Neglect.

Let's restart

I will try to forget. I will try to forget that you are capable of finding excuses for yourself, that you forget about important dates, that you don't really care if I've had it tough, that I am your girlfriend in name only. 

I will try to forget. The long lonely nights, the tears on my pillow, the fact that everyone is concerned and cares for me more than you will. The endless protection I shower upon you when people talk trash about you. I will try to forget, that I am attached, that we are together, that we are in this together. Because as far as I'm concerned, you act like a single guy.

I will try to forget, all the pain and hurt that you have caused me in the last two years. The two years we spend apart, the two void years of this relationship. Two years of my youth, I will try to forget.

But I am remember, I will remember this night, like many nights in London, that I have been disappointed by you. 

Thank you for what little or no love that you have given. 

Let's restart.

London 2014

London has been the destination we have been talking about since forever.

I've even dreamt of us being there together. Yet London, with our flights and hotels confirmed, seem to not be bringing us closer to each other.

I thought London would be our distraction. I thought the planning would take our attention away from the glaring state of our relationship. Yet, London did the opposite. All the errands I had to run for you and all the planning I did almost alone, the distance between us seemed to have almost instantly widen.

London, what dreams are we bringing there and what dreams would be dashed there?

Hopeless.

That is the only way I know how to describe where we are now.

Blessed.

Today I feel so blessed.

While work has taken a lot from me, in terms of energy and time, I am beginning to really love what I do.

A boss who gives me opportunities, who gives me room to make mistakes and who trust me enough to let me go out there to travel and run exercises on my own..

Blessed.

Yesterday he told me that I will be heading to Japan. Two weeks ago he said he will let me run taipei's exercise. Just about a month ago I returned from being an observer at Sydney and Goldcoast's exercise.

And I ask myself, isn't this the life I am searching for?

Out of reach.

Years ago, traces of you filled my life. Every corner I turn, you seem to be there, waiting to speak to me, to hear me out. Lately, I find myself searching for you at the very corners that you once existed. Sometimes, no matter how hard I search or call out, you are always out of reach.

The end.

"I know she had a heart bypass."

"she's 91 this year. We are not going to do an autopsy."

"she is likely to have had a heart attack, she did not suffer, it was fast."

"I made chicken rice for her yesterday, she seemed fine."

"she didt get to eat her favourite French fries, and I didt talk to her today."

"When was the last time you saw her?"


Good bye Popo. I'm sorry I came by so little and always had an excuse for it. You took my every excuse. You told me to focus on work. I'm sorry. We were supposed to take the graduation shot together. I'm sorry I gave you so little.

Things I understand.

Whole universe.

Sometimes I look at you and I see the whole universe. I see the whole universe existing just the way I would like it to.

Another departure.

Today I sent you off again. I've lost count of the number of times we said good bye. Yet, that good bye hug still doesn't fail to bring tears to my eyes.

You are not the perfect boyfriend. While you supposedly came back for my graduation, you were late, and missed a big chuck of it. It broke my heart for abit, yet, the tiredness on your face told me that you tried your best. That, I could accept.

Since two months ago, we started talking about a trip to Korea. Yet this trip back, we realised that our timing did not match and this trip would not happen. It's heartbreaking, but I hope we work out something else. Seems like there are a lot of things stopping us in our tracks.

We also celebrated our second anniversary apart, back on 10th July. No big bang celebration, just a call to tell each other that we hope to celebrate many more years together. I can only wish that next year, things would have changed drastically.

Us.

“There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us.”

“It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.”

― David Levithan

Mistake.

Happy 2nd year.

As the magical dust around our relationship starts to vanish, I wish us a happy 2nd anniversary.

May distance stop being a problem, may complacency be outwitted by clever planning, may we make it through this difficult time.

Never.

No matter how many trips I make to beijing, you will never love me again.

Let's talk.

Dear diary,

You've been lonely. These days you sit at a corner of my room and dust, layers and layers of dust, are your only friends. I'm sorry, i'm sorry that I've now forgotten how to write.

These days I get lazy and I'd rather talk, not write. These days I sleep at 10.30 if possible and my life has no room for a 30-min confessional diary writing time. For that I'm sorry.

It's my birthday today. Friends start talking to me and wishing me happy birthday. But all I can think about is you.

How you walked me through my darkest days, most from hall life, and how at one point of time I relied on no
One but you.

Dear diary, I'm sorry that you are now neglected. I love you, but these days I love leaving thoughts in my mind even
More.

Dead diary, give me some time, I will come back to you.

Made a choice.

It could be anyone, but it had to be you.

I was combing facebook (latest bad habit), and I saw C's latest photo. He found the girl he was searching for. They are happy. I'm overwhelmed because I walked out on him (always felt guilty) and chose X.

Right now, he is having the time of his life with his new girl. Me, I made a choice to stick with a guy who will most definitely be stationed far away from me, for a long time.

Who benefitted? And most importantly, does it matter?

#sundaynightblues.

What the fuck.

I would like to gently say the words "what the fuck". Because "what the fuck" is this shameless idea of giving our relationship a second chance and "what the fuck" or actually "why the fuck" are we not able to talk on the phone? Or wait I forgot u are at a celebrity birthday party and you probably have to entertain every bloody fucking person except well, me. Your ever faithful girlfriend in singapore. Sorry but "why the fuck" am I suppose to understand this? And "what the fuck" am I doing to myself by staying in this "what the fuck" relationship?

Oh wait, did i bust some fuck limit? I sure hope so.

What little I mean to you.

Your drinks, your friends, your football, your sleep, your job, your money, your new camera, your hair wax, your colleagues, your meetings, your friends and your life there.

Every single damn thing seems to mean so much more to you.

Where do I stand in this?

To think I wanted to take the leap of faith and run over to be with you.

So damn naive.

Say...

Something sweet to me before I fall asleep and awake to next week's challenges, will you?

Friday nights.

After a long week, I'm normally way to tired to think about you or us seriously. But when I really do, you always never fail to disappoint on every single count.

In truth sometimes I wonder if I will still stand firm for you when someone else comes along. He might not have your fantastic career plan, he might not be nearly as tall or as witty, but at least he treats me better. I wonder if I can stay firm about you. I might never feel that deep love for anyone else, but yet, I don't think it will hurt if I feel a little less and am treated a little better.

What have I gotta lose anyway? Well with you, seems like everything and yet absolutely nothing.