Water.

The only link I can make in the dreams I've been having is the occurrence of water.
First a flood, then the pool.

Beneath that, the characters,
appear like male leads in a badly written movie.
Entering with no set-up, leaving with no warning.
Making the viewers work hard to figure out the hows, whens and whys.

Occasionally, reality disrupts this process.
Bringing about the image of you.
Scaling into these fluid situations.

I remembered the reason it hurt.
I fell asleep beside you in the pool,
we were not drowning, but being purely oblivious.
I woke up with you missing.
I woke up in a place call reality.

Water.
Take me away.

Thank You, you.

Mad Dedication.
Reciprocal.
Lack of.
Empowering.
Pain.
Blindness.

These words sum up how I feel about you.
Love is not the only thing that stings.
I thought we existed.

Today feels like this:

and dread.

nothing to grieve.

I lost my favourite picture of you.

The 4th day of new year brings no start, nor closure.

This year, cleaning up my room did not cleansed my soul.
I found evidence of what a shared with someone I took years to get over.
He is five years older, and currently into the 5th year of his relationship with another girl.
She could have been me.


..


Six years ago I turned down the offer to be introduced to his friends.
I missed out on his birthday celebration at Clark quay.
Everytime these events came up, I retreated deeper into myself.
Every opportunity – I choose to let it slip.

What was I afraid of? Your 10 ex-girlfriends?
It was my bloody insecurity.
All these years I convinced myself that this is not my biggest regret, but here I am, 5 years later, looking back at what we once had together. I let you walk away.

You were in for a serious relationship and I just wanted to date.
I was young, I was naive and I enjoyed being your centre of gravity.
but that din't last long.

I always thought you walked away because you had your fair share of fun and wanted no more from me.
Having taken a moment to reflect, I was the one who pushed you so far away, in hopes that you'll come back to me in the end.
you never did.

If we held on, this might have been our 6th year together.


15 April you asked if I wanted to be with you.
My reply was ambiguous because I was afraid.
towards the end, you lost that will to carry on, because I was so damn good at being ambiguous.
You could never read me.

You finally said you are no longer sure.
That killed me.


For years after, I avoided you like a plague.
I never really fell in love after that, you killed the richness of love my heart held.
I went on dating but I could never find another you.
I could never pull out any feeling remotely similar.




.

This is the saddest morning of 2010.

CNY - HAPPYYYYYYY-NESS

CHONG: thank you for the heart, for reminding me about the importance of me, my name and my family.

after days of "tumbling" around the school with so many new found friends (it's making my dizzyyyy) and the endless assignments I will now FINALLY be left alone with my pineapple tarts and Bak Kwa.

This year, my journey in search of pineapple tarts was a bit of a failure. So far I'll only tried three varieties, and all of them are mere edible. WHERE ARE MY CHEWY PINEAPPLE TARTS WITH JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF PINEAPPLE FILLING?

I shall try to find it in other people's house la.

Wednesday Blues.

I dragged myself back to school.

There is alot going on, I have a feeling I cannot manage my personal life anymore.
I seek solace in the journey back home, in being alone, in the comfort of my ipod, in K drama and the idea of sleep.
Once again I turn to playing the piano, or rather, learning a new tune - "Reason why"
the idea of academic excellence has crushed me.

...

It hurts so much.
I struggle to rise out of the water, only to be greeted by the warm still air that rushes into my lungs.

...


I think no one sees me as I am, and I start believing in my own lies.

I'll never fit into my prom dress again...

I chance upon this.



OMG 10 kgs lighter during sweet 16.
and PROM - some distant word I've never used since I was 16.
HOW DID I GAIN SO MUCH WIEGHT!!!
Must have a serious sit-down conversation with my mouth.

Ok la but the face and pose like questionable.........

Reading of week 5

They huddle together for warmth, but their sharp quills prick each other, so they pull away. But then they get cold. They have to keep adjusting their closeness and distance to keep from freezing and from getting pricked by their fellow porcupines - the source of both comfort and pain.

We need other people to survive, but we want to survive as individuals.

- Adler, Rosenfield, Proctor, p. 250
...

Spent nearly 6 hours (if not more) looking at blurry images, making a slideshow video and sending out emails.
I wish life was simple like this but assignments and quizzes hve began making their way to my door.
and the readings...they just increase week by week.

If there's anything to look forward to, it's CNY and the possibility that Florence and the Machine will visit Singapore again.

Heart Status.

a) you are in love
b) you are not in love
c) it needs a break
d) it's beating just fine.


How are you feeling today?



I'm on D.

"Houston, we have a problem"

He and I talked about you tonight.
He thought you were a saint.
I smiled and agreed.
you are, really, in many ways you'll never know.
The newsroom is strange without you.

...

Inspiration ceased to exist.
I start thinking in active voice.
InDesign is a stranger, it's a friend of photoshop, but yet distinctly different all at once.
It took me two hours to figure out its basic biography, how to talk its language, how to move with its rhythm and how to make it smile.

This isn't much but it's a start, I see a possibility of a relationship between us.
Love the fact that you are a CS3. Sweet life.


AH SHIT GOT TYPO ERROR. HAHAHHAHA that is so ME LA.
.

Let our relationship blossom.

A matter of handwriting.

My Managing Director used to tell me how she could read a person via her handwriting.
Logically it's possible, tiny and neat handwriting probably shows that you're a reliable person?!!
anyway I went to have my handwriting analysed by this education (".edu") site.
and.....

You plan ahead (not really, I think about it but I dont take action la), and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.(DAMN TRUE LA)
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. (Finally someone can tell.)
You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented. (ITS OBVIOUS RIGHT)
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

i hate doing stupid tests cause the results they churn out are will usually lead to my self-destruction, due to over-analysing on my part. But I think this is amazing.

Once in a philo moon.

A couple of days ago I met someone I could hold a conversation with.
He was also the first guy who talked to me about philosophy (apart from Prof Chan).

I like him for his mind.




...

the last guy who talked to me about mod and post mod has drifted so far away I doubt we'll ever talk again.