a collision with positive-ness.

i was running around youtube.com, and i chanced upon this song by RENE LIU.
i heard the song back in the early sec 3 days, desperately wanted to know who sang it, but never found the answer.
it happened around the time ____ ____ gave up on me.
it's called 開始的那句話.


basically, it was the chorus the touched my heart so deep.
the chorus says:


"finally, you got tired.
and i got tired of just hanging around you.
and so, we've mostly been alone.
you've stopped at a few stations, got to know a few other girls,
but im constantly still drifting.
and so, we got lost, forgetting how it was like to fall in love."



.........



lessons have officially come to an end, meaning i wil never get to see t103 as t103 or t108 again.
the end of this journey for us.

to weep, it just doesnt sound right. Despite the fact that we've bonded, new beginnings are always exciting.
i've learned that comfort zones can move on one notch to being push-over zones. so i've kinda lost faith in comfort zones, cos i dont look forward to the stage after comfort zone. Comfort zones dont make you grow up, moving on to smtg new DOES. You adapt and change, and you grow up, mostly. i think im taking 'parting' very simply now, its no big deal if you have the heart to keep in contact with those who matter. staying in your comfort zone makes you wanna whine cos everythings gets too familiar, you know everything so well, inside out, that you see flaws more than beauty. You whine more then you wanna dine.

say GOOD BYE gracefully, and u'll realise that life really has many more new beginning to offer, with joy.



i'll miss school for sure, as in the buildings, the canteens, but NO!
NOT THE BLOODY SYLLYBUS

i'll miss playing volleyball in s& w, cos i gained so much happiness, digging into ur soul for that forgotten happiness is beautiful, try it.
i miss sleeeping in sch, napping in sch, laughing -out-loud in sch.
i miss the happy people, who i hope will remian happy in my memory.
with distance, everything is beautiful.































































































































...



HAIRCUT with 3rd aunt was inspiring as usual, i haven been chatting to her for sometime, and she still hasnt change. OKAY, mayb more positive than ever.HAHA, whats new? it has always been in her. her newly done red hair jus emphasises how much luck and joy she has in her.

she always has a full bottle of wisdom to share, she inspires me. She smiles, talks and walks in joy. she lives each day with fufillment. i can see it. i've complained about my lack of life, and all she does is polish it up for me. she makes everything not seem so lousy , scary and boring. life is a learning journey, well, she explained it for me. she offered me a job too!, haha, back as her son's tuition teacher. despite the fact that her son has done well in english and science without me.

did i mention, she paid for my hair cut! hahaha. with much love, beloved aunt.
i cant say how lucky my mum is to have u as a sister, and for me to have u as an aunt, tat's blooody cooooooool!


.........

here's to us, and JJ.

hello.
its early in the morning, i cant seem to go flipping around my bed anymore.
so i've decided o post more pics of ME and my skinny twin frm the JJ orientation 10 years back.

ARGGGGHHHH

look:




like, try to spot, the diff.(Previous entry)
i know the chin;s screwed.
my 1st time at photoshop.

click click.

i dont care if i look ugly or fat, these are hardcore snaps, jus take and upload.
hahah, i love my personal space.i can mess ard.

haven been doing cam whore for 2 years i think (hahahaha)
im kinda mad now.
a mix of mad and emo.
weird







i crossed that line.
im not sure where i am now.

i feel floaty, airy, its all going up my head.

.....


im online, waitin for BEN to come and talk to me.
i dun wanna make the 1st move.
hahaha, cmon ben, give me ice cream flavours add.
no, add me to ur convo.
that will be even cooler.

my life is empty and fucked up, i keep trying till i got so sick.
im leaving everything to rot, im walking away.
and yes, i really am getting sick.
came up with a fever, and slrpt it all away, too tired mentally.

im guilty, guilty of getting home late jus becos i was out having a wild time.
3 times this week, drinking and killing my kidneys, wait, the week has not even ended yet.
grandma warned me again.

im walking into a new dimension, im crossing all my lines.



no cigrettes and alcohol when im with my frens.grandma says, only with her.
grandma is a cool lady with a big personality.
grandpa is lucky, he got such a charming lady as a wife.
at the age of 64, still looking beautiful, she aged gracefully.
she looks so beautiful when she's puffing, holding the cigarette in such a manner that reminds me of old shanghai women in tight cheong sam.
she looks so slim for her age, absolutely beautiful, why din i get more of her genes.
when grandma was my age, she was dating ah gong.
they got married one yr later and ah gong brought her to singapore.
ah ma is sexy, such a beautiful lean body that i should have gotten in my genes.(reiterated, i know.)





.......



loving someone isnt easy, imposing your emotions on someone is. imagining and thinking that someone deserves being thought about by you is easy.
thinking abt someone is easy, saying it out is hard.
fucking your own mind up is easy, fucking grades up is even easier.

.......



i cant bear to sleep.


im blogging everyday of my boring life.

she knows its too late.

so dun look back in anger, i heard you say



i spaced out, completely neutralised by oxygen itself.

my fingers were every where around the keyboard, my mind and body was somewhere else.
i looked around only to see a whole mass of people fighting to finish their work.
i looked ahead only to see a reflection of my desperation on my laptop.

flash makes me wanna cry out loud and hit myhead against the wall.
dreamweaver makes me wanna slit my wrist and see the blood flow.
im useless with this, why cant you see.
i cant work this.
i keep trying and trying, only to end up with 7 'dummy' files on my desktop.
it just doesnt work out for me.

i cant voice it out, cos apparently everyone seems to be able to do this.
and im apparently not so dumb.
listen to 'Don't look back in anger' by oasis and just keep going.

the tears can be kept for my room.


it's days like this, times like this, that i feel that maybe i shld be courageous enough to go back into a JC.
lets face it, im a mugger, im so called 'smart' cos cos i bother to study, i only got here cos i mugged during the last 9 days before Os.
im a law by law, prim and proper person and i scare myself.
dont expect anything from me cos i am whatever ur looking at, no inner substance, no nothing.
and YES, im just one of those wannabe who cares abt grades so as to be able to squeeze into the bottom of the top 5%, all i want is maybe to get a degree.
go to a local university.
im a fucking mugger and i have no fucking valuable skills.

with the gastric juices churning like no one business, i knew i had to food food down there.
but the mouth jus wun open start chewing.

fear.

we count down to the end of these days.

we then start counting down to joy and fun.



i want to sleep the fear and weird feelings away.

and i hide and i hide, till i got scare of hiding.

my love.

if i told you you were beautiful, would you date me on a regular?


maybe, mayb not.



maybe we cho ya-ed our night away and it was a waste.
maybe we should have sat down at somewhere where lizards linger.
maybe i was lonely, maybe sad, maybe desperate.


maybe all i needed to do was walk out of my norm.
maybe i just dont wanna go home.

it was a mix of sweet, bitter and hto sensation.
maybe i should have gotten drunk.
i would have taken a cab home then.



my whole body got red and i knew my kidneys were just not an alcoholic.
they coulden take it yea, poor tongy kidneys.
cant filter! hahaha.
LOSER!



i know its fucking unglam!
but who cares.
i love being high and happy.high and emo. high and sad.



i love sweet cho ya!























....













i cant believed i played so much volleyball.
i've never been like that for such a long time now.
with only work piling up, and with passion vanishing.

the happy teammates that we had, truly amazing.

was randomly talking to gurmit, oh yeah, i miss out on my chance with the IVP.
oh yea, i gave my chance away.
oh yea, i just found too many excuses.
im glad i gave it away, it just made me understand how much it meant to me, and how badly i want it back.
it could be the company, not the game.
im blessed to be able to met such randomly nice people from business.


for a fact, there will be beach volleyball coming right up for us.


we got 3rd for inter-class, which was weird, considering the fact that we're all novice in this field.
LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH, i trained so hard for west zones, but never made it.
i played a fool, and made it this time round.
guess its the standard lah.
and not forgetting the star players in the team who belonged to ncc, band, tennis, basketball respectively.

on court, we played a fool, test our hypothesis, stood in the face of the new year wind, screamed, shouted, basketball away, and it was memorable.
never been so happy for such a long time.
since the whole mass comm experience started, it's just full of work and bus rides home.


when the whole VB experience ended, it was almost a pain to say good bye, what's rest of us headed down to macs (usual) for a meal, lots of crap and BEN ABUSED ME WITH HIS MOUTH.
people frm accountancy are so cunning huh.

hahah, of course i could seek comfort in li bing bing! haha.
all the things i dint need to hear.
all the things i needed to be unable to fall aslp.
all the things that made me want to know even more.
all the things...




....





with V-day approaching.
i hope keat will be taken, yet if that's the case, i'll prolly sit at home with a korean movie.
but i guess life dosent need to be sad even if ur single right?

hmm.i'll find a way to spice things up.


happy early V-DAY!

down the stairs we go.

im listening to some lame shit song by Akon just becase of a split moment of joy and folly.



....



so days past me by, with the thought of the S & W that ended.
sometimes i cant believe i spent 10 weeks with those pple.
and say, 8 weeks oogling at an ice-cream flavour.
we wun see each other in school, for a fact, we're in very different courses.

....



we were at the new hang-out, a taboo place.
it has been a whole day, it was 6pm in the evening.
my eyes were tired from scounting the entire canteen one and almost every lift door that opened.
but i guess it's always better to not expect things to happen, cause when i least expected it, it happened.


the split moment was about blurr and blurring.
i remember smiling so much my dimple kinda hurt.
i remember how small joys in life, no matter how unspeakablee or lame, felt like.
but it felt right.
it felt bloody right.





would u be my friend?



....


when we were young, we would come up with theories that were lame.
we would talk about crushes, talk about being love, talk about having someone to send us to school and fetch us home.

now that we're older, we no longer talk about theories,
we wish for a hand to hold, to be hugged when we're stressed, to be appreciated.
we would not talk of love, but only LIKE.
it does not even bloody matter if no one sent us to school or back home.
we want a hand to hold, and we want a shoulder to lean on.
a shoulder to cry on.

....

the closest thing to kimchi

it's weird to be thinking about something so much.
the last thing i think about before i go to bed, and the 1st thign i think about when im awake.
sometimes im sick of having too many thoughts,
other times i can just smile to myself.


.............




oh yea, this is for keat.
oh, i created it, so its IP!


























so much for missing u right!hhahahahaha.so fun!

i enlarged your head, gave u vavo voom lips with lipstick.
gave u fake hair, ribbons and ya..a guy by your side.
aint i the sweetest girl ever?

who's the queen! who's the queen!


........


i want CHOYA.
i;ve been wanting it for ages now.

im craving for kimchi fried rice, you shld try it.

misery and friends.

there are 2 people i really miss right now.
keat and mum.


i miss keat for who she really is, to me and to others.
if only i could see u now, we dont evern have to talk, i could look at u and smile the whole day.
cause i know u are keat ying.



......

we sit around a familiar place, trying to open that unfamiliar bottle.
we try so hard because the contents can make this screwed life blurry.
we try so hard cause we give a damn to each other.
i just wanna say thank you to u, u know who u are.

for the listening ear, and for feeling the same.
and for all the men that din walk into our face.

.......


are u drunk?
cause im not fucking drunk and i think you are.
or mayb ur just born with this ulu balulu mindset that is limting every single thing u do.
i laugh wildly in my heart when u talk about ur fears and regrets and opportunities u lost.
i shoulden say this, but u choose this path.

when have we really been on good terms?
since i was 13, u fucking treat me with disrespect, pls dun bloody say its for my own good.
when i cried when i din go where u wish i would b, u din fucking console me.
i hate it when im treated like a fucking 12 year old.
i dont fucking club or smoke or sleep around.
i return home almost like befoore 12 every fucking day of my life, which i realised has been kinda fucked up.
im tired and fucked up and i know u blooody feel the same.
u are a fucking control freek, do u honestly have to care about even my fucking message tone?
no, i dont wish to fuck u or whatever cos i respect u.
but dont push me too far cos im losing my respect for u.
and if u keep pushing me, i'll stop respecting u and treating u like a ________ figure all together.
you have a fucked up life and it caused me to have this fuckked up life altogether.
the line beetween love and hate is gettng thinner.
stop fucking pushing me.

all the small tings u've done for me seem to fucking disapper everytime u show me what u truly feel.
dont always say everything u do is for me.
im tired of having to stress over this.

..........

FUCK. that is the purest way of saying what im feeling now.

..........

i know misery has fallen in live with me, but it doesnt mean i'll have to accept it.

im mad, i know.

Crying out for love in the centre of my world.










































believe me when i say its an obsession.
we all want things we can never have.

the chance.

i hate fucking flash.
i hate it cos i cant mangae it.

i fucking hate stupid buttons and graphics and movie clips.
if i had a chance, i would throw them to fuck my screwed motherboard.

i am a technical software idiot, i am hate fucking flash.
i will fucking delete it IF I HAD THE CHANCE.
IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.IF I HAD THE CHANCE.

if IF I HAD THE fucking CHANCE.

bleach is cheap.

i should run bleach down my hands.

anythings technical , once i touch it, screws.
same with the laptop, same with ALMOST the harddisk.
the DAWS in the radio room too, and the camera.

i should run bleach down my hands if i wanna survive in the course.

bleach is cheap anyway.

OMG.

oh gosh.
it's like marketing test tmr and im like watching Goong S in pure korean on you tube.
gosh, its so lame its blowing my mind off.
where is my YEH and JJH!