Monday, November 30, 2009

What do you think?




Im not obsessed with what people think about me.
But this really stirs my brain juices.
Does it stir yours?
perhaps perhaps.


- I need more than a listening ear, I need a shoulder to cry on, and an intellectual mind that amuses me.

One Strange Monday.

I stop feeling as if my heart is bleeding to death when I listen to Yamagata's "Quiet".
I think that sums up how I feel about certain issues in my life.
As painful as it is, as distracting and as antsy as I sometimes feel, it all has to pass.
Quit getting to the root of the problem because there was barely a problem to begin with.
I dont quite expect anything.
I'll be just as quiet as I leave okay? Just as quiet as when I first got here.
I think for the first time in NTU, I am actually succeeding at doing something.

..

Mr Floppy called to torment and tease.
I can't say I hate it, I smiled till my muscles ached.
And even if he was here to deliver a simple, and rather disappointing piece of news, it was a reason to call.
I know that with him, I can be very frank.
I don't have to search for a season to text him, call him or FB him.
I could do it without a care in the world.
We communicate without a care in the world.

I don't think of him.
But I do think about Nepal and next semester - supper-buddy-less.

It's strange, he is everything and yet he is nothing.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

One abstract - for Sunday.

Empowerment, Do I really need or want that?


"I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map. I knew that somehow, I can find my way back."
- FNTM, Cosmic Love

Hall 9




Sometimes solitude is my best friend - just sometimes.
:)

Sandy's 20th.

HAPPPPPPPYYYY BIRTHDAY SANDY BABY.

You'll always be my baby!

Cease to exist.

Pain cease to exist under certain circumstances.
But not today.

We all like to read stories, someday I will tell mine.
But not today.

Normally I speed-read and I copy quotes faster than I can finish a 40 mark exam question.
But not today.

Life used to be mundane-ly beautiful, with avoidable circumstances.
But not today.


"I feel like I'm riding on an empty train to nowhere"
- B Schlink, "The Reader".


Now I need to make an exit.
Yes today.
Place myself in a crowded place.
Yes today.
Smile at strangers in my way.
Drink, get drunk, stagger home.
Yes today.
Wear my 4-inch aldo heels.
Drink, get drunk, stagger home.
Yes today.
Laugh, make merry and forget the upcoming exam.
Drink, get drunk, stagger home.
Yes today.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Don't (fuck me infront of me)

Don't grieve when no one believes you.

Walk into my room.

Me and you and a story of unrequited love.

When two hands just won't clap, even under forceful circumstances.
Because we form our own assumptions,
we block ourselves from each other,
we are together, but apart,
we are not listening,
and we are talking,
but not communicating.


We need a spark to ignite this fire.
There is no chemistry and Im forcing this upon us.
too much pain.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

John Mayer is treating my heart, SHHHHHH.

"I think you've succeeded in finding the best possible way to torment me."
Things I think about when I think about you.

...

2 exams down, 2 more to go.
Life is caught in an entrapment of sorts,
Im feeding on lots of energy from the internet,
Facebook, Blogs, Tumblr, Youtube
For the first time in my life I have subjected myself to a virtual life.
The worst part is,
seeing the beauty and addiction of it.

...


Mr Floppy says I'm capable of having four thoughts at one moment.
And it leaves my brain and my mouth dumbfounded.
Yes, I bracket my thoughts alot, and my sentences too.


...

Have you ever met someone and realised that he is possibly the one for you,
that you are not in love with him but he's the one for you.
Have you, have you?


Please share your experience with me.





. "it's heartbreak warfare"

Blasphemy

blasphemy
If we are talking bullshit I'd rather not talk.


.

If we are talking but not communicating,
I'd rather be an observer.



.



give me a hug.
A declaration.
A sign.

Monday, November 23, 2009

"I don't expect anything"

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
It'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything to change when I leave

- QUIET, R Yamagata.


Libing once said it's a good song.
I see it as a 'background noise/wallflower' kinda song.
Until 3 days back, (again) i woke up in the middle of the night,
this song was ringing in my head.

...

Come Thursday,
Libing and I will discuss about the titles of our biographies and its content.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

give thanks

Scones from Australia was very delicious.
thank you wendy.

Into the darkness and out again.

I crawled out of bed with a pain in my head.
and my heart.

It must be the effects of caffeine.
I knew I maxed-out my limit 2 days back.
Anxiety attack. Frightful dreams of the future.
I knew.

Its ironic how i preach to many about the importance of taking care of the body,
that the body is, really a wonderland that should be managed with discipline.(no, a temple really)
Don't smoke, I said - not gonna do your future baby's brain development any good.
Don't drink too much I said - it'll make you puke.

But I, instead choose to let caffeine take over my diet.
Coffee with bread, tea with rice, coffee with stress and tea to destress.
Coffee for joy, tea for sorrow, coffee for tea and tea for breakfast.


you know what's the most ironic thing,
i am out of control,
and after this post I will still go on stretching that limit.
For I am without my social embrace, I need something else to keep me sane.


bring my heart to sleep, bring my head to sleep.
let me body stay awake, let it suffer, let it pain
for this toilsome life is killing me.


...


we all need some motivation, some encouragement and some love.
That bank was refilled for me yesterday
but as soon as they stepped on bus 199,
it seemed to be emptied immediately.

I feel like a kid in need of praise, a hug and a smile.
or even better, something tangible to hold on to.
I no longer want to be sarcastic, ruthless or even patronising.

an hour in my dreams, an hour of self-reflection.

Kings of Leon would say I need somebody.
I beg to differ tonight.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I can't.

I can't update my mac.
I can't stop staring at the aussie scones Wendy gave.
I can't help wondering about Sandy's life.
I can't forget the delicious porky oily dinner with libing.
and I can't stop thinking of you.





Friday, November 20, 2009

Intentional Communication

One-way attempt by source to bring about an effect on the part of the receiver.

hint: some back and fourth interaction occurs.



.

I feel so much for Hovland suddenly.
Great men of the past, they did their share of analysing.
the wonders of the human mind,
so complex, and really, so simple all at once.

Need to shake my deep and dying love affair with words.
need to stop attempting.
need to let it engulf me.
need to let it understand, we need each other.
I don't work alone.

i still, need to read some poems.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

FOR Camy.

Welcome to my virtual life.




via tumblr

Outgrow, will I?

WE outgrow love like other things
And put it in the drawer,
Till it an antique fashion shows
Like costumes grandsires wore.

- E.D

Poems.

POOR little heart!
Did they forget thee?
Then dinna care! Then dinna care!

Proud little heart!
Did they forsake thee?
Be debonair! Be debonair!

Frail little heart!
I would not break thee:
Could’st credit me? Could’st credit me?

Gay little heart!
Like morning glory
Thou’ll wilted be; thou’ll wilted be!

- Emily Dickinson


Discussion with my hall 9 neighbours about poems.
Made me realise how much I use to like tearing apart prose and poem.
Savour them.
look at their superficially.
Look at them in-depth.
Put a relationship into it.
Put some loss.
Break them down,
and.
Tear them apart.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

People-watching in Canteen 9.

Life in hall 9 has opened up my eyes to many things.

mainly: WHY do people ostracise?

I keep seeing people hanging around, alone. And I know they do not have a choice.

Situation 1:

I overheard a conversation today while queueing:

Group A chatters excitedly, Lonely boy hangs out behind them, they obviously know one another.
Lonely Boy (to group A): Can I join you for lunch?
Group A, Boy A: Sure...
They sit together, and physically they are linked up to the same mainframe.
Mentally, Lonely boy is still lonely boy.

Situation 2:

Boy A and Girl A having breakfast.
Boy C takes a seat behind them, yes, they all know each other. Acquainted I say.
Boy C buys breakfast and decides to join Boy and girl A.
They sit together, but there is only awkward silence.


Not everyone fits in.
Many a times im the odd one out.
But seeing my friends, I feel lucky.
I feel happy and most of all i feel grateful.
For the people around me.
For after entering uni, I have realised that nothing stinks more than a meal alone (and not due to choice).
If you even get what I mean.


...

MB106 TOMORROW!! an d I still have heart to blog. Amazing.

Over and Over again. Day2.1



via I Heart Love.
You see you see, someone agrees with ME!
ok, actually many many people hold on to this thought.
maybe too many.

Over and Over again. Day2

this sem is breaking my heart.
break break break break break my heart.

Im a diehard believer in horoscope despite the fact that NONE of it has come true.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

over and Over again. Day1

Im trying to believe.
I stare into the soul-less night in disbelief.
and I ask myself why some things will never work in our favour.


if you could see me now.

Over and Over again. Day0

Keaty's birthday
Xinyu's birthday
Wentong's birthday
21st birthday!!!!

finished thelma and louise
finished "making saturdays count"
finished cultual studies quiz
finished the DREADED MB106 essay (re do three bloody times)

WENDY IS BACK
SANDY is coming back tonigightttttt

CRAMMING for MB106
repetitive. illogical. this is my life now hahahaha

and lots and lots of laundry.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

in the mood.

有些人注定和寂寞相伴

- 戴佩妮 "兩難"

Monday, November 09, 2009

YES, I LOVE TYPING IN CAPS.

YOU PUT FEAR AND ANGER INTO MY HEART.
I KNOW IM NOT AS CAPABLE BUT IS THERE A NEED TO TALK DOWN IS THERE A NEED TO BE THAT ANAL.
PERFECTIONISTS LIKE YOU ARE BETTER OFF WEARING REPTILE SKIN SHOES AND WALKING AROUND IN AFRICA.
FUCK IM SO DEPRESS I DUN EVEN KNOW WHAT IM TYPING THIS.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

home-bloody-sick






I swear I've never been homesick.
Not when I was away for half a year in HK.
Not when I was put through a torturous camp.
never. not in the worst case scenarios.

Today Im homesick.
This is despite the fact that bro came over to NTU yesterday and today.

Questions for myself:
- what do you wanna name the documentary
- how can finish drawing a story board in one day
- can we honestly finish studying for a quiz in less than ONE DAY?!
- Avid, can anot?
- MB106, maybe I cant minor in business la
- damn it im dying!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

RW.day 7.1

I AM A BLOODY FUCKING LOSER
SORRY I MESSED UP
SORRY SORRY
SORRY

OH I HATE MYSELF
I WILL STAB MYSELF A MILLION TIMES TONIGHT.

RW.day 7.1

I have a feeling that we're gonna communicate today.
Don't let me down will you?

No, I don't wanna see you in my dreams thank you.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

be4 we cut an album.



Rainy days with Yamagata..

Makes me feel like having a real lover
instead of having some psuedo one I can only blog about.

If "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", then my beholder is positively asleep.
If "love is blind", then maybe lust can my saving grace.
If the "love of my life", is going to appear, he had better make a grand entrance. 20 years apart is no joke.




Just three for today.
I'll go squeeze my brain juice and try to crack some jokes.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

over and over

I say stupid things when I see you
I act stupidly
I overreact
I say the obvious
I laugh way too loud
I talk like I'm shouting
I think aloud
I want to stand close to you

now now, do I still stand a chance despite the stupidity?

the things my friends have to endure when they are with me.

Post 412 - very unsatisfied.

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
When you know I really tried
To be a better one to satisfy you for you're everything to me
And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglová "If you want me"


I realised I need to be satisfied visually and emtionally, to a huge extent.

Night - Dreaming:
so sweet I coulden wake up in time.
It's not the Oedipus complex Im driving at,
But there was a warmth, a similar fatherly gesture
there was you,
there was us,
and there was a future we could work towards.
Im only afraid that like all dreams I have, they are just but dreams.
never ever coming true.

Yes, that would be nice too.
we have so little to say and so much to do.

Post 411.

physical differences.
Mental gaps.
intellectual diffusion.


today I see it. so clear it blinds me.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

RW.day 6 (we are almost done here)



There is no reason why.
no loathing.
no assurance.
no pain.
and most ultimately,
no gain.

Nights spent with you.
are like nights spent alone.

daylight is my saving grace.

Can you hear the pulse of heartbeat slowing down.

RW.day 5.2

Happy 21st keat.
She is now 21 and a day old.
I want her to know that I am not that lone ranger who appreciates her as she is.
many many people do.









Photos: Keaty, Libing, Weilong and Tong!!!

RW.day 5.2

I have been very frank to myself,
but I think it also means a whole deal of white lies on this blog.

Concerns,
thank you.


No, I am not in anyway involved with Mr Floppy.
The name just came naturally.
I like the way he thinks, and I wish he is really a girl to begin with.
matured, yet childish.


Other than abstract, I do write about serious stuffs.
http://www3.ntu.edu.sg/chronicle/news/vol16no3/p14.html

Question of the day:
"are you emotionally single?"


Today's yamagata song is still "reason why"

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

Sunday, November 01, 2009

RW.day 4

"This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more. Who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be that they are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe, just maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is a homage to the girls who laugh out loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more then they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for the girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it."

- Via Libing, Via TigerInTheDark

RW.day 3

"I don't expect anything//you may hate me, but I'll remember to love you" - Quiet, R Yamagata

Playlist oh playlist,
Do you know?
You keep me sane and insane all at once.



/

Supper with Mr Floppy.
I see a friendship,
Something remotely similar,
We were frank,
We are friends.

I opened my heart and he gave a solution.
If only it worked.