A month later.

I like how grandma wakes me up every morning.
nags at me to get work done.
cooks my favourite dishes.
constantly asks me if I'm hungry.
laugh at my lousy chinese.
automatically translates stuff she's saying from hokkien to mandarin when i'm around.
clean my ears for me.
tickles me.
asks me if I need a thicker blanket every night.
speaks in me in her random english phrases.

Sometimes you take a nasty incident and flip over your perspective towards it.
If not for granddad's passing I might have been unable to spend so much time with her before I fly.
I use to hang around only during the holidays and on fridays.
But now, we share a home.

the issue of bones.

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, I will try to fix you"


- FIX YOU, COLDPLAY.

We don't share.

I TRUST YOU, I really do.
I trust you to get out of this and be just her friend.
But i'm still keeping my fingers crossed.
Sorry B, I dont wanna share you with anyone else.

Bones.

"You're getting into my bones."

In a way I'm glad you din't understand that.
In a killers way - do you wanna come with me/do you wanna feel my bones/on your bones/its only natural.

Overpromise.

They say 6 months ain't very long.
I beg to differ, having spent 6 months in HongKong, I think it's not exactly short.
In a matter of weeks, life took a big turn with granddad's passing. Time, or rather the "perfect timing" is always an element of consideration.

Seeing how in a matter of a week we have gone so far, I think in 6 months, many things can happen to you. You are graduating and there's that new job waiting for you. I'm not insecure, but I don't want us to overpromise anything to each other.

You said: "in short, I will wait."

I cringed, in a good way. But also in a sad, selfish way.
My heart is sad, teary and weary. Leaving grandma, leaving dad, mum and bro is already hard enough. And right now it seems that you have been added to the mix. In a way, I saw it coming but this is all too soon.

Yes I understand what my stance on relationship is: "like a shark, it either moves forward or die". But, the faster we go, the messier it gets, especially if we crash and burn.

So I stick to my initial stance - that we should just hang around.

Let's not move forward too much. Selfishly, I dont wanna leave for Seattle with thoughts of you weighing me down, because I know there's a possibility it will happen.

Worth.

What you’re worth is a question only you can answer. It’s loosely a combination of your ability, experience, and instinct. I don’t believe any of these three can be objectively measured, therefore it’s your responsibility to make a subjective assessment and assign a dollar amount to it.

Some people charge by the hour, but I won’t. If my worth requires more time to shine through, the client should not be penalized. But if my worth gets me to the answer faster, why should I be penalized?

VIA http://www.swiss-miss.com/ VIA Whitney Hess.
For my friends who have been in doubt.

No pain, no gain

I run away from vulnerability.
I don't want to feel vulnerable.

Today I started to trust you.
In trust I gave you a glimpse of my vulnerability.
and now I'm afraid, of the things you could do with it.

I cannot take on another event of hurt.
Please understand that.

a sad teary and weary heart.

I wish I could give my heart to you.
But who wants a sad teary and weary heart?

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you know.
You know i can't run from the pain.
You know you can't help me.
But i know you try.

More than 15 Minutes.

This was part of the playlist for the night, bet you din't notice at all.

You and Me - Lifehouse
Slow Dancing in a burning room - John Mayer
Creep - Radiohead

and no, I'm not a big James Morrison or KT tunstall fan.

Thanks for the treat, sorry for the midway tears.
I enjoyed myself. Did you?

Infinity and beyond.

"We want to be there for you when you're most vulnerable, when you're stripped of your candy coating that u put to face the world and everything else. I know we dont meet often, and we dont know what is latest in your life. But we want you toremember that we're not another group for you to entertain. we want you for you and when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. We love you and we don't judge the people we love."


Thank You, for the girls who embrace my all.

And to Jie Ying, who stopped me in the canteen, you might never know how much that means, but I've tucked that moment deep in my heart. You gave me some kind of strange strength to carry on.

C - for constantly texting me everyday of the funeral.
K - who dropped by with her mum
XY & LB - who knew that somehow by keeping their distance, they were helping me to cope. Who knew that this time, i cant talk through to a solution, and all i needed was alone time.


Just an update, I have moved partially out of hall to my grandma's house.
So I might appear alot busier because of the travelling, and won't be around much.
Things will likely remain like that till I head to Seattle on 28th Dec.

As you said goodbye I nearly died.

"‎I wish I could say I've clung on to time like gold, but as you say good bye I nearly died."



There are no words for loss.
A silent moment that passes on between those who have lost.
Tear, sighs and there was nothing more we could give.
The grieving does not end just there, does it?

Where are you now?
Will you come back and watch over us? Should you?
What happens next?
Does the grieving goes on forever?


My cousin, who is 9, asked me - "Jie jie, when will we see ah gong again?"
I paused and tears started streaming down my cheeks.
seeing this, he said: "forever?"
I hugged him and said nothing.

Little black pill.

I want to be alone.
To fight the saddness that eats me whole and raw.
I have no words to express.
For grieve is a little black pill I consumed unknowingly.
And its effect run through my veins instantly.
Paralysing me.



//


Thanks for dropping by Keat, despite the rain.
That moment I realised that I was still alive and life goes on.
For awhile I realised that maybe grieve could not consume the whole of me after all.

What if Death had compassion?

When death took you, I was sound asleep.
I coulden fight it for you.
I did not hold your hand one last time.
I coulden be there to feel the pulse fade away.


Death emerged victorious.
Death staked its claim on you.
Death knew the odds of winning.

Maybe you let your guard down.
Maybe be you knew.
Maybe you thought we could overcome death again.

You fought my war once,
we won.
Maybe you thought it woulden be so hard.

But.

What if Death was lenient?
What if Death was cruel?
What if Death was stubborn?
What if Death had compassion?

Death took my favorite pair pf hands away from me.
Death took you away from my discounted love.
Death stole my last day with you.

Who is Death?
and why did it take you while I was asleep?

Sparks

I don't know you, I don't hate you, I don't love you, I barely know you.
What are the chances?

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY KEATY

- Keat's "surprise" at Yew Tee
- Hungry, happy and eager
- Indepth conversations over french toast, papaya milk mee sua, coffee/tea @ 2am
- No birthday songs, but rather, a fantastic playlist of chinese songs @ xin wang
- Xinyu and Keat, a heartwarming mix
- Sleeping for a miserable 6 hours
- Long Lunch @ Quad with buttercups
- Managed to defy all odds and emerge victorious, not a single bit of my lunch fell out of my mouth (eating & dating is not totally impossible for me HAHA)
- Rushing off to JP for our highly anticipated VB outing at Safra Jurong