Death by overpromising.

and by skipping gatherings, being busy with school, bad memory for dates and wanting too much me-time. Im fast turning into a figure of solitude, a tower of unreliability, and generally friendless at the way things are going.

when the going gets tough

the tough listens to Yamagata.

I know what is breaking point.
When laughter blends swiftly into angst and then confusion. I go back to comforts like Yamagata's old albums to get me through the night. They help me stare at my projects/endless essays in wide-eye wonder. "So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right. Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night."

Occasionally, I do wish for comfort that is more substantial. Soothing words, but these things rarely come about at the right time.

well, the silver lining of the day is that H offered to evaluate my paper and help me get into SPH? (or that was how i read it). Well, of course after that the class got to laugh at a "grammatically incorrect, overly enthusiastic (!!)" email I sent her on behalf of the class to get a deadline extension. HAHA journalism classes are really the only thing that keeps me going nowadays.

Love and other impossible pursuits.

You know how that famous English Patient quote goes?

"I believe this. When we meet those we fall in love with, there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant who reminisces or remembers a meeting when the other has passed by innocently…but all parts of the body must be ready for the other, all atoms must jump in one direction for desire to occur."

I've always imagined love (there is just no substitute for the word love) to be exactly like this. It recalibrates your entire system, from your heartbeat right down to your fingertips. Well, I imagined. But alas, the truth is, its better than that. Stronger, richer, and even more uncontrollable. So we have the highs, but we can never escape the lows.

Perhaps this is the very irony of life, the balance of it too, the yin & yang.

But as with this beautiful relationship I see an end (hopefully I'm wrong) of another important aspect of my life - friends. I feel people drifting away from me, taking on shapes and forms that I could have taken if I were still single. Time allocated for my atoms to jump at a love one proves to be bringing down other aspects of my life. And I wonder, friends at different stages of life, should we not get together and celebrate the diversity of our differences instead? Have I been neglecting that aspect?

But as we grew older, we all grew impatient (at least I did, and regretted). Stories that use to enrich your lives seems to no longer be the case. Everyone fights for the microphone, everyone fights to broadcast, and I wonder - so who's listening now? And yet when it got around to the most important conversations, those that require guts and risk, the microphone sits plugged in and untouched. Why do we not say the things that matter most to us? because we are afraid? because we dont want to gloat? or are we simply afraid of hurting one another?

Excited conversations have been reduced to one-liner messages, a bunch of missed calls (and unreturned calls too) and a bag of emotions put aside, waiting for their opportunity to see light. Meetings, once spontaneous, are now but a wait to get into schedule books. Now I play back the tapes of recorded stories from long ago, repeated stories of our lives and gossips, hoping to one day catch a "live" show again.

I sit amidst my unfinished research papers (yes, I know school works seems like a convenient excuse but it is valid), analysing why this open wound of friendship doesnt heal.

Guys, I miss you.

Need for warmth.

Finger tips that yearn to graze on the skin of another. Hands that only remember the warm fleshy palm of another. linked arms, coincidental linking of thoughts. Sitting side by side, shoulder to shoulder, linking worlds, connecting hearts. What exactly is this need for warmth? and Why does the search never seem to end?