If this doesn't work out, I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to get out of it. If I have to, I'll crawl out of this.
Things have been going downhill for awhile and it's time I pull my socks up and make some real decisions and stay in control. I admit, I was losing control, letting all these unknown forces shape my decisions, these emotions throw me off-course and now I've truly had enough. Time to shape up!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Salvage beauty @ MET.
Well, at least I managed to chance upon the Alexander McQueen Exhibition that was a total senses revolution @ MET in New York. No regrets there, not even the 30-minute queue. No dinosaur bones or native american depictions of life from the Museum of Natural History but I could settle for fashion I guess.
Resolute.
Maybe I am not resolute enough, to want something, to make something work. I bend too easily to the forces of the universe (are we talking about god? THAT, I certainly am unsure about), I accommodate too readily to the calls of the wind, slither too comfortably into the hands of the great unknown and dance too fondly towards something different from what I am, an opposition force, but not a political one definitely.
I've always thought I made firm decisions, but the case of GOFAR has left me tortured and broken. I had it, and I felt like I gave it away too readily, despite the fact that bile juice was pouring out of my mouth and I hardly have time to think about it. I have NEVER felt unsure about something, I throw balls in hopes of them going through the hoops, not circling the damn hoop and finally falling out on the wrong side. With GOFAR I was SO SURE I HAD TO TAKE THE DAMN TRIP, my head said YES, my head battled against my heart, and the universe said I could claim my prize. And THIS had to happen, I had to go against every thing I fought for and give it away. Yes, maybe the trip would take a toll on my body, but certainly willpower can stop me from physically crumpling? well, maybe not.
6 months in Seattle, if for nothing taught me one important fact about myself, that sooner or later I have to face my own demons, and they are usually the scariest.I keep treading forward in my life in hopes of losing them along the way, but they usually catch up. An emotional baggage, a thought, a memory, an unfulfilled aim - little things that do their best to put me down, to make me waver, to keep me even further from being resolute. But well, perhaps the saying is really right, that the only easy day was yesterday. Keep treading along keep treading along.
I've always thought I made firm decisions, but the case of GOFAR has left me tortured and broken. I had it, and I felt like I gave it away too readily, despite the fact that bile juice was pouring out of my mouth and I hardly have time to think about it. I have NEVER felt unsure about something, I throw balls in hopes of them going through the hoops, not circling the damn hoop and finally falling out on the wrong side. With GOFAR I was SO SURE I HAD TO TAKE THE DAMN TRIP, my head said YES, my head battled against my heart, and the universe said I could claim my prize. And THIS had to happen, I had to go against every thing I fought for and give it away. Yes, maybe the trip would take a toll on my body, but certainly willpower can stop me from physically crumpling? well, maybe not.
6 months in Seattle, if for nothing taught me one important fact about myself, that sooner or later I have to face my own demons, and they are usually the scariest.I keep treading forward in my life in hopes of losing them along the way, but they usually catch up. An emotional baggage, a thought, a memory, an unfulfilled aim - little things that do their best to put me down, to make me waver, to keep me even further from being resolute. But well, perhaps the saying is really right, that the only easy day was yesterday. Keep treading along keep treading along.
NYC tried to kill me, I ran.
I am not invincible afterall.
The further I run away from these old scars, the sooner they resurface, and the harder they bite. Well at least I have a story left behind in New York City.
The further I run away from these old scars, the sooner they resurface, and the harder they bite. Well at least I have a story left behind in New York City.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
In Between Time Ephiphanies.
In between sorting out the evolution of Homo Sapiens and Neaderthals, hopping through the grand cathedrals of Rome, the temples of Greece and the beautiful open spaces of Venice, finding defenses for plaintiffs sued for false advertising and working on Crisis presentation conference for NYC, it occurred to me that this could be easy.
Easy to leave behind.
Easy to leave behind.
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