Maybe I am not resolute enough, to want something, to make something work. I bend too easily to the forces of the universe (are we talking about god? THAT, I certainly am unsure about), I accommodate too readily to the calls of the wind, slither too comfortably into the hands of the great unknown and dance too fondly towards something different from what I am, an opposition force, but not a political one definitely.
I've always thought I made firm decisions, but the case of GOFAR has left me tortured and broken. I had it, and I felt like I gave it away too readily, despite the fact that bile juice was pouring out of my mouth and I hardly have time to think about it. I have NEVER felt unsure about something, I throw balls in hopes of them going through the hoops, not circling the damn hoop and finally falling out on the wrong side. With GOFAR I was SO SURE I HAD TO TAKE THE DAMN TRIP, my head said YES, my head battled against my heart, and the universe said I could claim my prize. And THIS had to happen, I had to go against every thing I fought for and give it away. Yes, maybe the trip would take a toll on my body, but certainly willpower can stop me from physically crumpling? well, maybe not.
6 months in Seattle, if for nothing taught me one important fact about myself, that sooner or later I have to face my own demons, and they are usually the scariest.I keep treading forward in my life in hopes of losing them along the way, but they usually catch up. An emotional baggage, a thought, a memory, an unfulfilled aim - little things that do their best to put me down, to make me waver, to keep me even further from being resolute. But well, perhaps the saying is really right, that the only easy day was yesterday. Keep treading along keep treading along.
