away it goes.

Post-Com223.
It feels as if the wind swept a macbook into my face.
Now my head's smashed and broken just like the macbook that slammed into my face.



...


Everyone deserves someone else, someone good for them,
to feed their soul, their ego,
to fill up their love tanks.
A matter of self-validation
I'm always glad to find someone who found theirs.
I might not verbally say so, but I feel genuinely happy for you.


...


I haven been on my best behaviour lately.
I'm ashamed of what I've done, even plagued with guilt - for what I feel.
Oh well, we cannot always be little angels now, can't we?
It's okay to be greedy, to want and desire,
and to be filled with angst and hate when we are deprived.
It's ok, isnt it?

The internet is a relational wasteland.

I want to disappear like how you do it.
Yes, blogging will still be essential, it keeps my sane.
But facebook, tumblr Nah.
Also, I don't wanna tweet for sometime definitely, I am getting on my own nerves.

The idea is to spare myself the misery of lingering in cyberspace, a relational wasteland.
My rubbish emotions adds on to this wasteland.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction. But that was not you.


So as I take a step forward into this new year, which I think will officially start with the end of exams, and the start of my internship - I bid you farewell.


The only problem is, how will Mr Floppy find me?
Perhaps he will be too absorbed in his trip to Turkey! With that solved, I believe I'm heading the right direction.


//


My hall neighbour Cindy is someone I really envy.
She lives her life in reality, a place I have almost disappeared from.
Facebook, msn, tumblr- nah - she casts it all aside and lives with her trusty phone.
Where only those who truly matters will seek her.
For truly worthy matters.

Leap of faith.

My best friend will give this love of hers a shot.
She will fly to Shanghai and attempt to reignite this relationship that almost happened couple of years ago.
I wish you nothing but the best, I would do the exact same if I were you.

serenade him with your stories,
don't panic when you see him,
man bond over shared activities - let him take you ice-skating perhaps HAHA
let love shine in all honestly,
and yet keep him hanging for just a little bit.
let him know you're a little bit in love with him,
despite the fact that this big leap of faith,
already shows so much.


Be brave young one.

The quiet things that no one knows.

"Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the un-returned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."


He’s Just Not That Into You



The idea is that I never gave up hope.
For a moment I let myself slip and fall into some kind of depression, but they don't last, not longer than 12 hours a stretch (excluding the time I spent sleeping). I don't take my heartbreak to sleep, I cast it aside, and wake up glorious and ready to embrace it in all positivity.

Maybe it has always been about me more than it was about you.


You laugh and say I sleep early, but what you did't know is that sleep is the very way (and only way) I can run away from thoughts of you. Even then, sometimes you find me in my dreams, well, I call them nightmares. Yeah, but I deal with them, many times now. Watch me.

And despite all this misery, this wrong assumptions, I never gave up hope. Naive, plain-dumb or stubborn, I cannot decide really.







oh yeah, and I know. You're afraid of me, afraid of being seen with me, I don't know exactly, But i get that vibe, I know.

The Hurt

The hurt is in the act of possession: we are too small in mind and body to possess another person without pride or to be possessed without humiliation.

- The Quiet American by Graham Greene


.


Thank you for taking "Essays in Love" away from me. It would like ignited a spark that did not exist, it would have distracted me further. It would have put my restless soul to sleep in heartbreak nation, where I will dwell in an eternity of pain. It would have, it could have.

Resistance

A floral tea party for a friend at the much-missed Holland Village.
Dinner with the editor at an obscure part of Singapore.
Moments with Mr Wind-up bird.
Understanding interpersonal relationships.

I need to know.

What was running through your head in that few minutes of aqueous oblivion.
Those thoughts are very precious to me. I really want them.

Put them in a jar and stuff it in my mailbox.
Write them down, and slip them under my door.
just, don't deprive me of those thoughts, because I really need to know.

Were you thinking of it as some form of reconciliation?
Not in a highly emotional way,
rather on a social level.

(this is an edited version of a really long post. Somehow I just felt that disclosure has been pretty "fruitless" for me, so I'm keeping it in. I have to remind myself, I prefer Face-to-Face communication anyways. So talk to me. I will likely share over a cup of coffee.)

//


Today is fantastic for a few reasons.
One paper down, three more to go. Finding my Lotus caramel biscuits in the fantastic 24-hour NTUC. Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks. Moon gazing. Productive, very productive study session with my fellow Tong. Three cheers to newfound friendship.

Take my fearless heart.

Dude you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
You can take my ego, take my pride and my sanity - I have everything to lose but I'm fearless.
Find me in my moments alone, my moments occupied, find me.
I will give you everything, and then you might be fearless.
For my fearless heart will reside in you as I lie empty.
When I lie empty, again, I have nothing to fear and nothing to lose.

What makes you fearless?
What makes you weak?
and what makes you talk?

Take my fearless heart, you will find your answer.

Senseless.

Humour, most of the time, is anger with its make-up on.
And this morning, boy, did I have my thickest make-up on.

Grand Master of Silence.

Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books. - another distraction to add to my list.

I have decided to be less obsessed with CMC and generally the internet.
Blogging and twittering is still high on my list, and gmail chat is a daily routine. But I figured that I would rather be distracted by the idea of scrap-book-journal-ing. Enough of tumblr and facebook.

Spent the day cutting out random aesthetically pleasing pages from magazines and watching Sherlock Holmes. It's so witty, and Robert and Jude make a great pair.

Their onscreen chemistry is matchless, and I heard they are a great off-screen couple as well, sharing sneakers and all.

(My handwriting SUCKS.)

OH and so long to my 1st physical year in NTU!


Class picture from COM 254 Interpersonal Communication, the best module to take in CS (Pub Design comes second!).
Too much analysis sometimes, can be of a good thing.
GOOD BYEEEEEE


.....

I'll direct the energy I set aside for you to work on this journal instead.
There's so much more meaning in it.
But what if the journal's about you anyway?

You are a grand master of silence and no one can move you.
Or rather, everyone moves you, except me.
No more trying, no more crying.
Definitely no more hanging high for nights to come.
I've extended this deadline way pass anything.
It's losing validity.
We all know what happens to things that has lost validity - discard.

Let it die, secret heart.
Because I don't want to be just another doll in your collection.

2.49am.

I'm staring at your name like that's the only thing I'm allowed to do.
It is, I suspect it is.

There Is a Light That Never Goes Out

on a lighter note (since i obviously cannot dwell in the sorrows of unrequited love for more than 6 hours at one go):

I think the idea of psuedo lover upsets me so much but there seems be be this strange light at the end of the tunnel with Mr Floppy - who is all humour and wit - Floppy and I had this a conversation, other than the usual laugh-out-loud-till-your rectum hurts and the "love of my life ain't no longer love of my life" kinda conversations, this was what he said (in mockery or not I really cant decide):


Floppy: you are that quirky female character in the standard indie dramedy chick flick
Floppy: romantic chick flick
Floppy: the zoeey deschanel, if you may

But it was a smooth transition from thirsty thursday to friggin high friday!
AWWWW.

You had me at hello!

- Got the job! (working with soldiers and having to deal with their egos might be tough..)
- Ate a fantastic dinner with the C girls.
- Took a long walk
- Talk therapy
- Email therapy
- Saw the eye candy! (no brown loafers, but sneakers today)
- Used my new moustache bag! ($15 from http://nincompoopsie.livejournal.com/)
- Great Music all the way from Denmark! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh9gnLyNcVs&feature=related)
- Mum's surprise call from XXXX miles away in the cold winter

BLISS



and chancing upon this:




It can only get better. And I remind myself, it can only get better get better get better.
But I still think about how you had me at hello.

Why should he come back through the park?

"Why should he come back through the park?
You thought that you saw him but no you did not
It's not him who'd come across
The sea to surprise you
Not him who would know
Where in London to find you"


The Park by Feist

Our Esoteric Dreams.

I love the fact that you never try hard to get to me, and yet you always do.
Striking me with just the right amount of energy and wit.

How do you manage to get to me (my thoughts and my heart) all the time? Just how do you do it? Is it THAT easy to get to me? because it seems effortless to you.

Saying things like: “Where the Tall and Wild Things Are” just when I’m listening to the soundtrack of “Where the wild things are”.

Questioning "The adventures of the tall and weird", just when I have been bothered by its lack of progression.

Asking if you were the very person in question (Yes, you fit perfectly into the category of "Tall and Weird"), Mr Floppy hair, even when you know you are not.

This is the second time now that you made me re-evaluate the idea of: The wrong person who does all the right things.

Occasionally I look back on the meals we had together (not many, but all worthy of a long blog post) and the things you said. A discussion at the bus stop, the idea of leaving the virtual world (MSN, facebook, twitter) and despite not having any similarities in music, lifestyle (you smoke too much, sleep to little and eat with no preference) - you make the idea of a friendship work. To be exact, you ROCK IT (like sending my sampan out to sea)!

You are the wrong person who writes and says all the right things. You became a benchmark.

It's a pity I'm not in love with you, it would have been fun, really. Now I know how bad my taste in men really really is.

Lovely ladies.

It has been awhile my lovely ladies.

Ask me one question, any question.

(rachelmsmith)


If I said: "Ask me one question, any question" and I'll answer in all honesty, what would your question to me be? And to begin, would you even bother? Would you read into it? Would you ask me something of value to this barely existing relationship of ours? Would you? Just one question, what would it be? What would you like to know?

Will you ask me the about the very secret I'm trying to conceal? The one that I'm dying to let you know.
will you? or won't you? Really I'm so bloody curious.

You found me in flashes.

You found me.
In my dreams, my nightmares, my trips to school, my quiet moments detached from the world, and even in the shower.

You leave me.
Hanging high, sometimes hopeful otherwise pretty defeated.

Everything happens in such quick flashes I hardly have time to savour, both the pain and the gain.





. in real life, what are you busy with?

Tall and weird ones get to me.

Do I call this avoidance? Maybe it is for the best.
The tall and weird ones continue to get to me.

While you're after her heart,
I suffer from a lack of emotions,
that even an overdose of good music (hard to define) can hardly cure.
You are the best.


The playlist spins,









and strangely,

(just two songs from them, if not I'll be headbanging and causing quit a stir.)


//

AlaindeBotton's tweet: We have become such experts at being always in touch, informed, connected. Now must relearn how to be silent, disconnected, alone.

Marina & the Diamonds, Obsessions

"We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak. "


Tell me.

Everything assignment related:

//

The long weekends are almost over.
and I have no mood to argue with your thoughts.
Or even ponder about them.
I's rather put my energy into something tangible.

My heart howls in agony.

I cannot rest.
My body and mind are jittery, every moment.
My every heartbeat is almost determined by the decisions you make, and even the ones you don't.

At the end of 2009, I thought I saw an end to it.
Nonetheless I was plunging deeper into this super massive black hole. (it's so huge this is the only term available).

I want to disappear.
I want to lie my way to liberation of the thoughts.
I want the answer to be YES, because nothing else will suffice.
Honestly, I won't know which path to go down after that.
But then again, how would I know if I never ask?
Unconscious reading of your non verbal cues is already enough to put me in despair.
The song "friends, lovers or nothing" plays in the background, prompting me to dwell in this wrongness.

//

Despite the deadlines, I managed to squeeze in a shoot for wentong and three movies.

April Fool was no joke

I'm not sure if the forces of the world is playing a trick on me, but April Fool was one of the best day of my life.

Little sleep was involved, my hair was in a mess but there were so many other things apart from the aesthetics.

Non-chronologically:

1. Chronicle was sent to sleep.
2. Finally getting a B for my newswriting (after a series of D and C) - this has got to be the highlight.
3. Falling asleep with a smile at 3am.
4. Realising that THE camp song was actually "Run" by Snow Patrol.
5. At the end of my newswriting script, Hegwig (aka "mother of journalism") wrote "improvement in newswriting noted"
6. Bak Kut Teh for dinner
7. $5 beer and calamari at Brewerkz
8. A night of meaningful coincidences and insight with a new buddy (and knowing that we don't have to move forward)
9. A long bus ride home
10. Picking up JUICE, after months of being deprived.



I reflect, all the time.
And randomly pick out ONE highlight of my day everyday.
Given that I managed to pick out 10 yesterday, it says alot.

It was as if everything "lighted up".



via Marc John :)

"A quotable 21st"

If I abruptly approach you for a quote, please do not be disturbed.
I am merely working on a little project.