Unchanged Constant in my life.

SIMPLY BREAD - GUTHERIE HOUSE.

11 thoughts.

I need to vomit my thoughts.
So many thoughts.
but they are no longer as mind-blowing.
My life is fulfilling in a messy way, I shall define them.


1) Weekends
Don't sleep past 10am (unless you were clubbing till the wee hours),
if not by the time you crawl out of bed, wash-up and eat your breakfast ...
it's mid-day.
Spend all afternoon in cafes all over Singapore.
Explore explore explore.

2) Working
Just leave on time, work can never be finished.
When your supervisor(S) ABANDON you on D-DAY,
take deep breathes,
drink about 3 cups of instant coffee (before lunch),
and extreme speed, courage, adrenalin and efficiency should come to you.
Then you can leave work on time.
And do plan afterwork activities,
they give you so much more reason to leave work on time :)

3) Dating
What is the definition of a good date?
More than just good coffee if I may add.
Chemistry is hard to come by.
Eager beavers are terribly scary.

4) Morning Crowd
I was lucky to have been able to avoid the morning crowd for my past two internships.
Third time not-so-lucky, I reckon.
So this third internship sees me trying to squeeze bus-mrt-bus just to journey to work.
I swear I would elbow everyone if I could.
All the bad smells (morning perspiration), bad cologne...ARGH
and non-stop shoving ....total WTF.
(I realise that the best way to deal with it mentally, is to alternate between listening to angsty uplifting songs and emotional slit-wrist songs.)

5) Music
I quit John Mayer.
For so many reasons.
I'm going back in time, listening to good ole comforts like Travis, Dashboard, Yamagata, Fine Frenzy and Zee Avi.

6) Coffee
I notice that I have been drinking more coffee compared to days in uni/poly.
Coffee with breakfast (2 cups sometimes), coffee with lunch.
Tea - those are reserved for the weekend mornings.
Weekend afternoons I turn to coffee again.
Coffee, i daresay, is a mental stablising agent, more than anything.

7) Friends
allow you to be impulsive.
They let you indulge in abit of whining, and impulsive acts, impulsive meetings conceive in a matter of minutes.
They entertain you,
bring you new forms on knowledge (Hui hui taught me how to download iPhone Apps on daddy's phone...)

8) Twitter
Allows me to micro-blog,
everything is concise.
Neat and tight.
Less nonsense, less indulgence maybe, but great for a quick break from work.
So enough said, I tweet alot from my office.
Complains, compliments, reflections, lessons learnt, all on twitter.
(http://twitter.com/tongytongtong)

9) Facebook
My facebook detox FAILED.
So I will try again.
Facebook is a great place for sharing photos,
but DONT EVER SHARE EMOTIONS.
Encourages useless comments.

10) My 21st Birthday Party (called "My Quotable 21st")
LiBing is currently away, but the planning continues.
Xinyu and I managed to come up with some ideas for entertainment.
Location has been booked!!! (due to some booking error I got a smaller function room)
My party list has been set - I have less than 30 (the max amt the room can hold) at the moment.
Good because I planned for 15 hahaha, keep it good and keep it tight.
Need to get down to catering. (will soup and crepes be a delight to my guest? or do i do boring boring curry chicken/beehoon combo.HMM)
Next week I have to send out the invites and get my materials printed AND the cake confirmed.
BUSY BUSY BUSY.

Last but not least.

11) School
I did better than I expected.
I tend to do better when I enjoy what I'm doing.

I write to empty my heart.

I write to empty my heart.
To put away all those sad little thoughts that bite into the depths of heart.
So that I can be free again, free to focus on the attainable, the little details I always fail to notice.

My facebook detox is a total failure.
Just one status message "I write to empty my heart" drew a few unwanted comments.
I'm just gonna leave it there, I've learnt my lesson.
Never put anything even slightly emotional, that discloses my real feelings, on facebook.
As facebook is, afterall, facebook.

This week is wild.
Beer with WARNGS in town on Monday (BEER ON MONDAY?>!!?)
Meatballs & Ice-cream & good Gatsby powdered oil-blotter with Dion on Tuesday.
Business Traveller Networking Session in at Fullerton Hotel with Margie and gang on Wednesday.

Supposed to go beer-ing with Guan tomorrow but three nights have worn me out.
Thursday night is reserved for my quiet soul.

//

ANDY'S 21ST







CINDY AND CAMY



DION

Delightful Sunday surprise from Post Secret

Makes me smile HAHAHA.
Even though I'm just TALL and not super tall.

A sense of happy-ness.

So my I finally let it go.
Spilling the beans to mum, who is so far away.
I finally decided it was no longer a secret worth keeping.
This act was the next natural step to take given the twist and turn of events.

I stop searching for signs of you everywhere I go.
Days use to go by where I will listen to a certain song,
or scan a certain crowd and then let out a huge sigh, one that turn heads.
Unconsciously, while indulging in unrealistic thoughts of you and our flawed communication,
Yes, I let out bitter sighs.

But today was just different.
I was almost home when it occurred to me that I had let out zero sighs along the trip.
And most importantly, I was too preoccupied with my other good thoughts (of a possible short trip?!),
that I did not have to endure heartwrenching, sigh-producing thoughts.

Then a quick lunchtime trip to MSN saw me talking to Sandy.
SANDY - words i've almost forgot how to say. Sandy Baby, all the way from aussie.
I miss you, not with intensity, but with a kind of warm fuzziness, because you are so happy there (so it seems)
you're doing everything that is right for you, there is no saddness in my "I miss you(s)".

I really love this.
It took some time but Im falling back in love with my own life.
You have taken a toll on me for so long now X, now I am back to recreating my life.

Yes, a hint of bitterness taints in my tongue this month.
I've spit it out with all my strength.
Grievances have been settled through dialogue, and a firm decision has been made for me to forgive, forget and move on. There’s a saying that resentment is like drinking the poison and hoping the other person dies.
Passive-aggressive stewing has never healed a relationship.

My unhappiness needs to take a trip to the depths of hell, and stay there.
I have been with negativity so much that is causes so much self-neglect.

I worked really hard to nourishing my soul, feeding on Alain deBotton and taking at least 1 - 2 hours reading Murukami's "Wind-Up bird chronicle" every single day, beer and talk. After 2 weeks, I'm glad to be seeing some effects.


Oh my horoscope this week says: "You'll have a lot more fun if you stop trying to turn Mr. Right Now into Mr. Right. Understand that he will never be a morning person like you."

"Together we're invincible" - you forgot.

Bits and pieces from Cha's Birthday

"It's not your fault, stop blaming yourself."

I shall attempt to narrate my night of realisation.

A trip to Book Cafe saw the start of a plan,
something that I want to see through the end.

Chong's little gift to me:

There's a story behind it.

Erdinger at Timbre did not fail me, all except the live music at art house.
Apparently this new band only can sing lady gaga and taylor swift.(Shock 1)
The band exclaims in amusement upon seeing the name "Rachael Yamagata". (Shock 2)
They dismissed the existence of Kings of Leon's Sex on fire, which I think Shiryln and the unXpected would gladly run in for the kill. (Shock 3)

But the night did not fail me.
Over wings, beer and pizza, I came to recognise one the simplest concept/solution to the problem that plagues my life.

"It's not your fault, stop blaming yourself." - these simple words that escaped chong's mouth. These simple words.

I have never thought about it this way, ever.
I dwell in a state of misery, not because of just unanswered questions, but because I simply put the blame on myself (unconsciously).

Put it this way, it's like I threw a part of me (the vivacious communicator) into detention, and I spent every free moment questioning and retracing the events that led to the current state of things.

So on Saturday night, I let myself run free, throwing this blame into the Singapore river, and went home knowing that I'm not ready to move on because of too many unknown. Cliche to say, but let time show me the way.





//



No, you don't have to be with me.

Comparing parallels.

Last thursday I was writing my last paper, it was two hours of intensive writing.
This thursday I was drafting a press release, it was an entire day of intensive writing.

Last Friday I celebrated the end of exams and moving out of hall with a trip to butter factory.
This Friday I came straight home from work @The Float and collapsed onto my sofa, went into a 3-hour coma.

astrology.

Lone she-wolf though you may be, it’s time to join the pack. Today’s new moon in Taurus invites you out of hiding. A group of kindred spirits awaits your discovery. Begin seeking them out today. Their presence will have a stabilizing influence on your life, almost creating a surrogate family vibe for you. Can you handle a life of ease, Cancer? Perhaps the biggest opponent here is your own addiction to struggle. Let it go.

“Love is like a favorite book, The corners might be folded, The pages ripped, The words might be faded, But you know every word by heart, You might of had a slight lack of attention, But in the end you go back to what you love … that’s love.”

Day 3 with YOG OCC

Rushing press release(s).
Getting slammed by the Comms HQ.
Relying very much on the men around me for information.
Sparring partner in my fellow intern from NUS.
Knowing that boys will be boys and that they are mostly driven by LAN, Football or Porn - well one of those.


It's crazy mad tiring.
back-to-back merry-go-round meetings that sometimes DO NOT solve problems.
9am deadlines, gmail chat evolving from fun to work.
Twittering non-stop, twittering on post-it notes (HAHA).


I need to sit down and organise my thoughts.
Work has served its 2 primary purposes -
1. Pulling me back into professional life, links with the industry at the very least.
2. Keeping my thoughts focus on work, not emotions.

My books sit quietly at homes/in my bag, untouched as I moved through the crazy morning crowd.
Note to self: IT IS JUST DAY 3
Super massive blackhole indeed.

of you again.

First day of work was pleasant.
Steep climb up the hills of old MOE building, steep learning curves and overload of positive male testosterone.
The partner is a bit of a show-off but let's see how it goes.
I don't mean to brag but we all have to learn to be realistic with our goals - just two months to the YOG opening.
Please don't expect a miracle.

Tomorrow we'll plunge into three back-to-back meetings with the colonels, the captains, the BGs the whatnots.


None of it is a bad thing except the day was still ended with the thought of you.
How we took 2 tiny steps forward and 20 steps backwards.
I should not fault myself, since those 2 tiny steps were almost a result of my own perseverance.
But those 20 steps backwards, those 20 steps was a result of someone else.
I don't deserve to feel like that.
We could have ended on a hopeful and higher note.
None of it was my fault I know.
It was just unfortunate something had to intervene.

X broke up with her boyfriend of 2.5 years.

Just one of those goodbyes.

You were my favourite "Hello" and my most bitter "Good Bye".
The last day saw us sitting within a near proximity with obvious and deliberate oblivion.
On your part I reckon, at the very least.
I tried in vain to catch your attention, discreet attempts of course, but you were somewhere else.
Your mind was somewhere else.
and so was your heart, I heard.
So who's this new girl?

The biggest issue I have, honestly, is my lack of judgement yet again.
That you belong, along with a huge pool of other male-species, to my definition of "men who lead quiet lives of desperation".
I gathered my data from first hand experiences, secondary data and an inquisitiveness.

You like to throw back one-word replies ("yes", "no", "clubbing", "eat") - but only when I begged for it.
You hardly reply.
You make me panic.
I didn't like that.
Or is it wrong for me to fault the lack of communication between two almost strangers.

I think we could have "clique"-ed.
What stood in the way? My eagerness?
It must have been that way.
It's clear now, I can only be friends with those who don't see me as intimidating.
I might look like the boss, but only because I have yet to meet someone who can be my sparring partner.



I will miss this awkwardness.

No last requests.

"Last Request" spins mad loud in the background.
It's the last few hours left in hall.
I'm not supposed to be here but a trick of fate (or my dad's fantastic company event)
left me stranded here.
Well, there is some angst,
but I guess monopoly is my trump card for the night.

These halls don't call my name,
but I hang on to them.
Movie marathon and little talk will do me more good than bad.

Stop shrugging your shoulders.
I have no last requests.
Good Bye.


On a side note - as a celebration of the end of year 1, I got a new piercing, right in between my first and third.
It hurts like hell but somehow it's liberating.

Last Night

The entire day was driven by the world "departure".
Then you came tumbling into my life with the simplest act - a phonecall.
It was beautiful.
It was saving grace.
It was reconciliation. (My current favourite word)


We'll never change for each other - there is stubbornness and there is beauty.

A day before.

A day in pictures.


MORNING.

Keeping the door open as much as possible - the room is filled with too much emptiness, or space rather.
So I gotta LET THE LIGHT IN.
Tossed and turned till 4am this morning, there is some uneasiness.


More attempts at occupying space.
Making a mess and placing my notes everywhere.
Curry Chicken Rice for brunch with Camy.


AFTERNOON.

Back from lunch to discover the hall has sent a "reminder" for us to move out.ARGH.


Since it's Camy's last day in hall, I dedicated time to making farewell cards.
Cut cut paste paste - MAJOR DISTRACTION.
Selecting appropriate quotes for them.
In the end Cindy's went: "I just thought my world will be a better place with you in it" - Pushing Daisies
Camy's "An old fairytale once told me, the simple heart will be prized." - Keane's Frog Prince

Note: it is now 3pm and I have yet to touched any notes for my exam tomorrow.



AH the importance of packaging, again, time spent choosing the right paper and keeping it all wrapped-up!


And after the crafty finger exercise, I decided to make the most of the mattress.




I took like 20 images in different poses, I shall spare your eyes the misery.
Then I figured, hey being alone is pretty fun!

Endless hour of concert fun, playlist includes:
- Keane: "Everybody's Changing", "Frog Prince"
- Florence and the Machine: "Howl"
- Paramore: "Decode"
- Kasabian: "Fire"
- John Mayer: (The entire "Room for squares" Album, "Comfortable", "Slow dancing in a burning room")
- Paolo Nutini: "Last request", "Rewind", "These Streets", "Million Faces"
- Marina & the Diamonds: "rootless", "I'm not a robot" (everything in Family Jewels album)
- Cold Play: "Fix You" and "Clocks"



LATE AFTERNOON.
Before Camy departs for home, I invited her over for a photobooth moment.






After helping her move (going up and down 5-storeys three times = 15 storeys)I decided to reward myself with a snack while waiting for Cindy to (Camy's roomate) return.


.......



Night falls and once again I feel compelled to channel some of these energies out.
Flipping through my notes (COM221 - newswriting) and seeing big fat crosses left me pretty angsty.
My delusional state of mind allowed me to indulge further in music.

American Idol with Foo Fighter and Mr Noisy made me realise how little I talk sometimes.


Maybe WARG was right, in need of an outing with coffee(me) and cigarettes(him).

For Stef Fong - zero to hero.

Just like that, you left.

I came back to emptiness.

It used to be a room with our belongings, our shared narrative,
a random laughter thrown at a corner, while dust piles on the other.
Falling asleep to your typing sounds, imposing a fine on all your burps,
waking up to your morning routine, sharing bathing slippers,
laundry together, the sounds of you vacuuming,
finding random biscuits left on my table, sharing milk,
you laughing at the fact that I can snooze like four times over an hour,
being disgusted with the XX neighbours who pee without fully closing doors/washing their hands,
me killing bugs, you waking me up to kill bugs,
complains of me leaving the door open in the night for the bugs to make merry in our room,
failed attempts to wake me in the morning, gossiping about X,
sounds of your bedroom slippers, fetching water,
finding comfort in talking nonsense, and the silence that past between us.

And now I find it hard to even turn over my shoulder to look at the space that was once yours.
Last night we sat together and counted: 10 months of communal living.
From zero to hero, and something to nothing.

We were never best friends, hardly ate together, or disclose about our emotions.
But we were true-blue roommates, in the way we fit into each other's way of life.

So as I sit here alone, I think of all the times I never appreciate, and hope for another year of companionship in the next academic year.
Did you know you were my oasis? You, your company and that cheeky grin.

As I sit in the shady corner of our room, reminiscing already.
The strange ties that bind in hall.









It took me about an hour to put this post together.
I have to admit it was rather hard, and I got caught in the little moments of "we-ness".
Now I can't bring myself to close our room door, for fear that I get suck deeper into the empty space you've left behind.

A good laugh cannot do the trick.

via http://learnsomethingeveryday.co.uk/



Moments:
- Heart-wrenching cough
- Stacks of notes piled high
- Unfinished business with relationships and conflicts
- Friend confused
- Men in question
- Detachment from communal living
- Non-responsive (best) friends
- Focus splitting
- Our ability to be oblivious
- An obstacle
- Horoscope
- I feel threatened


Question of the day:
How do men go about with reconciliation?
What steps do they take?


In effort to try and understand reconciliation for a friend.

Paths.

I told myself this is goodbye and yet, my unconscious self pins for you.
Night after night I see her in the dark,
lingering and hoping to catch a glimpse of you.

I don't have the heart to tell her that I've seen you,
and I made the decision she would never have - I walked away.

It's not wrong to want love.
But I find it rather puzzling she had to choose you of all the specimens.
Why you? When you are so destructive and virtual.
What did the unconscious self pick you over everyone else?

Just so you know, I'm going back to my boulder.
He keeps me safe and secure.
He makes me smile more than you do.
My heart doesn't quite beat as ferociously when I'm with him,
but it's a comfortable rhythm that I'd rather keep up with.

She can continue to carry the torch for you, for even if you let her fall, I'll be her safety net and her beacon of light.