Water and Flame.

See how I leave, with every piece of you.


It's simply getting harder to cast everything aside.
Seattle calls, loud and clear.
Everyone has a huge hand in pushing me in that direction.
I'm happy, I'm glad.
Walking straight into the lifestyle i've lived and breathed (coffee, books coffee, books, maybe kickbox)

I'm overwhelmed by the excitement of another 6 months away from home.
The first 6 months in Hongkong was quite a ride.
And this, can only be better right?

Can't wait to start packing.
And if I could, really, I'll steal you away from your life and take you take with me.

Lurking in the darkness.

Sometimes I'm really afraid that I'll have to go tell them:

"No, it just did not work out between us."

It's impossible to be truly selfish.

"I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection. That makes it tough."

"Waiting for perfect love?"

"No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for."

— Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

"You've got mail"

When it comes to relationship stuff, I run away alot. Fight or flight and I always choose flight, it's always easy to abandon, to leave, to walk out. Cause so many things are not worth bleeding for. But B, I think this time i'm gonna stay on and fight. I'm gonna sit tight and see where the ride takes me instead of always struggling to gain control of the directions (and ultimately running away).


and in many ways,
You are that inconvenient guy that popped out at the wrong time.

I know what's keeping us somewhat together is not novelty, but I just need time to give me a second opinion.

Everything's bitter like sweet things should be.

And everything's good
and everything's fine
and everything's bitter like sweet things should be.


I run away very easily.
When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no fight or flight.
There is only flight.
With you I finally feel like I should try fighting?

Keaty kiddy pop!

Hey sister, we need some of that glorified past back.
We need some energy, we need some zest.
Do you hear the call of YOUTH?
and of course, all the advantages that it brings about.

A little reminder.

About 5 months ago, sometime in July, I sent a little reminder to the higher powers "up there".
I said: "Send me a nice Chinese boy with the right values" (it was a pretty lame spur moment post)
HAHHA



and suddenly there you were.



and I see the need to re-look at plans that I once thought were dead.

Warm embrace.

I was woken up by the sounds of my own sobbing.
So loud, so intense, so real.
My face was wet.
The spot on my bed where my face laid, was drenched.


So finally, the image of granddad has popped back into my subconscious mind.
I dreamt of his embrace.
and I could only tear, in happiness, in relief, im not sure.


Finally this image of him in my dream has taken over the real image I've last seen of him. I'm not gonna pretend this dream made things easier. It works both ways.



I miss his voice.
and I miss moisturizing his hands, looking at his weathered-yellowed nails and feeling his warmth.




Let this memory stay with me.

My love is not war.

I'm keeping my options open.

Heading to the museum with a new found friend, making dates with the old ones, and generally avoiding the idea that you can have even half of my heart. No way.

//

We had our first awkward moment today. You wanted so much to say something I'm sure, I could smell your uneasiness from miles apart. I was so nasty, so swift and too brutal with my use of sarcasm. Part of me wanted to see if you sense my spur moment unreasonable rage, part of me wanted you to deal with it. Part of me wanted and needed, assurance.

In the end you choose to bury the matter.
Was that closure? I doubt so.
And yet I can't speak a single word about it.
What right do I have? and most importantly, who am to make a sound?

You've said a million reassuring stuff.
"it's not about the waiting, but rather if worth the wait."
So many sentences that tug at my heartstring, and yet my stance is always to show not tell.
I dont want to make my love a war.
against someone else, against time, against the unpredictability of your new environment.
While i can happily tell everyone else that I'm leaving in a mater of 26 days and I'll miss them,
I can never tell you that, for fear takes flight.
For youth is a fleeting moment, and I want you to spend it well.
Doing whatever you think is right.