This year, cleaning up my room did not cleansed my soul.
I found evidence of what a shared with someone I took years to get over.
He is five years older, and currently into the 5th year of his relationship with another girl.
She could have been me.
..
Six years ago I turned down the offer to be introduced to his friends.
I missed out on his birthday celebration at Clark quay.
Everytime these events came up, I retreated deeper into myself.
Every opportunity – I choose to let it slip.
What was I afraid of? Your 10 ex-girlfriends?
It was my bloody insecurity.
All these years I convinced myself that this is not my biggest regret, but here I am, 5 years later, looking back at what we once had together. I let you walk away.
You were in for a serious relationship and I just wanted to date.
I was young, I was naive and I enjoyed being your centre of gravity.
but that din't last long.
I always thought you walked away because you had your fair share of fun and wanted no more from me.
Having taken a moment to reflect, I was the one who pushed you so far away, in hopes that you'll come back to me in the end.
you never did.
If we held on, this might have been our 6th year together.
15 April you asked if I wanted to be with you.
My reply was ambiguous because I was afraid.
towards the end, you lost that will to carry on, because I was so damn good at being ambiguous.
You could never read me.
You finally said you are no longer sure.
That killed me.
For years after, I avoided you like a plague.
I never really fell in love after that, you killed the richness of love my heart held.
I went on dating but I could never find another you.
I could never pull out any feeling remotely similar.
.
This is the saddest morning of 2010.
