And so I thought, now I know.

I thought when you came back I could call an end to the wait, the long wait to have you back in my life. My patience had run out then. Here we are today, over three months since you have been back, here I am again, without you.

It appears that being with you means I need to have an endless stream of patience. I waited two years for you to be back and god knows how many more years I have to wait till you have settled in. Your new business, your new car, everything takes precedence over me. Where do I fit in? How did I become so dispensable to you? When did we lose the love between us? When did we both started changing? I missed those milestones.

And so I have to wait, to count the days and nights, to count the minutes and seconds. To pray that I can gather enough resolution not to wait anymore.

I'm tired and my patience has worn out.

When can I say good bye?

4.03am

I tossed and turned. I woke up. I hear the sound of your breathing. I can't remember why I'm here. I realised the physical distance between us. I started crying. I realised that all I have been trying to hide in the hours of my consciousness had been exposed. The distance between us had been exposed in the depth of the night.

You slept soundly. The sounds of my sobs did not, and I guess could not wake you.

Who am I but a warm body on your bed. I'm guessing I was not too different from the dog you once owned. She died. I am on the verge of dying.

You never put your arms around me. Those fluffy good nights kisses haven't been felt on my forehead for years. Who am I but a warm body on your bed.

I use to seek solace in your strong arms, well contoured shoulders. You made all these in available to me. I tossed and I turned, you made not effort to put the blanket over me, to ensure I would be put to sleep. I tossed and I turned, you grunted.

I decided to leave you.

------

The first time we shared a bed, we were two warm bodies tangled up in each other. We craved for each other, continuously. When the craving stopped, you made sure you were my blanket. Your provided me with security. 

You planted kisses on my forehead, on my cheeks and on my left ear. You were always specific like that. I tossed and turned. You woke up, you changed the way your arms wrapped around me. Sometimes, you simply held my hand. 

I like to plant my chin in your shoulder. I felt I could share the weight of my world with you. You rest your head on my face. We slept awkwardly like that, entwined. Your hands never left me, you knew I hated that. 

One night we were so tired we could not keep our bodies entwined like we use to. We held hands. We fell asleep.

I decided I would stay with you till the end of time.

------

Tonight I sleep alone. It is 4.03am and I remember the best and the worst. Where are you now?

Sacrifices over the last year

Boss discreetly passed me a letter. For a moment I thought I was going to be fired.

Boss: "Tong."

Me: "Boss, am I going to be fired?"

Boss: laughs. "I want to pass you this merit incentive letter."

Me: shocked, completely stunned "thank you, did you have to fight hard for this?"

Boss: "yes, you can't go around treating people to coffee or telling people about it, it is very sensitive. You are the only one in the division to get it."

Me: still completely shocked, "ok thank you."

I subsequently ran along to the next meeting but while on the way home wrote him a long thank-you letter.

Happy 25th, and a whole lot more.

M X flew back from PEK to celebrate my birthday as he had promised. I was expecting a simple cosy dinner but instead I got a huge party.

I started the day off at STC, doing one of the regular training courses. Halfway through my explanation my team mates surprised me with a cake right infront of the class of 30 odd, I was truly surprised! I thought that would be the surprise of the day. Of course that followed by a huge dinner at sports club with my favourite butter chicken!

I met X at Clark quay at 7pm, he insisted that he wasn't hungry and we went for a drink at Ya Kun, kinda unusual but I complied. I held on tight to him and my daisy (don't know why this guy didt get me roses but no complains la). We took a cab to boat quay and walked along the river looking for the restaurant "absinthe". 

When we got to the restaurant Mr X didt ask for the reservation but instead for a lady. I was confused. We were led up a long narrow flight of stairs and while on the way up I heard Xinyu's laughter. I Walked further in and saw everyone. 

My mum, dad (bro was late), Tze, ling, Ying, han, WTong, Libing, keat (who rushed here from a flight) and Xinyu (who X contacted to plan the guest list n dinner place). I was holding back my tears and holding X'S hands really tightly. I was so damn shocked. 

Needless to say we had an awesome dinner by the river in a private room (loft) away from the hustle and bustle of the Friday crowd. Dinner was made of conversations, laughters and yummy French food. I can't remember much except that I was drunk on happiness. My parents, my bestest groups of friends, holding the hand of the love of my life, having my best friends right next to me, my parents laughter. It was so amazing. I never knew I was capable of feeling so happy. 

The bill was insane, but X accepted with grace. He held my hand throughout the night. "if I had to do it again, I would," he said.

With that, the night ended. This is perhaps the happiest birthday i ever had, the most memorable 25th on the 27th June 2014. 

Because there will always be more than the both of us in a relationship.

 

1 May 2014 at Southwark, grandma, X and I spent our last day in London shopping at marks and spencer.

Neglect.

Let's restart

I will try to forget. I will try to forget that you are capable of finding excuses for yourself, that you forget about important dates, that you don't really care if I've had it tough, that I am your girlfriend in name only. 

I will try to forget. The long lonely nights, the tears on my pillow, the fact that everyone is concerned and cares for me more than you will. The endless protection I shower upon you when people talk trash about you. I will try to forget, that I am attached, that we are together, that we are in this together. Because as far as I'm concerned, you act like a single guy.

I will try to forget, all the pain and hurt that you have caused me in the last two years. The two years we spend apart, the two void years of this relationship. Two years of my youth, I will try to forget.

But I am remember, I will remember this night, like many nights in London, that I have been disappointed by you. 

Thank you for what little or no love that you have given. 

Let's restart.

London 2014

London has been the destination we have been talking about since forever.

I've even dreamt of us being there together. Yet London, with our flights and hotels confirmed, seem to not be bringing us closer to each other.

I thought London would be our distraction. I thought the planning would take our attention away from the glaring state of our relationship. Yet, London did the opposite. All the errands I had to run for you and all the planning I did almost alone, the distance between us seemed to have almost instantly widen.

London, what dreams are we bringing there and what dreams would be dashed there?

Hopeless.

That is the only way I know how to describe where we are now.

Blessed.

Today I feel so blessed.

While work has taken a lot from me, in terms of energy and time, I am beginning to really love what I do.

A boss who gives me opportunities, who gives me room to make mistakes and who trust me enough to let me go out there to travel and run exercises on my own..

Blessed.

Yesterday he told me that I will be heading to Japan. Two weeks ago he said he will let me run taipei's exercise. Just about a month ago I returned from being an observer at Sydney and Goldcoast's exercise.

And I ask myself, isn't this the life I am searching for?

Out of reach.

Years ago, traces of you filled my life. Every corner I turn, you seem to be there, waiting to speak to me, to hear me out. Lately, I find myself searching for you at the very corners that you once existed. Sometimes, no matter how hard I search or call out, you are always out of reach.

The end.

"I know she had a heart bypass."

"she's 91 this year. We are not going to do an autopsy."

"she is likely to have had a heart attack, she did not suffer, it was fast."

"I made chicken rice for her yesterday, she seemed fine."

"she didt get to eat her favourite French fries, and I didt talk to her today."

"When was the last time you saw her?"


Good bye Popo. I'm sorry I came by so little and always had an excuse for it. You took my every excuse. You told me to focus on work. I'm sorry. We were supposed to take the graduation shot together. I'm sorry I gave you so little.

Things I understand.

Whole universe.

Sometimes I look at you and I see the whole universe. I see the whole universe existing just the way I would like it to.

Another departure.

Today I sent you off again. I've lost count of the number of times we said good bye. Yet, that good bye hug still doesn't fail to bring tears to my eyes.

You are not the perfect boyfriend. While you supposedly came back for my graduation, you were late, and missed a big chuck of it. It broke my heart for abit, yet, the tiredness on your face told me that you tried your best. That, I could accept.

Since two months ago, we started talking about a trip to Korea. Yet this trip back, we realised that our timing did not match and this trip would not happen. It's heartbreaking, but I hope we work out something else. Seems like there are a lot of things stopping us in our tracks.

We also celebrated our second anniversary apart, back on 10th July. No big bang celebration, just a call to tell each other that we hope to celebrate many more years together. I can only wish that next year, things would have changed drastically.

Us.

“There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you've taken from me, everything I've given you, and the waste of all the time I've spent on us.”

“It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.”

― David Levithan

Mistake.

Happy 2nd year.

As the magical dust around our relationship starts to vanish, I wish us a happy 2nd anniversary.

May distance stop being a problem, may complacency be outwitted by clever planning, may we make it through this difficult time.

Never.

No matter how many trips I make to beijing, you will never love me again.

Let's talk.

Dear diary,

You've been lonely. These days you sit at a corner of my room and dust, layers and layers of dust, are your only friends. I'm sorry, i'm sorry that I've now forgotten how to write.

These days I get lazy and I'd rather talk, not write. These days I sleep at 10.30 if possible and my life has no room for a 30-min confessional diary writing time. For that I'm sorry.

It's my birthday today. Friends start talking to me and wishing me happy birthday. But all I can think about is you.

How you walked me through my darkest days, most from hall life, and how at one point of time I relied on no
One but you.

Dear diary, I'm sorry that you are now neglected. I love you, but these days I love leaving thoughts in my mind even
More.

Dead diary, give me some time, I will come back to you.