Split moment decisions.

Yes you were right, we'll need "guts and steel" in both of us to get through this.

Funny how the moment you showed me to the door was the moment I knew I did't want that door to exist.

Assurance.

I need to hear this one last time;
That you don't want me to run away. and perhaps we really need each other more than we think we do.

One last time, please.

Do you have any idea what you at proposing at all?

You've thrown me from one deep one to another, and as much as I understand that you are just being "fair" to me. I can't help but feel that I've already started to fall (tumbling would be the right word) into this rabbit hole of yours.

So you better hold on to me tight.

Jason is right.

"Dating is just awkward moments and one person wants more than the other. It's just that constant strangeness. I think it's a very real thing."

- Jason Schwartzman

The English Patient.

"Her life with others no longer interests him. He wants only her stalking beauty, her theatre of expressions. He wants the minute and secret reflection between them, the depth of field minimal, their foreignness intimate like two pages of a closed book."

"The new lover enters the habits of the other. Things are smashed, revealed in new light. That is done with nervous or tender sentences, although the heart is an organ of fire."

"You have to protect yourself from sadness. Sadness is very close to hate. Let me tell you this. This is the thing I learned. If you take in someone else's poison– thinking that you can cure them by sharing it– you will instead store in within you."


Michael Ondaatje.

I think I need you for reasons I don't know.

If I could bend your pain into something good
Make you a prouder man
If I could rough you up then save you with good luck
And show you hope again

Yamagata puts my feelings into words. Short succinct sentences, these lingering thoughts.

Whale of a time, and a little bit more.

San Juan - beyond beautiful.
The Harry Potter forest, the green pastures, the whales at a great distance, the seals that look like sausages and the company that felt like family.

Nightmare - beyond horrible.
I dreamt that I died, before I could tell you what I really wanted to say to you.

Toilet Conversations 1.

Call me superficial but honestly, make up is important.
On days you need a lil perk-me-up, to add a dash of colour to your face, to hide an awkward spot, to brighten your eyes, to fix that missing lash. Yes make up is important.

and then someone tells you that they have gotten use to seeing you without make-up, in pajamas and big fluffy lion hair at 8am every friday morning in the toilet (gross but yes, i skype in the toilet, its beautiful).

I don't understand why.

The initial Plan.

In Mr F's words: "just float along until i feel its going to capsize then use some fireworks lor."


and then you had to be sly.

Food for thought.

Could 52 pieces of Vacuum packed Bak Gua help define our relationship?



Glutton for punishment, I dint know that the way to my heart is still by the stomach.

Really?

"Perhaps I love you. Perhaps I love you very much. But probably for this reason it would be better if we remain as we are. I think a man and a woman love each other all the more when they don't live together and when they know about each other only that they exist, and when they are grateful to each other for the fact that they exist and that they know they exist. And that alone is enough for their happiness."

"Laughable Lovers", Milan Kundera.

Portland - an extract from an email.

Portland was the true state that welcomed me to America. Seattle did little to welcome me, except shove bad food (read: BURGERS and Sandwiches) down my throat and freezing cold in my face. It did help that the treatment that I got in Portland better - we had a room in Hilton Hotel with Lavazza coffee and Crabtree & Evelyn toiletries, if that's not bliss I dont know what is. It did help that Portland had America's biggest bookstore and I can lost in rows and rows of books (floor to ceiling shelves, no joke). Books were not cheap per se, and I got a surprising total of two books after much deliberation. But it was the smell of books on a winter day, seeing people who love books walk pass me down the aisles, finding 3 versions of the same book (which means I could choose my favourite font size and paper thickness) that liberated the bookworm in me. It was seeing that the books they placed on recommended shelves being those I have already read, it was seeing the "new releases", titles that I could not wait to get my hands on that made my heartbeat accelerate.

Books aside, fun means having abit of action, not too much, just enough to get your adrenalin pumping without breaking into a sweat. That was how my first NBA match was defined - Portland Trail Blazers VS Indiana Pacers. Sitting in a stadium with over 20 thousand people, watching the action take place right before my eyes, seeing the team we supported (Trail Blazers) trail way behind in terms of score and catching up and winning the game in the last quarter, dancing to the music played at every interval, laughing at the lousy(but damn hot) cheerleaders, winning free fries (exclusive to the section we were sitting), seeing other people being randomly selected to receive ridiculous prizes like 3 bottles of mineral water or a pair of tickets to the automobile show, seeing ronald mcdonald make a guest appearence (right before we won the fries), shouting "defence x100", throwing random high-fives with everyone after winning the game ... it was the package. Well of course, I have not watched basketball for a grand total of 4 years, since leaving secondary school, since my brother stopped playing competitively. It was nostalgic.

And there was the food. Portland was known (well, at least my friends say so) for street carts, awesome food, awesome prices/portion. Well, we were big on thai food even back in Singapore so I went straight for thai food. Uncle was nice enough to go with my request of "basil chicken rice with fried egg" at no extra cost - even though it wasnt something on the menu. Best thai ice milk tea I've had since Bangkok for $1 too! So I coulden stop jumping around (even after I got my food). Soon, a long lined formed behind us, all Caucasians, I guess they really trusted us in finding the authentic asian flavour. Either that or this store is a gem we've discovered, randomly. After main course there's always desert. So this time desert was in the form of a 1.5 hour queue for "VOODOO donuts". This is the craziest thing I've ever done since queuing 3-hour for 2 dozen donuts at Donut factory. In preparation for this donut i had starved off donut for a week, so I was drooling in the queue, no joke. When I had my first bite of the maple-bacon donut, I felt like pigs died for the right reasons, well, and that was that sugar rush.

Well shopping was a mad rush, the only time i truly lost it and tried to grab everything I could in 20 minutes was at the NARS counter at Nordstrom. Stocking up on my necessities, eye liner and blush. I feel so cheated in Hong Kong (SGD50 for my orgasm blush VS USD26 for the same damn thing). Well luckily for me, god decided to let the NARS makeup artist not come to work today, so I was served by the Bobbi Brown makeup artist, she did not know shit about NARS, so I got say 2 products less.

300 emails in a month.
We are depriving each other of the other beautiful things in life.


Much is left unsaid, and even more has been said and repeated.
What are we to each other today? Will it be the same 5 months later?

"Do something new everyday."

"Do something new everyday."

That's my personal aim. So for slightly more than a month now, I haven failed myself. Be it walking on a new path, going to a new cafe, finding a new thrift store or exploring a new area - im constantly on the prowl.

CNY eve was a breakthrough - volleyball training with the UDub team (way too competitive), being part of a live audience at METRE5's New Day TeeVee Show, getting my Bak Gua from Fedex, seeing david Guetta live, new cafe, breadpudding, every thing crammed into one day.

A slice of life.

I almost forgot how it was like to truly "live" my life. I forgot the joys of doing nothing, I forgot the taste of sweet life, I forgot the greatness of doing nothing, I forgot the call of the empty streets. Until I met Seattle.

And now i truly forgot the power of twitter, or facebook or even blogging. Pictures are now meant for personal collection.

School is an excuse to be here for a long holiday.

Words that are pleasing to the ears. Thank you.

"you guys don't say it, but action speaks louder than words. Im sure deep down he knows of your intentions. its just an unspoken secret."

I had to touch you with my hands, I had to taste you with my tongue; one can’t love and do nothing.

THE END OF THE AFFAIR, GRAHAM GREENE

Meaningless struggle.

Detachment is easier than reliance.

I guess there are days you just can't be with me.
The feeling stings like hell.
So much so for trying to remain detach, it just gets more impossible as time passes.
I know it's too soon to say but it feels like time has already given me my much needed second-opinion.
In a relatively short amount of time I'm surprised.

As the reliance grows, I feel pride slipping away from my grip.
I see all the things I've ever said come back to haunt me.

I can choose to detach 90% of the time, but with you it's 99% reliance.
Such a meaningless struggle.

Seattle.

Slowly Savouring Seattle.

The kind of city anyone can consider spending their lives in.
The kind of cold that penetrates your bones.
The kind of coffee that warms your soul.
The kind of thai food that enriches the senses.


It just makes you want to stay out in the cold, or simply get as snug as a bug under your comforter,
with a lover or with a book.

Water and Flame.

See how I leave, with every piece of you.


It's simply getting harder to cast everything aside.
Seattle calls, loud and clear.
Everyone has a huge hand in pushing me in that direction.
I'm happy, I'm glad.
Walking straight into the lifestyle i've lived and breathed (coffee, books coffee, books, maybe kickbox)

I'm overwhelmed by the excitement of another 6 months away from home.
The first 6 months in Hongkong was quite a ride.
And this, can only be better right?

Can't wait to start packing.
And if I could, really, I'll steal you away from your life and take you take with me.