An email.

I'm just wondering if I'm holding on to prove smtg to myself.

Anything.

I would do anything for you, would you do the same for me?

Affirmation.

I feel that every night I've reached a new high with my tolerance of your behaviour. You, and you alone, help so much in affirming my decision. Thank you, I must add. I can already smell freedom from where I am at.

Can't wait to get this over and done with.

Lousy HR.

HR are the ambassadors of the organisation. Yet, it's amazing how lousy they can get.

Changing the individual in-charge of my case, delaying the start of my work, piece meal bits of info and leaving me hanging.

My angst level is at its highest ever.

One and a half years ago...

I sat beside you, feeling that nothing in the world could ever feel this right. We belong together, cheesy but true.

Yet today, I can no longer bring myself to talk to you. Every word that comes out of my mouth serves to piss you off, even though within me, I'm drowning in my own excessive love for you.

I wonder, what's happening?

Isn't it right

@loversdiction: ecosystem, n.: We live off of the love, and the love lives off of us. There is no hierarchy here, only symbiosis.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Sometimes your knight in Shining armor is just an idiot in tin foil.

One of those yearly reviews.

2012, a year I can hardly describe with words. It was a year with countless disappointments, transitions and interviews.

Career search. I must have gone for at least 8 interviews? The first wave in march, the second wave in October/November. After awhile, meeting a group of strangers and chatting to them becomes so natural. I got my first offer in October, put it on hold, another one in November, December and in January. All of the offers I thought long and hard about and in the end, I followed my heart and took one which I truly felt excited for. The package is not fantastic, but the job is. Case closed for job hunt, at least for now.

Trips. I travelled four times this year, of which three was with Mr x, and one with my family. I enjoyed every one of them, except the last one in which I looked for mr x in some freezing cold developing country. Taipei with my family was mad fun, and ended with a big bang with my sore eye.

On my last trip to look for mr x, I endured the torturous transits and leaped into his arms. After all, in that cold weather he was the only warmth I had. Yet...I'm not sure, it seems that the weather kept his heart cold, and I wasn't able to thaw it even with my sunny singapore vibes. I spent Xmas in Beijing (a 2nd, since couple years back I did it with my family) and decorated X's place. It brought back some warmth, but that too was only momentarily. I can't help but wonder what else I could do to thaw his heart, and if whatever I do could really make a difference anyway.

Health. My body was not very cooperative in 2012. I had constant headaches (cured by coffee), eye problems and gastric problems, which all exploded and got worst towards the end of the year.

Education. I finally bid good bye to education and am now eagerly awaiting my certificate. I graduated with an expected grade but supplemented with my internships, doors did open for me. My final year big bang project did well for me, and that has led to, hopefully a career. To my academic parents, I am grateful, thank you prof p and prof l.

Colleagues and mentorship. It took me a long time to warm up to them, and when I did, I received lessons that I know I'll keep in my head for a long time. I'll take those lessons to my next job and hopefully do well. It started really painful, but it ended pretty sweet.

Best friends. X's departure saw me rebuilding my best friend-ships. I turned to many of them so much more, and they offered an insane amount of support and love through some of my darkest days. Thank you for listening my lady loves.

I'm sure this is going to be just one of those reviews. Many more will come in the next few days. Thoughts are swirling in my head, I have so much I want to pour out to document those months I have lived.

Post-Beijing

“I feel you retreating from me and make a grab to hold you to me, but my hand only comes back with sand.”

And the boy(s).

Sometimes the words escape me, and occasionally a song comes along and sums up everything I feel in a verse or two.

"It's been days now and you've change your mind again. It feels like years now, and I can tell how time has bend your ideas.// and the boys go on and on and on and on again, And there's gold falling from the ceiling of this world, falling from the heartbeat of this girl."

Some kind of philosophy.

After an insanely unhappy day at work, where I obviously gave so much and got so little in return, I stood in the shower and reflected.

This came to me: "work hard, live harder".

Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder

I chanted this five times in the shower and felt that the next step was just about living up to it.

I've worked hard, no doubts about it. No one sees it, no doubt about it. I'll keep at it, definitely. Next step, live hard. Play hard, party hard.

Be less concern about what they think about me. Shake it out, shake it up, live it out!

And so, this is building resilience. This is transforming angry tears into a reminder. A reminder to live a hard as my youth will take me and leave the old hags to their game of hide-and-seek.

Fathom

I cannot fathom life without Mr X, it's possible, just incredibly difficult.

Sometimes I wish he knew why I choose to run away from talking about our future. It feels like once we talk about it we are on a countdown till the end.That's why I constantly play hide and seek.

Bestfriends, version 2

They don't truly leave you :)

Friendship takes a lot of courage too, never knew that till couple of days ago. The results are just spectacular.

After countless sleepless nights I took a leap of faith, the passage was rocky but I had a safe landing.

To many more jumps like this one in our friendship.

On repeat.

Sometimes I make the same mistakes over and over again, and I don't understand why I make them either.

But for your case, I think it was a case of priority, you put yourself ahead of everything else. Time and time again we repeat the same argument and to frank, it's getting kind of boring and irritating to me. I don't teach common sense, I can't be teaching you how to act your age, or to act as a proper person all the time.

And I've decided too, I can't be always that forgiving. Second chances after second chances I've realised that instead of learning from your mistakes, the second chances have affirmed your decisions to push boundaries and leave me to fend for myself.

One day a little bird flew by and dropped me a message. It said this isn't what I'm looking for. I concur.

Best friends

Sometimes you try your best but in the end it's all about letting go.

On departures

I'm holding you close and tight in preparation of your departure. In due time you'll be as free as a bird, but please don't forget the girl you left behind in Singapore.

Inbetween

We are heading to China in about 5 hours, an unofficial grad trip and a good opportunity to see how well we hang together.

Back during our trip to Hong Kong my over-independence showed when I decided to venture off to grab my last minute shopping leaving him to watch TV back in the hotel (I thought he would prefer that but I was wrong..) and again in the morning I went off for breakfast without him as he looked so tired, and I needed to deal with my growling stomach (again, he preferred company to sleep so I was wrong again).

Well, in between HK and this trip I can safely say that I've accomplished quite abit in my academic pursuits. For one, I'm over and done with the Final Year Project (FYP), a 9-month long research on crisis Management. Crisis Communication has brought me far, or so I hope, from the conference in New York, presentation in Miami, meeting X out of that class,   FYP friends and maxing out my read-O-meter for journals.

Internship will start officially in June, that's when I can dump my school gear and slip back into my corporate skirts, 6am alarms and media monitoring.  The last part is tricky, sometimes I still can't believe that I am going to be doing media monitoring (AGAIN) in my 4th internship.

Dumping reality, I jump back into X. So we've been together for 10 months and I found the perfect description for the whole idea of us. I guess reading does take you to place, and for me, it was like time travelling.

Back to the first date, back to how I refuse to tell anyone I was dating this guy for fear of jinxing it.

 

Somethings never change, he will always be that elusive jackass who refuse to have a picture taken. It's fine by me.

"If you want a boyfriend to brag about, it's not gonna be me," he said in an ultra serious tone one evening. I laughed. Things I love about him, so god damn private. And in strange way this privacy keeps me very safe.

and so, onward to China!

Imagine me and you, and you and me...

no matter how we throw the dice, it had to be.

And here's Easter's little surprises:

Reincarnation

X: if there's a next life, I want to be a guy.
Me: ok...i still want to be a woman in my next life.
X: then we'll have to be together.

Cheers to those 15-second conversations that head nowhere.

Like Blood

, the disappointment flows through my entire system.

A strong dull energy engulfs my senses.
Over on the other side she must have laughed, or even mocked my comprehension of the question.

I can't let go because it was the simplest question I had to tackle, the first step, and I failed at it. This is the most unwilling defeat, in my entire life.

I simply can't sleep.
Everytime I close my eyes, the silliness of my own voice floats back into my ears. And I can see it so clearly, everything I've done for the last couple of years had easily prepared me for the job. "How are you different?" she asked. Yet, I gave her the lamest answer, and I despise myself for that.

We don't get second chances, at least not here in my world.