What the fuck.

I would like to gently say the words "what the fuck". Because "what the fuck" is this shameless idea of giving our relationship a second chance and "what the fuck" or actually "why the fuck" are we not able to talk on the phone? Or wait I forgot u are at a celebrity birthday party and you probably have to entertain every bloody fucking person except well, me. Your ever faithful girlfriend in singapore. Sorry but "why the fuck" am I suppose to understand this? And "what the fuck" am I doing to myself by staying in this "what the fuck" relationship?

Oh wait, did i bust some fuck limit? I sure hope so.

What little I mean to you.

Your drinks, your friends, your football, your sleep, your job, your money, your new camera, your hair wax, your colleagues, your meetings, your friends and your life there.

Every single damn thing seems to mean so much more to you.

Where do I stand in this?

To think I wanted to take the leap of faith and run over to be with you.

So damn naive.

Say...

Something sweet to me before I fall asleep and awake to next week's challenges, will you?

Friday nights.

After a long week, I'm normally way to tired to think about you or us seriously. But when I really do, you always never fail to disappoint on every single count.

In truth sometimes I wonder if I will still stand firm for you when someone else comes along. He might not have your fantastic career plan, he might not be nearly as tall or as witty, but at least he treats me better. I wonder if I can stay firm about you. I might never feel that deep love for anyone else, but yet, I don't think it will hurt if I feel a little less and am treated a little better.

What have I gotta lose anyway? Well with you, seems like everything and yet absolutely nothing.

Idea: bacon pancakes!

Birdman!

Rough week.

My dream job came with a dream team, but job wise, sad to say, I've put nothing I've learnt in the last 7 years (media-wise) into it.

I've only just celebrated my second month with the company and already, I feel like I've been doing it for years. The work is never ending and while I love it, I do question the value of it.

How transferable?
Will I ever be able to bring this back into media or corp Comms? (yes, I still love media work)

My weekday routine takes quite abit out of me and weekends I end up just lazing around.

On a decent day, I leave the office at 7.30pm, grab dinner and reach home two hours later at 9.30pm. Most of the time I take a break before starting on second round, at 11pm. I read emails and prepare for meetings, and end the night (if I'm lucky) before 12. For the kick of it, I always tell my friends I sleep at 10.30pm, in truth, that means I stop whatsapping and read up my work stuff for the second day. No, sleep doesn't come to me at 10.30pm unfortunately.

In the morning my day starts at 5.30am. The travelling and preparation will see me reach office at 8.15am. The cycle repeats.

I start to wonder if I have a time management problem? Or if I'm really overloaded.

It's hard to really say. Meanwhile, let's wait a couple of months and see if I pass my probation.

Yes ticket, I'm waiting for you.

Attitude.

Instead of being angry, I've changed my attitude and taken a softer approach to things.

It does help that communication has progressively changed for the better, and he is shaping up.

Being with him is still beautiful, just difficult, because of the distance. But being a difficult girlfriend just because the circumstances are changed, isn't the best for us. Or so I've realised in the last 3 months.

So, may this get easier.

幸福了 然后呢?

彻夜难眠 是谁变了
我流泪愤怒和尖锐 是因为忐忑
你不能理所当然了你的资格
我需要更多安全感才能平衡

黑暗中沉睡着是你的轮廓
却碰不到你的灵魂
这一张小小的双人床让我迷路了

- A-Lin

Valentines day 2012.

I got flowers, an expensive bunch of flowers. Yet, my heart bleeds.

As X works towards being the perfect bf, and I work backwards on being the perfect girlfriend, we've tripped and fallen so many times. I know he is trying his best, and I enjoy being with him, just not as excited as the initial phase.

X moved off after dinner due to an engagement and I took a lone cab right home. I hugged my bouquet of flower, and felt insanely alone.

An email.

I'm just wondering if I'm holding on to prove smtg to myself.

Anything.

I would do anything for you, would you do the same for me?

Affirmation.

I feel that every night I've reached a new high with my tolerance of your behaviour. You, and you alone, help so much in affirming my decision. Thank you, I must add. I can already smell freedom from where I am at.

Can't wait to get this over and done with.

Lousy HR.

HR are the ambassadors of the organisation. Yet, it's amazing how lousy they can get.

Changing the individual in-charge of my case, delaying the start of my work, piece meal bits of info and leaving me hanging.

My angst level is at its highest ever.

One and a half years ago...

I sat beside you, feeling that nothing in the world could ever feel this right. We belong together, cheesy but true.

Yet today, I can no longer bring myself to talk to you. Every word that comes out of my mouth serves to piss you off, even though within me, I'm drowning in my own excessive love for you.

I wonder, what's happening?

Isn't it right

@loversdiction: ecosystem, n.: We live off of the love, and the love lives off of us. There is no hierarchy here, only symbiosis.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Sometimes your knight in Shining armor is just an idiot in tin foil.

One of those yearly reviews.

2012, a year I can hardly describe with words. It was a year with countless disappointments, transitions and interviews.

Career search. I must have gone for at least 8 interviews? The first wave in march, the second wave in October/November. After awhile, meeting a group of strangers and chatting to them becomes so natural. I got my first offer in October, put it on hold, another one in November, December and in January. All of the offers I thought long and hard about and in the end, I followed my heart and took one which I truly felt excited for. The package is not fantastic, but the job is. Case closed for job hunt, at least for now.

Trips. I travelled four times this year, of which three was with Mr x, and one with my family. I enjoyed every one of them, except the last one in which I looked for mr x in some freezing cold developing country. Taipei with my family was mad fun, and ended with a big bang with my sore eye.

On my last trip to look for mr x, I endured the torturous transits and leaped into his arms. After all, in that cold weather he was the only warmth I had. Yet...I'm not sure, it seems that the weather kept his heart cold, and I wasn't able to thaw it even with my sunny singapore vibes. I spent Xmas in Beijing (a 2nd, since couple years back I did it with my family) and decorated X's place. It brought back some warmth, but that too was only momentarily. I can't help but wonder what else I could do to thaw his heart, and if whatever I do could really make a difference anyway.

Health. My body was not very cooperative in 2012. I had constant headaches (cured by coffee), eye problems and gastric problems, which all exploded and got worst towards the end of the year.

Education. I finally bid good bye to education and am now eagerly awaiting my certificate. I graduated with an expected grade but supplemented with my internships, doors did open for me. My final year big bang project did well for me, and that has led to, hopefully a career. To my academic parents, I am grateful, thank you prof p and prof l.

Colleagues and mentorship. It took me a long time to warm up to them, and when I did, I received lessons that I know I'll keep in my head for a long time. I'll take those lessons to my next job and hopefully do well. It started really painful, but it ended pretty sweet.

Best friends. X's departure saw me rebuilding my best friend-ships. I turned to many of them so much more, and they offered an insane amount of support and love through some of my darkest days. Thank you for listening my lady loves.

I'm sure this is going to be just one of those reviews. Many more will come in the next few days. Thoughts are swirling in my head, I have so much I want to pour out to document those months I have lived.

Post-Beijing

“I feel you retreating from me and make a grab to hold you to me, but my hand only comes back with sand.”

And the boy(s).

Sometimes the words escape me, and occasionally a song comes along and sums up everything I feel in a verse or two.

"It's been days now and you've change your mind again. It feels like years now, and I can tell how time has bend your ideas.// and the boys go on and on and on and on again, And there's gold falling from the ceiling of this world, falling from the heartbeat of this girl."