Water and Flame.

See how I leave, with every piece of you.


It's simply getting harder to cast everything aside.
Seattle calls, loud and clear.
Everyone has a huge hand in pushing me in that direction.
I'm happy, I'm glad.
Walking straight into the lifestyle i've lived and breathed (coffee, books coffee, books, maybe kickbox)

I'm overwhelmed by the excitement of another 6 months away from home.
The first 6 months in Hongkong was quite a ride.
And this, can only be better right?

Can't wait to start packing.
And if I could, really, I'll steal you away from your life and take you take with me.

Lurking in the darkness.

Sometimes I'm really afraid that I'll have to go tell them:

"No, it just did not work out between us."

It's impossible to be truly selfish.

"I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection. That makes it tough."

"Waiting for perfect love?"

"No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for."

— Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

"You've got mail"

When it comes to relationship stuff, I run away alot. Fight or flight and I always choose flight, it's always easy to abandon, to leave, to walk out. Cause so many things are not worth bleeding for. But B, I think this time i'm gonna stay on and fight. I'm gonna sit tight and see where the ride takes me instead of always struggling to gain control of the directions (and ultimately running away).


and in many ways,
You are that inconvenient guy that popped out at the wrong time.

I know what's keeping us somewhat together is not novelty, but I just need time to give me a second opinion.

Everything's bitter like sweet things should be.

And everything's good
and everything's fine
and everything's bitter like sweet things should be.


I run away very easily.
When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no fight or flight.
There is only flight.
With you I finally feel like I should try fighting?

Keaty kiddy pop!

Hey sister, we need some of that glorified past back.
We need some energy, we need some zest.
Do you hear the call of YOUTH?
and of course, all the advantages that it brings about.

A little reminder.

About 5 months ago, sometime in July, I sent a little reminder to the higher powers "up there".
I said: "Send me a nice Chinese boy with the right values" (it was a pretty lame spur moment post)
HAHHA



and suddenly there you were.



and I see the need to re-look at plans that I once thought were dead.

Warm embrace.

I was woken up by the sounds of my own sobbing.
So loud, so intense, so real.
My face was wet.
The spot on my bed where my face laid, was drenched.


So finally, the image of granddad has popped back into my subconscious mind.
I dreamt of his embrace.
and I could only tear, in happiness, in relief, im not sure.


Finally this image of him in my dream has taken over the real image I've last seen of him. I'm not gonna pretend this dream made things easier. It works both ways.



I miss his voice.
and I miss moisturizing his hands, looking at his weathered-yellowed nails and feeling his warmth.




Let this memory stay with me.

My love is not war.

I'm keeping my options open.

Heading to the museum with a new found friend, making dates with the old ones, and generally avoiding the idea that you can have even half of my heart. No way.

//

We had our first awkward moment today. You wanted so much to say something I'm sure, I could smell your uneasiness from miles apart. I was so nasty, so swift and too brutal with my use of sarcasm. Part of me wanted to see if you sense my spur moment unreasonable rage, part of me wanted you to deal with it. Part of me wanted and needed, assurance.

In the end you choose to bury the matter.
Was that closure? I doubt so.
And yet I can't speak a single word about it.
What right do I have? and most importantly, who am to make a sound?

You've said a million reassuring stuff.
"it's not about the waiting, but rather if worth the wait."
So many sentences that tug at my heartstring, and yet my stance is always to show not tell.
I dont want to make my love a war.
against someone else, against time, against the unpredictability of your new environment.
While i can happily tell everyone else that I'm leaving in a mater of 26 days and I'll miss them,
I can never tell you that, for fear takes flight.
For youth is a fleeting moment, and I want you to spend it well.
Doing whatever you think is right.

A month later.

I like how grandma wakes me up every morning.
nags at me to get work done.
cooks my favourite dishes.
constantly asks me if I'm hungry.
laugh at my lousy chinese.
automatically translates stuff she's saying from hokkien to mandarin when i'm around.
clean my ears for me.
tickles me.
asks me if I need a thicker blanket every night.
speaks in me in her random english phrases.

Sometimes you take a nasty incident and flip over your perspective towards it.
If not for granddad's passing I might have been unable to spend so much time with her before I fly.
I use to hang around only during the holidays and on fridays.
But now, we share a home.

the issue of bones.

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, I will try to fix you"


- FIX YOU, COLDPLAY.

We don't share.

I TRUST YOU, I really do.
I trust you to get out of this and be just her friend.
But i'm still keeping my fingers crossed.
Sorry B, I dont wanna share you with anyone else.

Bones.

"You're getting into my bones."

In a way I'm glad you din't understand that.
In a killers way - do you wanna come with me/do you wanna feel my bones/on your bones/its only natural.

Overpromise.

They say 6 months ain't very long.
I beg to differ, having spent 6 months in HongKong, I think it's not exactly short.
In a matter of weeks, life took a big turn with granddad's passing. Time, or rather the "perfect timing" is always an element of consideration.

Seeing how in a matter of a week we have gone so far, I think in 6 months, many things can happen to you. You are graduating and there's that new job waiting for you. I'm not insecure, but I don't want us to overpromise anything to each other.

You said: "in short, I will wait."

I cringed, in a good way. But also in a sad, selfish way.
My heart is sad, teary and weary. Leaving grandma, leaving dad, mum and bro is already hard enough. And right now it seems that you have been added to the mix. In a way, I saw it coming but this is all too soon.

Yes I understand what my stance on relationship is: "like a shark, it either moves forward or die". But, the faster we go, the messier it gets, especially if we crash and burn.

So I stick to my initial stance - that we should just hang around.

Let's not move forward too much. Selfishly, I dont wanna leave for Seattle with thoughts of you weighing me down, because I know there's a possibility it will happen.

Worth.

What you’re worth is a question only you can answer. It’s loosely a combination of your ability, experience, and instinct. I don’t believe any of these three can be objectively measured, therefore it’s your responsibility to make a subjective assessment and assign a dollar amount to it.

Some people charge by the hour, but I won’t. If my worth requires more time to shine through, the client should not be penalized. But if my worth gets me to the answer faster, why should I be penalized?

VIA http://www.swiss-miss.com/ VIA Whitney Hess.
For my friends who have been in doubt.

No pain, no gain

I run away from vulnerability.
I don't want to feel vulnerable.

Today I started to trust you.
In trust I gave you a glimpse of my vulnerability.
and now I'm afraid, of the things you could do with it.

I cannot take on another event of hurt.
Please understand that.

a sad teary and weary heart.

I wish I could give my heart to you.
But who wants a sad teary and weary heart?

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you know.
You know i can't run from the pain.
You know you can't help me.
But i know you try.

More than 15 Minutes.

This was part of the playlist for the night, bet you din't notice at all.

You and Me - Lifehouse
Slow Dancing in a burning room - John Mayer
Creep - Radiohead

and no, I'm not a big James Morrison or KT tunstall fan.

Thanks for the treat, sorry for the midway tears.
I enjoyed myself. Did you?

Infinity and beyond.

"We want to be there for you when you're most vulnerable, when you're stripped of your candy coating that u put to face the world and everything else. I know we dont meet often, and we dont know what is latest in your life. But we want you toremember that we're not another group for you to entertain. we want you for you and when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. We love you and we don't judge the people we love."


Thank You, for the girls who embrace my all.

And to Jie Ying, who stopped me in the canteen, you might never know how much that means, but I've tucked that moment deep in my heart. You gave me some kind of strange strength to carry on.

C - for constantly texting me everyday of the funeral.
K - who dropped by with her mum
XY & LB - who knew that somehow by keeping their distance, they were helping me to cope. Who knew that this time, i cant talk through to a solution, and all i needed was alone time.


Just an update, I have moved partially out of hall to my grandma's house.
So I might appear alot busier because of the travelling, and won't be around much.
Things will likely remain like that till I head to Seattle on 28th Dec.

As you said goodbye I nearly died.

"‎I wish I could say I've clung on to time like gold, but as you say good bye I nearly died."



There are no words for loss.
A silent moment that passes on between those who have lost.
Tear, sighs and there was nothing more we could give.
The grieving does not end just there, does it?

Where are you now?
Will you come back and watch over us? Should you?
What happens next?
Does the grieving goes on forever?


My cousin, who is 9, asked me - "Jie jie, when will we see ah gong again?"
I paused and tears started streaming down my cheeks.
seeing this, he said: "forever?"
I hugged him and said nothing.