innate beauty.

Im screaming so loud, can't you hear.

Hello there.

Fall in love with me?

She went away.

It has been nearly 2 months, buried in piles of newspaper, criticisms and the echo of lifeless laughter.
My PR internship is great, and at the same time, just a seemingly vague vision of my future.
God knows how positive.

I know, no, I don't.
I hear you, oh no, maybe I don't.

Because sorrow finds a blank patch, germinates and refuses to leave.
So does emptiness, desire and pride.
"don't let your ego and vanity hurt you."

I'm afraid I have.
Because sometimes we get consume by the darkness, despite being surround by light.
.

after 3 years in Mass Comm.

3 years ago i thought I would be a journalist working in the fashion industry.
At that point of time my favourite magazine was 'Seventeen' - Yea, I was 17.

Fast Forward - 3 years later, I have just finished my last paper for the course - Mass Media in Singapore and Asia.
I hardly read magazines, My best subject is probably Public Relations (keeping my fingers crossed), I have worked with an editorial team (albeit not Seventeen nor fashion related but rather Travel) and I might not end up as a journalist afterall.

Some dreams were dashed, others took on a different route.
One thing hasn't changed;
I am still as determined to get into a local university, since day 1, that did't change, not one bit.

Although I am not as sure (in terms of a 'future') what i would like myself to be,
Im sure things will somehow work out.

well at least, I ofund a group of very dependable friends i'll like to keep for life.

Poppy is a flower's name.

I know times are bad.
But its definitely not an excuse to come up with crappy cheap-looking stuffs.
Take Poppy by Coach...
Lets see how long they will last.









fabsugar, a new on the read-list.

I cant help it.

I tried to hold back but it keeps appearing in my mailbox.
If i could conquer the collection and turn them into an assortment of glittery eyeliner.
Nightbreed is the best friend, and i want to increase the count.

First Love - not too late?

How apt, Adele is playing 'First Love' in the background and im scrolling through webpages and webpages of shoe catalogues.
(Albeit Media Law exam is 9 am tmr.)
Its never too late to announce the arrival of love.

Hello tacky black studded shoe, i hear you calling me, and my toes scream "pedicure!".
Having seem so many cheap-looking versions, Im please to say you fit my bill.



Yes yes, this picture is from Gojane.

V day in 2009.

Li Bing:
"unrequited love was a dress rehearsal."
Tania De Rozario

Tong:
"All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages".
William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Happy V-day.

zero tolerance.

I have deleted all of Chris Brown's songs.
I cannot tolerate domestic violence.










Strangling your girlfriend?
Biting her arm?
Slapping her face?

Even if those are rumours, what sparked it?

if love was blind.

Something I got off The New Yorker
Since V-day is just round the corner, it's nice to see something encouraging a.k.a LOVE IS BLIND.
Because sometimes it really is.

Happy advance V-day ya' all!

time warp.

This is how my man will age.





isnt he beautiful?



PIC credit: The Sartorialist

my mum says otherwise.

A short local lunch breaks with my ladies(T,H,Y,L) left me somewhat 'reflective'.
Its like, Im gonna lose them if I dont keep up.
I suppose it was one of those bad days where I was in constant denial, of myself.

I did score a valentine's date with them.
But if i cld have it my way, I'll want them to dump me one night before.
See, i LIKE to see my friends blissfully attached.
Even if i have to endure boyfriend talk - I LIKE.

I hardly shopped and did my usual non-stop bullshit.
it makes me feel 'me', away from the horrors of impending deadlines.
They make me feel safe, happy and warmed up.
Like drinking warm milk and honey while covered up with a warm quilt.

Our detour to TopShop was a huge disappointment (Whats New?!)
Man, I think I should stop being chained like a slave to beauty blogs.
Look at all the pictures i found online, they make topshop's spring/summer collection so enticing.
But when it hits SG, it'll be as good as clothes in bugis village.
The Clone culture in Singapore makes ALOT of clothes look disgusting.





looking forward to the big night out and SG to miraculously transform into style haven.

could it still be me?

I don't understand.
I don't understand why it's so hard to text a reply.

Friends might possibly know of my huge sage with kenneth cheong and seriously, dealing with it was painful.
Even after leaving Panacea, it was painful.
Part the bullying, part how my social skills turn out to be plain lousy (kinda thanks to him telling the whole office.)
I tried to make it more of a joke than anything, less the truth be revealed.
But i have to admit, it was traumatizing and painful.
Because i'll never been hurt so bad before by such a random person, over such a matter.
Its mentally disturbing, the things he did and said and i wish for a resolution.
So much that i texted him.
two times to be exact, hoping that he will reply.

he didnt.
and despite the fact that he hates me to the core (now i've resolved that hatred, just on my side.)
i think professionalism needs to be maintained.
To blatantly ignore me and the sms request was just plain rude.

you know how some things never change?
Its not a matter of character, somethings go beyond that and even professionalism.
Some things, well, its on a personal level.

You accept something, you let go of something and you get something in return, thou not necessarily.

Im just hoping that i can get some kind of resolution from his side, i use to think that I didnt need it.
I think I have to stop deceiving myself, because I need it.
That's why I think about it.
That's why i talked about it.
That's why i texted him.

Tongy Tong Tong, my 12-inch G4

A replacement set - macbook running on a 512mb ram, 2 GHZ and 160 gb of memory lags 80% more than my current G4 baby - replacement sets are utterly useless.

'Tongy Tong Tong' as i have affectionately call her for 2.5 years, will be leaving me.
Her trustworthiness is often doubt by me (motherboard, harddisk, screen and keyboard failures?!), but loyalty? never.

Apple headquarters has finally approved the exchange, no arguments nor tears on my side, they simply gave the green light.
1 year ago when my harddisk crashed, I was flooded with tears, on the phone with an Apple technician call 'Kenji' for about an hour, pleading my case.

1 year later, I only got a return call with a polite 'We are willing to do an exchange, anything else i can help you with today?'

Her processor speed of 1.33GHz, 512MB ram and a memory of 1GB will be replaced by Macbook's 2GHz, 2GB ram and 160 GB memory if everything runs along according to plan. Im in process of thinking a name for the new 'her'.

As I type on the worn-out keyboard of my ibook and rest my wrists on its smooth white plastic, the amount of work i'll been doing with her and the amount of tears and panic she gave me seem to disintegrate into all but a pile of nostalgic moments.
The projects i've worked on, the 'scratch-disk full' pop-up windows that threaten to burst my blood vessels when im photoshopping, the amount of grammar editing i did on her and the non-stop search for my missing word document formatting palette panel...
I look fondly at the right bottom and i see a black burnt mark made when i was in year 1, thinking nail polish remover could double as cleaning solution..

I will miss those with fiery passion (LOL).
and i will look forward to web camming with the new built in camera.





Good bye tongy tong tong.

My 2009.Part 1

I've been too busy working on my new year resolutions that i barely found time to blog - alright, in fact i stopped blogging to be exact.


The first week was a mad rush to stay away from caffeine due too my pending health issues.
Im also on an investigative case, checking up oon my health history which isnt all too good.

The seriousness of these matters combined with a lethal dosage of school assignments, left me gasping for breathe, literally.

Year-end/Year-start is always about reevaluating, and thats also what i've been doing on long bus rides.
(or rather, year-long)
Im not going to state the obvious and please dont bother guessing who it is, but i'm pretty surprised and disappointed by a couple of people.

"I am your bomb shelter, you seek refuge in me, but where are you when I need you. Can we only walk with each other though those darkest alley? What about the beauty of light, can we not see it together? Negativity dwells in us, Im not sure i can bask it in any longer."

"You are my bomb shelter, a piece of barren land, waiting for my presence to beautify the surrounding with pastel colours and rays of warm sunlight. Your emptiness now takes my heart, for I long for a space so vast and unoccupied, so that i can call it 'Mine'."


I want to look back at my 2008 resolutions, someday.

Come what may.

Come what may.
As long as there are tea lattes to be drank, i will be fine - pretty much.

Am leaving for beijing in a matter of days.
Biometrics passport is in the making.
Dad's nagging about laundry (and winter clothes).

Im still in a mad rush to finish my assignments.
Im still finding a place here.
Im still figuring how this semester works.
Im still anticipating a tornado thats gonna sweep me off my feet.

Facebook is a medium.
A tool.
Often misused and somewhat misrepresented.
I have no idea why i want to be associated with it.

we're talking about males

3 days and counting.
My heart's beating as if i've been running 2.4km non-stop for 3 days.
waiting, wishing, wanting.
"busy', 'away','out to lunch'.

The anticipation can be a lil too heartbreaking for me.

//


I once respected you, looked up to you and anticipated the sessions.
And seeing you reach out to help those needly midgets?
it was part of the programme, the system, the way chefs can't run away from killing a fish.
Now, i despise you.
Your measurement was of good intentions, but not so for us.
Not for us thus far.
Not asking you for help turns out to be a crime, a silent unholy crime.
Quiet, deafening, and killing us ever so softly.
Will you be fair again?

repentance, if any.

An old acquaintance posted this entry on FACEBOOK for all to see, tagging a bunch of us in it.
I DO NOT get what she is driving at and I refused to finish reading the entire text, i believe if she wanted to communicate, there must be a better way than this, are you trying to say you're repented over the fact that 'you've grown up too fast'?

Carolyn, don't you get it, its not about profanities, its not about the virginity that you've had 'stolen' its not about you and your underage clubbing ( back in those days). Stop insisting that 'you will always be caro no matter what you've done'.
It IS the awkwardness of it all, how water and oil don't mix, how there's no chemistry, how the whole group feels verbally handicapped when we are around you. Yes, i'm a coward for not putting this up as a reply on FACEBOOK, I dont see the need to wage a FACEBOOK comment war. You are fine the way you are no? you have your poly friends no? People move on and you HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. Its totally fine that you're feeling nostalgic, but don't we ALL lose friends on the way? Can't you swallow it and move on? And why make it sound as if we are at fault and you are the one who needs to be pitied?

We (ironically still the sevens) did not drift apart because we thought the friendship you have given us was worthless, its just how we cannot appreciate you as you are, so go on and find better friends. We've let you go on to find people who can definitely appreciate you more than we can.In other words, we gave you freedom from us, since you agreed that you grew up too fast , we are probably too childish for you back then huh?


Have copied word for word:



I have never felt so adamant about writing a blog entry until this particular one. It kept me thinking for a long while and I had to go back and forth before putting my foot down and writing this.

I've been anguish about this since a long time ago but I've never actually expressed it in any way. When I was younger, a bit about after my secondary school years, I had friends who turned their backs on me because they thought I clubbed too much & they thought I was rude when I used the term of expression "bitches" on them. I used to think that using "WOMAN - do your work" or "Hey Bitches - when are we meeting up again?" is totally fine because it's a very westernized style of writing. People choose to use "dear" & "Darling" for their terms of endearment but I chose to use profanities. This came with many disapproving looks.

In fact, I lost 6 great friends because of this. It never occurred to me up until now that I was blamed for my maturity and my growing up faster than them phase. Although it seems that this could be denied almost immediately, but I knew exactly what had gone through their minds at that time. I was denied invitations to birthday parties and get-together session. I was actually depressed at that time. I had chosen to rid of my secondary school memories because I fell out with the 2 best friends, and then these 6 others.

But then I realize all these years, when I blame myself for the drift of all the friendships I had - I realized it's not my fault. I realized just because I grew up faster than all of them - they can't fault me for that. Now I see them in full clubbing attire and pictures for the world to see, I feel sad. When I realize that they've learnt that "bitch", if used in a nice way - is perfectly fine, it makes me upset. It makes me think about how if I did not get my heart broken (too early) more than them, and if I had remained the silly girl with cockroach feelers for a hairstyle & a full-studious attitude, would I keep their friendship still?

Then I feel sad again. I realized - how much is my friendship worth, then?

Of all these years, as I try to patch things up with all my really (close) good friends, am I trying too hard? Or are some friendships worth the letting-go phase?

When we mature over the ages, we'd realize clubbing is part of the growing up phase. Just because I got smashed more times they did when I drank last time, and because I've had my heart broken, virginity stolen, mind wiser, I was blamed for all of these. I ask the question - is it fair? Is it fair that even though I no longer drink as much as I do last time, that they not ask me out to party with them? Is it fair that I am not asked for any big gatherings - like my friend's pageant or some birthdays or some get-togethers, I should blame myself when I look at those photos?

I'm sure if I go back to speaking to them now, I'd have countless of "been-there-done-that" experiences to share with them. (As I've always had) But just think for a moment - could I be blaming myself too much because of the friendship lost? I ponder.



Maybe you just need more friends.

Fear.

What am is so afraid of?


what's that thing that's eating me inside out?

beat up

i need you i want you i feel you.
Im dying for a coffeebean session with a loved one at Westmall's coffeebean.
Doing the good ole Malibu dreams.
sharing New York Cheesecake.
be anti-social, read a book, talk cock.

get away from MCM, from NP
from new media.

Im so lost and tired just spinning rounds and rounds with nothing accomplished yet.
I bet you so can tell right?