my 2006

mum has been back for 8 days now, n she'll be leaving in abt a day n a half.
i had a good time, things have almost gone back to normal.
nope, things HAVE ALREADY GONE BACK TO NORMAL.

...


we had lotsa good food/ fine dining, xmas shopping and great time in the car toogether, as a nice warm family.
how many of you can truly say that u spend good quality time with ur mama, papa and siblings?
well, i have.
despite the act that the duration was not long enough,
here was a memorable one:
the trip to the crystal jade brunch of korean restaurant.

















it was goood cos it's KOREAN FOOD! and the family is with me.

the bbq was fantastic, the meat was bloody juicy, bloody flavourful, and the pancake is so crispy, the atmostphere was so RIGHT. if u wanna know how it reallly taste like, u can alwways call me.hahahaha!
kimichi was great with rice, just as howw meat taste much fresher n authentic when wrapped in lettuce. the crispiness in contrast with the tender meat is to-die-for.





..........




my new year resolutions,

1) to find myself.
i know it sounds rather lame, but after a long convo with wei arng, i decided that i miss being myself and im sick of being pissed off, disappointed.

2) to work for value, not money./ to be less greedy.
i have to stop thinkiing of money, and concentrated on more value orientated stuffs.

3) to try very hard to find that balance betweeen old comfy friends n new understanding friends.

4) to try ULTRA hard to find the balance between my family n friends.

5) to convince mum to leave her job willingly, wiith another job waiting for her.

6) to learn korean
i want to b able to speak a decnet korean sentence by the start of the next year in school.

7) to read alot, to watch korean films.

8) to save alot of money to go korea.

9) to be able to put my soul into work n yet not lose track of who i am.
stop thw whole 'disappointed with other people' shit, coss im not THAT perfect myself.LOLS.

10) to treasure what i have around me, every single thing.
from the unwashed laundry and housework (at least i have clothes to wear) to the food i have on my table.(at least i have food lah!)

11) to eat healthier, more veggie, alot more veggie.

12) to buy the shin goon doll, somehow.














































bye bye 2006!
i'll miss u, u were the most fast , surprising and most changes year ever.
thk u for making me grow up so fast!

big hugs 2006!

shin tofu doll

im am sadly amazed by how many hypocrites there are around.
hahaha, earth is a pathetic superficial place.


......


i don't want the shin tofu doll. (i want to buy it!)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (i love goong and shin n bing gong mama to bits!!!)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (it is bloody ex, at 50 dollars???? but i still love it)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (it's so huggable!)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (everyone has it, y shld i follow?) but it's sososos cute)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (i want it, simple n pure)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (my heart calls out its name)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (i feel it in my arms, on my bed)
i don't want the shin tofu doll. (im in love with it)

the shin tofu doll is newly available at minitoons, i know, hyper lame!
i wun buy it lah!








i want the shin dollie!

my mum.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ms Chong Li Bing




.........

a day in school.

i think we could do more, i think it might not be his mood.
i think we could improve, do more, improve.
i cant take it, i know its lame.
what's wrong with the script?

i know 'director' is just a name, a title,
but i feel responsible, it's not good enough, y haven i got the courage to spit it all out, instead of just saying mayb mayb mayb, that it would turn out aright.

it's just that the cast is ready, the location is ready and the equipments have been checked out.

i feel so screwed that i can curl up and die, but mummy's coming home.
that's cool.

............


had a pre xmas dinner with keat and xinyu
it pains my heart seeeing xinyu getting thinner, i've talked to her, make her eat, but i cant monitor her 24 hrs.

keat on the other hand can make me laugh like nuts, usual.

it started out bad, like with them obviously wanting to have NYDC rather then settle at claritys'.
i persuaded them to go for chicken ballotin they din seem to care n went for bake rice, so ya, turns oout i had the best meal.
and xinyu got cranky half way thru, and i tried my best to pamper n love.
there's a strange atmosphere that lingers, yet there's a familiarity that we've always had. its hard to describe.
i just want them to be happy.

i hear about their lives and it is so enriching, they HAVE A LIFE. they have plans, and im just there, taking baby steps. keat is going aussie, likely, for attachment, and she;s going to b on LIME! xinyu wants to start a business rite after sch. PLANS FOR THE future, but xinyu did say smtg that that kinda irritated me, i think im just sensitive and possessive. It was smtg about 'if she had the chance, she would go TP's mass comm', ok, sounds cool rite.i think it was the already lingering atmosphere + the way she said it.

we took a walk, shopped and did the usual stuffs. i cant get the past back into my life.
so it ends here, with feelings i cannt describe.
bless u girls.


......


sarcrifice.
how much does it take, how much will u give and how far will u go.
i ask myself that day after, and after interviewing melanie, it goes grows in me.
like it's seeded for forever more.
and the question is how far will u go , and what drives u to make those sarcfices.

sarcrifies for the self, it coould be for happiness, for wealth for health.
Sarcrifices for someone else, pushin someone off the road just b4 an accident, saving her life, risking urs.
these are sarcrifices, and i can never get them.

if its not spur moment, then iits probably for love, this is what i reckon.




..........



i cleaned the hse, clearing out dust and unwanted.
a major milestone was me throwing away 3 pairs of shoes, 4 actually, if the red one had been here.
















.....

death , loss and love

on death, loss and love.




you go to sleep one nite thinking that u''ll be fine tomorow. You have a splitting headache but you dont think it's gonna last for more then one nite. You din think you would die in the hospital of stroke. Is this the work of god? or does death and dying lie in the hands of the devil? what have you done to deserve this, but most importantly, what has your family done to deserve losing you, and their source of support?





......





you are left alone, losing your group becos u read their peer evaluation of you. you decided that ur ego is too big for this, you decided to make them think that they are losing an asset becos of you. You sit alone in the class room, thinking that someone will accept you into a new group, u want out of the old group. You let ur ego wonder thhru the classroom, but everyone smashed it.
We decided to give u a chance with this project, to shelter ur ego, and make the loss not so hard for u. U say its ur reputation they destroyed, u said u wanted to join our group for every single project, u request fro a changw without getting our approval. WHAT IS WRONG WITH U? mayb u deserve the loss and the smashing of the ego.
you can destroy urself, dont destroy our lives. We cant work with u long term.



.....





i woke up this morning feeling empty. projects are done.


Bauhaus/logos-DONE
photoshop and dreamweaver test-DONE
Media and society test-DONE
Marketing communication-DONE
editing of location video production-DONE





the end of one is aways the start of another. Final project on the way. Being the director feels wayyy tooo scary for me. But i know they will always help.

mum is flying back this friday. i cant go overseas with her, i cant spend most of my time with her. Cos filming is going to take place, THE CUBE's website is going to be set up soon. i miss being loved. i miss being able to meet her afterschool every other day to have lunch, sometimes at hawker, sometimes at jack's place. i miss having her around to suan me. Come to think of it, she's coming back very soon, but it means she's going back again pretty soon.

two of my loves will b celebrating what they deem as a birthday soon.
For mel, may ur loveliness transcend thru time.
For Bing, may love, money, food and happpiness be part and parcel of ur life, for as long as ur stay on planet earth.(u know u love all these)



may santa claus visit me soon and grant my only wish.

all good things come to an end

so you can do all the talking.
when ur busy and dying and doing massage.

so i cant tell u when im busy and dying and still dying.
YES, im hot-tempered and the whole world has offended me this time round.

i hate doing fucking graphic design, i cant communicate using graphic.HAPPY?
im a adobe idiot.

oh anyway, i wanna thk dad for bringing me around, it saved me so much time.

i dreamt that i ran away to malaysia, away from everything, away from all these sleepless nites.
with no clothes to wear except my lousy OP tee, ehich i have bot wore out of the hse in 3 years,

u said u dreamt of me, daddy and bro. i hope ur not lying.


.........


shot of the day during locvid.
location video seems a lil better suddenly.

Crystal Ball

Tong loves to blog, but is too busy to do so.

good bye blogger, at least for the nxt 2 weeks.

yea, i know i SHOULD NOT BE BUSY DURING DEC!
it's the time of the year when joy blooms and accelerates everyday, but the closest thing i see is a couple of deadline.


oh man, kill me!
but fuck me b4 i die.

for today.

today:


wonderwall x1

yong heng x2

green tea names x 10 and above

fave cracked mirror x1

stained Quiksilver singlet x1

uncompleted projectss x many.



just look at how screwed life is right now.

-

FINE.
if u dun wanna do housework.
FINE.
if u wanna leave the dirty clothes to rot.
FINE.
if u wanna leave the clean laundry to dry on their own in a pile.
FINE.
if u wwanna carry on living like this.

FINE.
absolutely fine.
i just wanna remind u guys that i might be the only lady in the house right now, but pls dont associate me with housework and only housework.
i ccould fuck care like all of u guys,
i could FUCK CARE.
juss to remind u, i have been leaving the house earlier than any of u guys and getting back later than any of u guys.
1st one out the door, last one locking thee door.

i might not make money all the time i spent OUT, but u dont fucking push the fucking responsibilities to me.


i have enough fucking things to deal in school, dont u do this to me.

.


i feel like crying again, all cos of anger and more anger.

dun u fucking scream at me just becos i din turn off the heater or that i asked u to hang ur clothes.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU,
has been used too often, too simply, so without a care.
you can say in a bitchs' face, I LOVE YOU, you can tell ur dear family I LOVE YOU.
to whom are u telling the truth, and will they know.

the purest I LOVE YOU, how should you go about saying it? when is the time for it? not jus in an sms, dont jus end an email/ a conversation with I LOVE YOU, good bye.

inject real love to it, dont dilute its meaning and love.

and that's all i feel like saying today.

elsewhere.

during the weekends, i read a book so astonishing heart-warming that i decided to share it with the world.

ELSEWHERE by gabrille Zevin. my younger bro finished reading it and told me it was really NICE, i was stressed out and it need of somewhere to vent that emotion, so isat down with that book in hand. Not knowing how much tears it would cost me.

































Liz dies in a hit-and-run at the age of 16. She sails to what is deemed as HEAVEN. She know she will never get the chance to fall in love, to get married, to have kids. Not only is she deprived of all the womanly chores, she can no longer complete what she was doing on earth, like getting a driver's licence and finishing highschool. She will never see her parents, her dog nor her beloved younger brother again. the worst form of separation ever.

she moves to ELSEWHERE, as i said, which is what tat's deemed as HEAVEN, she meets her deceased grandmother betty, whom she never got to see because of her early passing due to cancer. Liz is reunited with her grandma, a dead rock star and starts to realise that death has so much more to offer. Elsewhere is another dimemsion. mayb we should try dying.

To think that i have complained so much while im still alive, i feel sinned beyond recognition.



do give it a shot, bound to drive u into tears. Reflect on life, mayb life has gave u too much, and all u desire is MORE.

what a wonderful wonderful day.

we shall start with this.





i've begin to love love love posting pictures again.
i hope it means the happy streak in me is back again, well, then its time for 3 cheeers for me.
good bye to depression (i think i was suffering frm it..) and HELLO to stress!
i'll rather prefer stress then.

stayed in school til really late for the confirmation of the ambassador thingy.
well well, i've learn many new things about my schoool / my blk.
we're especially good in broadcasting and PR and stuffs.
we are the ONE AND ONLY mass comm we are inclined more towards the media then business it self.
thou i learnt frm media n society that media iss driven by profit, so it is technically a business.WATEVER.
we are also the only school to have a mini cinema, and we do showcase spore films every now and the. FREE summore!
singaporeans ar..its time to Q again, Q for mass comm!
so kids, erm, i mean kiddos, nope, i meant YOUTHS, do join mass comm and NP!
a hell lot of fun awaits u. (we were told to leave the gruesome parts out.)

and every monday is lecture day, so i took time to think abt what i wanted to wear...





IM A PROUD MAMA of a black vest! quite a steal i must say!


look!









hahaha.try picking up bargains, its really fun!

















oh ya, i did play with derric's tennis racket, well, it seem kinda lonely anyway. :)




take care my lovely people.

time alone.

i wore a top i really really really really really really like (ok, you get the point that i love it!) to school today.
i mean, TGIF, im in a nice top, i shld be in town chilling, or showcasing whatever im wearing that makes me feel happy.

instead, im down wiith menstrual cramps and decided that the nearest shopping 'hub' is two bus stops away, down at beauty world. i din wanna waste a nice top, its sad not to wear it a lil longer before and head home and change into dirty ugly big tees.

lesson ended at 1pm anyway, going home is far too..erm.
did i mention photoshop is not working? big asshole.

and so: i went walking around beauty world and spent a mere 10 bucks, considering how i saved up this week, 10 bucks is like BIG.
nah, anyway, headed home for a nap and dinner.

and life breezes by, not without a few shots thou.

save the nite

harmless boyfriend jokes.

threesome nite along holland village, with Gelare waffles& Ice cream, lasksa, otah and nasi lemak.
some things in life are just worthless.

the 'ah-lian' pick up call style at the bus stop? part of a series of FREE lameness we provide.

lame jokes that get stuck in ur throat and armpit,
slow bus ride all the way to the bus stop my BOYFRIEND will pick me up.HURHUR.

laugh with me will u.

im very much single.

three cheers the the trio who saved the nite with their lamee-ness.

nothing is missing in between.

i had a bad day.
on a scale of 10, 10 being the worst, i tink my day was a 8.5.
a korean movie in the afternoon took down 1.5, if not it would almost be a 10.

How bad?
what's worst than not doing ur assignment when the due date is near, downloading photoshop and realising u cant use it and emotional blackout.

.......

and the main cause of problems, yet again is...:




Happy Birthday Mummy!
......

nothing is missing in between.

pit stop.

dad laughed at my joke.

in the evening, i went for a walk with him, he started jogging, and i coulden catch up.
i walked and walked, and he decided to walk too.
it was really breezy, i was walking really slowly, not the kinda walk that burns fats..and i went.

Tong: dad, we're walking really slow.

Dad: (just keeps walking)

Tong: you know hor, the best way to make me walk fast is in orchard.

Dad: (keeps walking)

Tong: i walk faster in my red pointy shoes than in these volleyball shoes! i have this policy that the more my feet are hurting in my pumps, the faster i shld walk so i can numb the pain. so going to orchard is like excercising for me. my feet is always in pain, so i constantly walk fast, wow, if got sale then i really walk like brisk-walking, damn fast, u shld see!

Dad: (finally laughs)

.........


simple afternoons with dad. very desirable, its a great time to pit our suaning skills at each other.

suaning is my nxt fave past -time other then complaining, when im with daddy.

amazing read.

mum's slippers are still parked outside the door.

i know she doesnt want them anymore, i know she instructed me to throw them away after she left for work.I jus cant bring myself to throw any of her stuff away, not even the i-weekly i buy for her, or the chinese newspaper she loves to read. im waiting for her to come back, everything is wayyy overdue. Especially the flight she's suppose to be on. it is not as if she arrived late at the airport, it is just delayed.

i wrap myself in her jacket when i sleep every night, it does not smell of her, just of me and my perpiration. i look around my house, a house so messy that i dont dare to open the door for my neighbours to see, a house filled with many photographs of her and us. it feels as if we live on different planets. it feels as if she has been kidnapped by aliens, amazingly, the aliens treat her well and she decides that she could get use to living on planet C.

well, planet C is much more advance then us. Planet C has machines that prevent any being from doing excess house chores. On planet C, everyone speaks language C, and sarcarsm is more part and parcel of their life then it is for OURS. another thing is that planet C sells bloody cheap korean movie/drama DVDS. WOW, look at the korea wave, it has spread even to even another universe.

she forgot about us, we're living on earth.
and earth is cruel without emotional support.



haha, this is purely a light-hearted read. dont come and ask me what the fuck happened cos that's precisely the point, no fucking thing has happened.

............



i finished mitch albom's 'FOR ONE MORE DAY'. it is a good emotional read, comparable to any tearjerker korean movie in the market.

it speaks of how pure a mother's love is, how it always has room for forgivness.
i guess u'll learn to cherish your mum alot more after this. it speaks of death and dying, a life spent in vain, an experience probably no one wants.

this is a story for the heart and the soul.

instead of spending yet another day at town, why not sit dowwn and drown urself between coffee and THIS.



...........


and here's three cheers to Mitch Albom.
may b he shld cut an ALBUM soon! HAHA

HE IS SO CUTE

OMG!

i have a BIG BIG BIG problem.
i have a CUTE-GUY-PHOBIA.
OMG, im not shy at heart, but within kissing distance frm a cute guy...i get so scared, my hands even tremble.
well, we learnt something new everyday, that was somethingg about myself that I NEVER KNEW!


He is the HOTTEST GUY IN SCHOOL!

ps: without li bing, i guess my cute-guy-phobia would be damn OBVIOUS infront of a cute guy.

i love wednesdays!

there's a pang of loneliness that no one sees or hear.

when its quiet enough, i hear it, feel it, and can almost see it.


........


today, i had my last marketing talk for unity.
the end of all my ties with unity, a full stop at the end of the sentence. I'm glad at thiss session, the teachers with me are mrs chan and mr teoh.
they are my all time fave teachers, teachers that i would take time to write cards for.Teachers taht leave a smile on my face and a print in my heart. oh mrs mrs mrs chan, i miss u like crazy, love the times u close ur eyes and start telling us geography facts.love the times u suan me, telling me im under performing. i miss calling u the 'purple dinosaur' behind ur back! Mrs chan is alot like my mum, the ang moh version lah! i see comfort in her face, and if she were to start nagging at me, it would even be better. Cos i miss her nagging as much as i miss mums'.


.......




and there goes another day in school.

she reminds me of her.

SHE.

love and hate can exist in the same time, same dimension.

can you stop making this complicated.
can you stop repeatig the same story to me over n over again?
can u put your hatred aside.
can u listen to what im trying to say instead of repeating your hatred over and over again.
can u start understanding my inner thoughts.
can u stop defining how much we love you by tears.
can you stop saying ur a slave to us.
can you fly back?
can you stop compromising on ur asshole job and think, seriously, for a moment, about us.
can you learn to love?


you get tired
we get tired too.
when u decided to have kids and a family, i bet u din know that one day, we would be selfish enough to ask you to give up on you dreams and come back to be the 'maid'.
i bet you din know we're obssess with u.




...


and as usual, im tired.
went to the preview of this 'art house film' called S11, by joshua chiang and Gillbert smtg.
the amazing wonders of what came before and eyes and went into my ears.





everyone is going somewhere, and where am i heading?

no pain, no stress.

hey,welcome back to earth, welcome back to life, and welcome back to late nights.

as much as i hate to admit, i miss mugging and i miss a JC-like life. i have beeen going on and on about it till im so guilty or even starting it. i MEAN, im in mass comm, a much sought-after course. and DUDE, it holds a bright future as long as my GPA hit a friggin 3.5 and above. (which is not the case yet).

but as joshua says: we ( the usual) are the unpolished jewels, the swan among the ducklings, the rose among the thorns. and blah blah. thanks for the prep talk. making it believe-able, is just another story all together.

BACK TO LATE NITES, wireless port is set up at home, it means i no longer need to tag people's wireless, it also means i have no reason not to finish my work before i sleep.

..........


i ask myself time and time again, till i got my NP package.
it was then i realised that i should stop pondering, because masscomm is the RIGHT choice. AND...ONE SEM LATER, I realise that someone has left the course. perhapes she finally came to a conclusion, and this is not where she wanna be.

i always thought about living life with no regrets, about making all theright choices. i always told adults that my choice was a good one cos it was logical, im going with my heart, and all that bullshit. But, searching deeper into my heart, i found my inner desire. before i go on with inner desires and stuff, let me just confess that im a bloody bullshitter. i bullshit so well, i got myself fooled. OR, was it just because my thinking has changed?

i can never get that scene of INNOVA JC out of my head. Thta day i pass by INNOVA, i saw them playing in the field, enjoying an after school life. This is what they get, carefree freedom.

what did i get? trips in town, food, laughter that has almost faded away.

i made the choice , remember. Dont turn back and mourn, dont turn back and say 'the grass is greener on the other side', cos i've already said it once too many time.

the grass is greener on the other side, its not always true, just 85% of the time.





i just want comfort, no pain, no stress, just comfort.

dig my heart out.

i wanted to be burried alive.
it is not an understatement of how i felt that day.
imagine standing infront of a crowd, speechless, nervous, looking at cue cards in english but cant even read them. i was worst then the secondary 1s who were presenting.
i injured my pride, my ego, all that i stood for.
i damaged the reputation of the institude that i was once from, i made sure that pupils from the BEST primary school in my neighbourhood choose NOT to choose the very institute that i marketed.
i let down the very teacher who recco me for the job.

this is how i felt: ASHAMED, ashamed of myself for all i've done.
and the only thing i could do is chew on a subway sandwich like nothing ever happened.

thanks for the opportunity, but sorry abt screwing it up.

drown me, bury me, yes.mayb just kill me.

...........


today was suppose to be really really really fun, i mean, i get to meet the sevens, who were previously MY LIFE.
although things have changed, and we're currently left with like FIVE people, there is a certain importance to this gathering.
feeling nostalgia, YES. But the very thought of my failed atempt in marketing killed me and burnt my heart.

BUT, it was a cosy feeling. Like chasing after a much sought after past, like we were back in those days in UNITY. Like we were still a year younger. Like it was just after school and we wanted to take a break frm preparing for Os.

this is how life should be. With them.
so fresh yet so farmiliar, so innocent yet so indepth.

i just wanna say i really miss you guys, and when i get sick and scared and afraid of whatever i have in the life im leading now, i turn to you.




........


mummy, im sick and tired and there's no one like you to comfort me.
i miss u so much im having so many dreams of you.
when will work settle?

carved in ur heart, as well as mine.-keat!

i din get to celebrate your birthday with you.
but at least i saw you!!!
i hope you enjoy eating the cake!!!
i really realy miss you, cos ur a bloody part of me you know.

its your lovely 18th birthday.
i want the pictures your 'i believe i can fly' friend took!

frankly, i DID get kinda jealous when ur T***** friend told u how much she love you. HEY! i love you too you know! and the hug and stuff. HEY, i give great bear hugs too you know.
haha,nah, random rantings ok.

all i wnat is for you to be blessed, to get a guy to take care of you so i wun keep worrying abt you. a guy to wake u up for lessons so u'll never be late. a guy to sing love songs to you and make a smile like a child. a guy to make sure that ur inner child blossoms no matter what!


oh dear keat.
happy 18th birthday. i wish i could give you more! like a house ..hahaha. eh you shld treat me to coffeebean yea!

why dont we hit the beaches, sing in the sand (i meant ON), and stroll along the shores , play beach volleyball, go and hook up some guys..like how we used to.

why do i miss the past thou knowing that the future holds so much more!

and anyway, that yr 1 guy is cute.not typically your kind, but..can consider lah.
and hor, u must pray for me to get a boyfriend soon too.(arhg, i sounded DESPERATE, YET AGAIN!)
and i was just wondering, when u made a wish, u made a long long wish..what did u wish for?


.......

dear keat, i saw yong heng in school that day. he still looks charming in my eyes, thou his face has aged and his galfren is friggin slim and tiny and im the exact oppsite.

dear keat, he is still the ideal type lah.
..........


tc.take good good care keaty.
happy 18th birthday.
02/11/2006

carved in ur heart, as well as mine.