nothing to grieve.

I lost my favourite picture of you.

The 4th day of new year brings no start, nor closure.

This year, cleaning up my room did not cleansed my soul.
I found evidence of what a shared with someone I took years to get over.
He is five years older, and currently into the 5th year of his relationship with another girl.
She could have been me.


..


Six years ago I turned down the offer to be introduced to his friends.
I missed out on his birthday celebration at Clark quay.
Everytime these events came up, I retreated deeper into myself.
Every opportunity – I choose to let it slip.

What was I afraid of? Your 10 ex-girlfriends?
It was my bloody insecurity.
All these years I convinced myself that this is not my biggest regret, but here I am, 5 years later, looking back at what we once had together. I let you walk away.

You were in for a serious relationship and I just wanted to date.
I was young, I was naive and I enjoyed being your centre of gravity.
but that din't last long.

I always thought you walked away because you had your fair share of fun and wanted no more from me.
Having taken a moment to reflect, I was the one who pushed you so far away, in hopes that you'll come back to me in the end.
you never did.

If we held on, this might have been our 6th year together.


15 April you asked if I wanted to be with you.
My reply was ambiguous because I was afraid.
towards the end, you lost that will to carry on, because I was so damn good at being ambiguous.
You could never read me.

You finally said you are no longer sure.
That killed me.


For years after, I avoided you like a plague.
I never really fell in love after that, you killed the richness of love my heart held.
I went on dating but I could never find another you.
I could never pull out any feeling remotely similar.




.

This is the saddest morning of 2010.

CNY - HAPPYYYYYYY-NESS

CHONG: thank you for the heart, for reminding me about the importance of me, my name and my family.

after days of "tumbling" around the school with so many new found friends (it's making my dizzyyyy) and the endless assignments I will now FINALLY be left alone with my pineapple tarts and Bak Kwa.

This year, my journey in search of pineapple tarts was a bit of a failure. So far I'll only tried three varieties, and all of them are mere edible. WHERE ARE MY CHEWY PINEAPPLE TARTS WITH JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF PINEAPPLE FILLING?

I shall try to find it in other people's house la.

Wednesday Blues.

I dragged myself back to school.

There is alot going on, I have a feeling I cannot manage my personal life anymore.
I seek solace in the journey back home, in being alone, in the comfort of my ipod, in K drama and the idea of sleep.
Once again I turn to playing the piano, or rather, learning a new tune - "Reason why"
the idea of academic excellence has crushed me.

...

It hurts so much.
I struggle to rise out of the water, only to be greeted by the warm still air that rushes into my lungs.

...


I think no one sees me as I am, and I start believing in my own lies.

I'll never fit into my prom dress again...

I chance upon this.



OMG 10 kgs lighter during sweet 16.
and PROM - some distant word I've never used since I was 16.
HOW DID I GAIN SO MUCH WIEGHT!!!
Must have a serious sit-down conversation with my mouth.

Ok la but the face and pose like questionable.........

Reading of week 5

They huddle together for warmth, but their sharp quills prick each other, so they pull away. But then they get cold. They have to keep adjusting their closeness and distance to keep from freezing and from getting pricked by their fellow porcupines - the source of both comfort and pain.

We need other people to survive, but we want to survive as individuals.

- Adler, Rosenfield, Proctor, p. 250
...

Spent nearly 6 hours (if not more) looking at blurry images, making a slideshow video and sending out emails.
I wish life was simple like this but assignments and quizzes hve began making their way to my door.
and the readings...they just increase week by week.

If there's anything to look forward to, it's CNY and the possibility that Florence and the Machine will visit Singapore again.

Heart Status.

a) you are in love
b) you are not in love
c) it needs a break
d) it's beating just fine.


How are you feeling today?



I'm on D.

"Houston, we have a problem"

He and I talked about you tonight.
He thought you were a saint.
I smiled and agreed.
you are, really, in many ways you'll never know.
The newsroom is strange without you.

...

Inspiration ceased to exist.
I start thinking in active voice.
InDesign is a stranger, it's a friend of photoshop, but yet distinctly different all at once.
It took me two hours to figure out its basic biography, how to talk its language, how to move with its rhythm and how to make it smile.

This isn't much but it's a start, I see a possibility of a relationship between us.
Love the fact that you are a CS3. Sweet life.


AH SHIT GOT TYPO ERROR. HAHAHHAHA that is so ME LA.
.

Let our relationship blossom.

A matter of handwriting.

My Managing Director used to tell me how she could read a person via her handwriting.
Logically it's possible, tiny and neat handwriting probably shows that you're a reliable person?!!
anyway I went to have my handwriting analysed by this education (".edu") site.
and.....

You plan ahead (not really, I think about it but I dont take action la), and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.(DAMN TRUE LA)
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones. (Finally someone can tell.)
You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented. (ITS OBVIOUS RIGHT)
You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

i hate doing stupid tests cause the results they churn out are will usually lead to my self-destruction, due to over-analysing on my part. But I think this is amazing.

Once in a philo moon.

A couple of days ago I met someone I could hold a conversation with.
He was also the first guy who talked to me about philosophy (apart from Prof Chan).

I like him for his mind.




...

the last guy who talked to me about mod and post mod has drifted so far away I doubt we'll ever talk again.

did you realise.
兩個人不等于我們.

We chase away the Monday blues

Last Monday was a trip back in time.
My space was invaded by flood of warmth energy.

starbucks - GREENTEA SOYMILK! (new love love)
canteen 2 - bothered by flies and the lack of eyecandy (quoted directly from keat "any random canteen in SP has more cute guys") AYE AYE AYE
Blk 46 - giggles and monopoly cards, chasing lost childhood.
Bus stop - the ultimate pit-stop, one which saw keat missing nearly 10 buses (Im not exaggerating!!) while we talk about both the past and the future. We shared our notions on the past, and our expectations for the future.







MY FAVE PIC






so charming my dear, you are.

I like the idea of...

via thingsweforget.

Ian says...

What I had written wasn't true.It wasn't written in the pursuit of truth, it wasn't science.
It was Journalism. Magazine journalism, whose ultimate standard is readability.

- Ian McEwan, "Enduring Love"

It's not often that I come across quotes like these, no doubt trashy, but with an ounce of truth.
The truth that sometimes I am writing for the sake of writing, writing to be read, but not to inform or regardless.
There sometimes, I lose my soul when I'm writing, and I write for the sake of writing, express for the sake of grades.
Because writing has turned into something else in my life - and it's not about the pursuit of truth in words anymore.
I have this feeling I'm heading down a darker, deeper tunnel.
Show me the light my friend.

Stunning Grey Walls and Motion Sickness.

GUAN's 21st on a double decker bus.
He ended up with quite some pus! OOPS

Going around places
Invading the public's spaces

Loading up on madness
to make up for restlessness






PS: I suspect this is the reason to everything, I mildly suspect.


and DEADDRUNK GREY WALLS AND TOILET GOD ROUTINE with who else but the double Cs (Cha and Chong)

The brutal truth.

via tubmlr


Dreams of you haunt me day and night.
It gets more intensive - the less I appear to care, the more these thoughts are channelled back to me.
My conscious attempts have proved to be futile.
My unconscious self have proved to be stronger and so much more confrontational.
My conscious self has no where to go, except to continue to function with a lack of empathy.
Detachment is the cure for my conscious self, and yet, it is the lethal dose of morphine for the unconscious.

I know where this is going and it isn't gonna lead me on to the right path.
So I continue to hide, and dodge and be oblivious while my unconscious self terrifies me in unconscious ways.

.

I suspect I'm allergic to beer, no really.

lesson never learnt.

I'm nursing a hangover, the worst there is.

At least now I can safely strike redbull and cranberry out of my list of to-drinks.

...

very important to realise.

“Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity.”
— G.K. Chesterton

Iike I mean it.

I'm living this semester the way I envisioned myself to.
its too early to say since only 1 day has past, but i've stopped myself from falling into the same traps and routines.

But occasionally,
I think about the highlights of last semester.
The glorious moments.
The smile that radiates from my heart.
The people who make me feel like I am truly who I am - embracing my personality.

I forget, those inglorious moments I killed my own dignity and pride.
I let them pass, like an empty bottle heading out to sea.

.

and I wonder, when will I receive the email that reminds me of your existence?
you make me so much more curious.
Did weed kill you?

You can take me outta HongKong but you can't take HongKong outta me.

January 1st 2010 - I flew towards Mum's embrace in ShenZhen, and towards HongKong, a place I called home for 7 months of my life.
I have a feeling this is the beginning of a great year in every aspect.
That is despite the fact that thoughts of quitting school has been swimming in my head. With a diploma in hand, my heart is wild.



Mum very lovingly prepared an all-leopard ensemble for me, so that I keep myself warm at home.



Mum oh Mum, who has a temper that changes like the weather.
I'm glad to say that visiting her was yet again one of the best decisions I made in late late 2009 (as good as my decision to move over to GH for the internship - not a single regret.)
Being pampered, loved and having lots of walk & talk therapy is good for me.

...

and then there was Hong Kong.

Being able to experience the warmth and noise of everyone in HongKong was heartwarming.
Travelling alone, hurrying to places, that was nice.
Mongkong and Central pretty much remained the same.
My fave bookstore in Quarry Bay (where I used to work) closed down. That caused a major depression, since my love for books have grew immensely over the last 2 years.







I visited the office only to be greeted by the absence of MARGIE, but the rest of my ex-colleagues were good with filling the void.

There was our usual 'picture time', greet & hug, talk of food, laughing at my Cantonese, talking about future plans and generally being welcomed back to the family.

Mary and Kenny were awesome in helping me plan for my next internship.




Drinks at good ole FCC. where I took time to bond with the interns - gerald and hong.
Gerald definitely still has his funny bone, and holy hell, he does lure the laughter out of all of us.



and HongKong restored the self-worth I had lost to NTU.
this made the trip priceless.