Someone you use to know

Somewhere in Singapore, Ms Y tells someone about you. That in her eyes you were suave, stubborn, bad-tempered yet charming. She would tell them how you stole her heart and how you broke it too. She goes on and describes your three years together, army, night cycling, chocolate buffets, sunflowers and trips together. She made plans for you to be her one and only, a future together, a home, a flat to be specific, children and dogs even. You disappointed her.

You called her decent, you said communication had become obligatory towards the end and you said getting together with her could be said as "convenient".

.

Although sitting through stories of the ex-gf is painful, I am ever so grateful that you tell me about what's on your mind when it comes to her. Your friend S told you she made it to become the company's top performers. You said leaving you was perhaps what made this success happened for her. I sat quietly, stared out of the window and tucked my hands under my thigh. I was trying to take it as a normal conversation, and for you, it probably was. Somehow this grown-up world defined by money and success seems even further away from me. I bit my lip as I struggled not to encourage contact, at the back of my brain I was thinking "tell him to congratulate her", but my mouth only formed the words "...have you...congratulated her..?". You said you probably would, I kicked myself for asking. *mental note to self - Don't encourage contact.

What did you make of my silence in the car I wonder? Did you sense my silent rebellion? I doubt so, and you rattle on half in effort to fill the silence, half maybe to comfort me.

"S asked me if I regretted breaking up with her, I said No," you added. You said there comes a point in the relationship whereby couples meet each other because they have to, not because they want to. It was like that for you, with her. I looked at you, and all I could think of was that it must have been the novelty, it worn off for you. I quickly shook the thoughts out of my head.

I meekly and in an off-tangent manner said: "My heart still skips a beat when I meet you." You laughed, and for a moment the conversation ended.

Yes of course, insecurity is the root of this evil, but here I am as a student, dutifully spoilt by you monetarily till I got use to it, till I feel like I need to break away. I was living the life/the relationship you had in the days of Ms Y. Sometimes you tell me, for better or for worst, I am your karma, because I reminded you of the days you spent as a student.

At this point of time, I can only guess that the insecurity goes away as age catches up, as I transit into the next working dimension and as we prove to be able to weather storms together.

Until then, Ms Y and her stories, will stay as a little prick in my heart. A prick that digs deeper everytime I try to pull it out.

And so, I wish for Ms Y to be just someone you use to know.

A case of bad intuition

When I was 15, I remember meeting someone I strongly felt I was "destined" to be with. Funny thing is, we barely got started and we never worked out. Since then (a whopping 8 years) nothing ever felt like anything was "destined".

Fast forward to 2010, somewhere in October I agreed on a casual lunch with X. Funny how I remember it so vividly, air-conditioned school canteen, Japanese food VS Gong Bao chicken, my favourite blue pants and a pretty bad conversation on prawning. There was no instant chemistry (so unromantic), and I even remember praying "please don't let this dude have any funny ideas", since I was heading to the US 3 months later and for the first time was TOTALLY not in a romance-seeking mode. I proceeded to look at his phiten necklace (titanium ugly chain that supposedly relieves backaches?!?!) and immediately failed his sense of style (or lack of). Unknown to me, he was failing me in the style department too. HAHAHAHA Some kind of perfect symmetry.

Right there and then, my intuition told me this was yet another case of a "one-time offer". Therein lies the case of bad intuition, cause when I was dating the guys that did't work out my intuition kinda goes into shutdown mode and "i-don't-give-a-damn-not-gonna-churn-out-an-intuition-for-you-lauliangtong". Well, there was something there I guess.

Maybe I was quick to judge (as my besties always point out), terms like overbearing, egoistic, self-absorbed and even silly and transparent, were actually my first impression of X. MCP was an ideal description too (sorry!).

I never knew how he felt about that lunch, except that I had hideous pants and was super chatty. What led him to ask me out for another date, to want to see me again, to start texting me, that is pretty unclear to me.

Yet despite my initial assessment of him, I never quite said "no" to him the entire time we started something. Well, unless you count the time I turned down his offer of lunch after crisis class and not wanting to start anything prior to leaving for the US.

.....


Last night I sat beside him in the car, a long quiet drive out of Marina yacht club, and I re-lived those moments. How fast we've pass certain stages of a relationship, honeymoon (so definitely over though I honestly still kinda wish I get to see him for abit every other day), and now enter this phase where we constantly get to know each other better, sometimes for better, sometimes for worst. I often wonder what kind of couple we are.....

We hardly take pictures together, we fall into routines easily, hold hands like we can't do without it, constantly jab fun at each other, surprise each other, fight and makeup, makeup and fight, get bored and start a fight, laugh at stupid fights and vow never to go to sleep angry at each other...the list goes on. I do find that we are bad at being a public couple, taking pictures together is a rather awkward affair for us.

So, after all's said and done, I find it funny that my intuition about guys have never been accurate, and X is the best example yet.

I am...

dating an elusive jackass.

Safety.

I've long assumed safety with being at home, with my father/mother/brother/grandmother's hug, snuggling up in bed with my favourite book (essays in love by alain de botton) and my diary sitting under my pillow, drinking my mother's soup...

Lately I have found a new (hopefully not transient)kind of safety. There's this wave of warmness that surrounds me and its hard to resist. Arms that tell me "relax you're home", "we're going to make it through", "dont worry, there's nothing to be kan chiong about" - a touch that renders me....helpless.

22 years of my life, and this is the first time a stranger, with no blood ties, has warmed my heart with his brand of safety.

Dec 10, 2011

5 Months into a relationship, I decided to come clean.
No more skirting away from the issue.
No more pseudo-single status.
Just me and My own Mr X.
so, we decided that maybe Facebook can help to proliferate the message.

Perhaps I'm truly tired of the dating field, I DO love new friends and new conversations, but I don't want to pretend I enjoy a conversation that serves to bring me towards something romantic. One Singaporean guy is enough.

After countless brushes with various Mr X(es), throw in a spoonful of disappointments and a dash of heartbreak, it finally worked. Now I constantly remind myself of "death by complacency" and well, generally put quite abit of effort into this new "thing" of mine.

I realised - A relationship, like cooking, follows the same mantra (5 from my list of many HAHHAHAHAHA):

1) Need for Patience
2 months of courtship, 6 months of emailing/skype, another month of ambiguous dating.
Misunderstandings, fear and the idea of the future kept us apart.
But he was patient, I was patient. We had patience.

2) Overnight
As much as overnight food mostly taste bad (I do love braised pork left to simmer overnight but...), arguments should never be brought/kept "overnight".

3) Too many cooks spoil the broth
We need two people in a relationship, nothing more, nothing less. X kept his distance from the girls, and I guess I can only do the same.

4) Fresh Ingredients
Be it a pack of monopoly deal, a new hiking trail, new way of holding the same hands, new dishes at an old restaurant, revisiting places that matter...in a crude way, same shit different smell HAHAHAHA. But still, the beauty of innovation and reinventing.

5) Secret Ingredient
Keep a part of yourself safely stored away, and share absolutely everything else with X.


and so, I continue on this new journey. Carefree and happy.
Ever-ready.

Death by overpromising.

and by skipping gatherings, being busy with school, bad memory for dates and wanting too much me-time. Im fast turning into a figure of solitude, a tower of unreliability, and generally friendless at the way things are going.

when the going gets tough

the tough listens to Yamagata.

I know what is breaking point.
When laughter blends swiftly into angst and then confusion. I go back to comforts like Yamagata's old albums to get me through the night. They help me stare at my projects/endless essays in wide-eye wonder. "So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right. Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night."

Occasionally, I do wish for comfort that is more substantial. Soothing words, but these things rarely come about at the right time.

well, the silver lining of the day is that H offered to evaluate my paper and help me get into SPH? (or that was how i read it). Well, of course after that the class got to laugh at a "grammatically incorrect, overly enthusiastic (!!)" email I sent her on behalf of the class to get a deadline extension. HAHA journalism classes are really the only thing that keeps me going nowadays.

Love and other impossible pursuits.

You know how that famous English Patient quote goes?

"I believe this. When we meet those we fall in love with, there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant who reminisces or remembers a meeting when the other has passed by innocently…but all parts of the body must be ready for the other, all atoms must jump in one direction for desire to occur."

I've always imagined love (there is just no substitute for the word love) to be exactly like this. It recalibrates your entire system, from your heartbeat right down to your fingertips. Well, I imagined. But alas, the truth is, its better than that. Stronger, richer, and even more uncontrollable. So we have the highs, but we can never escape the lows.

Perhaps this is the very irony of life, the balance of it too, the yin & yang.

But as with this beautiful relationship I see an end (hopefully I'm wrong) of another important aspect of my life - friends. I feel people drifting away from me, taking on shapes and forms that I could have taken if I were still single. Time allocated for my atoms to jump at a love one proves to be bringing down other aspects of my life. And I wonder, friends at different stages of life, should we not get together and celebrate the diversity of our differences instead? Have I been neglecting that aspect?

But as we grew older, we all grew impatient (at least I did, and regretted). Stories that use to enrich your lives seems to no longer be the case. Everyone fights for the microphone, everyone fights to broadcast, and I wonder - so who's listening now? And yet when it got around to the most important conversations, those that require guts and risk, the microphone sits plugged in and untouched. Why do we not say the things that matter most to us? because we are afraid? because we dont want to gloat? or are we simply afraid of hurting one another?

Excited conversations have been reduced to one-liner messages, a bunch of missed calls (and unreturned calls too) and a bag of emotions put aside, waiting for their opportunity to see light. Meetings, once spontaneous, are now but a wait to get into schedule books. Now I play back the tapes of recorded stories from long ago, repeated stories of our lives and gossips, hoping to one day catch a "live" show again.

I sit amidst my unfinished research papers (yes, I know school works seems like a convenient excuse but it is valid), analysing why this open wound of friendship doesnt heal.

Guys, I miss you.

Need for warmth.

Finger tips that yearn to graze on the skin of another. Hands that only remember the warm fleshy palm of another. linked arms, coincidental linking of thoughts. Sitting side by side, shoulder to shoulder, linking worlds, connecting hearts. What exactly is this need for warmth? and Why does the search never seem to end?

3 Big "O"s.

Not even orgasm mind you. But has it boiled down to this?

Outwit, Outdo, Outperform.

Really, the pathetically competitive stage of things.

Happy Pill x1

Dear Happy Pill,
Perhaps you really did know how important those pearl earrings were to me. Your unexplained alternation between being charming, attentive, sensitive and oblivious makes me crave for more, all the time.

The end of an era.

In a matter of 7 days I had to experience a mix and mash of the highest disappointment and somehow garner the greatest "academic" achievement.

I was so sure I could deal with you, to think I spent the last 2 years preparing to meet you, to conquer you, speaking casually about you as if I've already hit bulls eye. So maybe this was THE GREAT PRETENSE, I never did know you. But maybe you just gotta take a hit in life every now and then. Painful ego-crushing experience, but we all gotta fall. Comparing to last week's good news, you were right at the other end of the spectrum. Painful but true.

our favourite conclusions

At the end of the day, I can always hear these words ringing in my ears: "You gotta know what you want."

Like a good lead that follows through an entire article, a good mantra can follow you for the rest of your life, it is the justification of why you are doing what you are doing. Because you want it, it gives you the license to pursue something or rather, anything, with blind faith and passion.

"At the end of the day, you gotta know what you want."
One of your most impactful sentences, one of our favourite conclusions.

On (almost) blind loyalty.

It occurred to me how loyal women (or maybe just me?) can be.

On the way back home from school, after being freed to torturous assignments for one night only, i dedicated time to reflecting on relationships. I realised that I have, sadly, grown quite blind to the opposite sex around me. I no longer crave new encounters (maybe just the conversations), but im no longer out there to dig for stories, to actively engage. Perhaps you see this as a sign of laziness on my part. But it could be the fact that I'm just sucked into something bigger right now.

I think about the boys I thought I've loved, only to ask myself "did I truly like them?", "why did I like them?", "what did I do for them/or they for me to make me think that I like them?". Senseless even childish questions surfaced, most of them received a less-than-worthy answer. "Perhaps I never did show any loyalty to them, not even brain time".

So my current mentality and unconscious actions must be a sign of loyalty.
Once labelled as the "invader" of my thoughts, he has been somehow crowned the "king" of my heart. Unknowingly, unanimously. Even I feel betrayed by my own decision and judgement.

I no longer give brown-shoe boys the same attention I always have given them, no longer eye the smart dressers with intensity, have given up ever finding a boy with king-kong-like facial hair, kill off conversations with strangers instead of continuing them and keep eye contact with strangers at a minimal (still cant help but throw in a smile every now and then). Oh yes, I feel so betrayed by my own loyalty towards this unknown new force that surrounds me.

Well, im not agreeable with my own doings but who can fault blind loyalty?

Guess the only way to feel better to to take time to go out there and do some social survey. Know that blind loyalty is everywhere.

The way I see it...

The idea of being together with someone, operating as an informal entity, is insane.

Insane in its complexities, the compromise (hardly visible at this point of time), the look of wonder in their eyes - and you wish the world can cease to exist. Let you fall through the darkness on, and on, and on. Tell me, isn't this completely absurd, irrationally composed, insanely dangerous and yet at the same time wonderfully exciting?

Sometimes I remove myself from the equation and stare at the bubble we've formed around us. I find it ridiculous. And yet I have no answer for wanting to go on with this. Maybe its just the spirit of youth, maybe the essence of life or perhaps I have simply gone mad.

TWOSOS

Having been deprived of any local Theatre related acts for 2-3 years (money spent on concerts and too much beer), I finally jumped back into the scene with IH's Weight of the silk...

The monologue painted enough pictures, and IH was at his usual best I felt (nvm that there are disagreements on this one). The way a men chooses his wardrobe was liken to his character, a simple observation blown into 90 minutes of visual pleasure. Yes, I love plays despite not being able to grasp 100% of it. A twist of fate, led to me winning a pair of tickets to EQUUS tonight. It isnt too bad a way to spend a public holiday I reckon.

I've hardly gone on a verbal diarrhea since heading back from the US. Half a year has changed more than my point of view(s), it has definitely charged my energy to tackle final year project and savour good ole friendships with more enthusiasm.

Other than the usual coffee talk I've been having with many friends from my secondary school/Poly, there is definitely a sense of renewal in all my relationships. It takes one meeting to know that we are all on a whole new level.

One of the memorable ones was 4 to 5 hours of chatting over dinner and in the car. Chilling in a quiet spot and catching up (me catching up more of..) of each others life. We have all grown up so fast and so steadily. Everyone rushing, heading towards a direction. We are not merely letting time push us forward, we are running forward, regardless the direction is clear or not (which is not a bad thing the way I see it). Work, study, relationships, all the big categories in our lives that once seem so distant is now "materialising" right before my eyes.

Sending chong off for her 3-month work trip to HK did bring about many new epiphanies so to speak. Im insanely excited for her, and glad that she's heading out (yes, another one of us moving forward ya-dah ya-dah) and i realise too that we can only embrace what the future have for us (as did she, and enjoying it may I add), and over-planning might not really be the way. Its not something I can give up definitely thou.

gosh, I wonder what the rest of the year has in-stored for everyone around me.

For the love of National Day.

Having previously "celebrated" NDP by going to the preview 5 weeks ago, today was spent conquering the MacRitchie trail. 3.5 hours drenched in sweat, with that added Kodomo dragon - was truly yet another adventure. It's funny how the most horrible things can turn into beautiful "rites of passage" with the right company.

resistance is futile.

Your callused fingers.

Maybe there was some magic in the capilano wishing well afterall.

Putting things in perspective.

If this doesn't work out, I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to get out of it. If I have to, I'll crawl out of this.

Things have been going downhill for awhile and it's time I pull my socks up and make some real decisions and stay in control. I admit, I was losing control, letting all these unknown forces shape my decisions, these emotions throw me off-course and now I've truly had enough. Time to shape up!