Maybe there was some magic in the capilano wishing well afterall.

Putting things in perspective.

If this doesn't work out, I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to get out of it. If I have to, I'll crawl out of this.

Things have been going downhill for awhile and it's time I pull my socks up and make some real decisions and stay in control. I admit, I was losing control, letting all these unknown forces shape my decisions, these emotions throw me off-course and now I've truly had enough. Time to shape up!

Salvage beauty @ MET.

Well, at least I managed to chance upon the Alexander McQueen Exhibition that was a total senses revolution @ MET in New York. No regrets there, not even the 30-minute queue. No dinosaur bones or native american depictions of life from the Museum of Natural History but I could settle for fashion I guess.

Resolute.

Maybe I am not resolute enough, to want something, to make something work. I bend too easily to the forces of the universe (are we talking about god? THAT, I certainly am unsure about), I accommodate too readily to the calls of the wind, slither too comfortably into the hands of the great unknown and dance too fondly towards something different from what I am, an opposition force, but not a political one definitely.

I've always thought I made firm decisions, but the case of GOFAR has left me tortured and broken. I had it, and I felt like I gave it away too readily, despite the fact that bile juice was pouring out of my mouth and I hardly have time to think about it. I have NEVER felt unsure about something, I throw balls in hopes of them going through the hoops, not circling the damn hoop and finally falling out on the wrong side. With GOFAR I was SO SURE I HAD TO TAKE THE DAMN TRIP, my head said YES, my head battled against my heart, and the universe said I could claim my prize. And THIS had to happen, I had to go against every thing I fought for and give it away. Yes, maybe the trip would take a toll on my body, but certainly willpower can stop me from physically crumpling? well, maybe not.

6 months in Seattle, if for nothing taught me one important fact about myself, that sooner or later I have to face my own demons, and they are usually the scariest.I keep treading forward in my life in hopes of losing them along the way, but they usually catch up. An emotional baggage, a thought, a memory, an unfulfilled aim - little things that do their best to put me down, to make me waver, to keep me even further from being resolute. But well, perhaps the saying is really right, that the only easy day was yesterday. Keep treading along keep treading along.

NYC tried to kill me, I ran.

I am not invincible afterall.

The further I run away from these old scars, the sooner they resurface, and the harder they bite. Well at least I have a story left behind in New York City.

Dear Seattle...

Thank you for teaching me how to have ice-cream for dinner.

In Between Time Ephiphanies.

In between sorting out the evolution of Homo Sapiens and Neaderthals, hopping through the grand cathedrals of Rome, the temples of Greece and the beautiful open spaces of Venice, finding defenses for plaintiffs sued for false advertising and working on Crisis presentation conference for NYC, it occurred to me that this could be easy.

Easy to leave behind.

Balance

They say dreams are the opposite of reality.

In Vancouver I was woken up by two dreams. The first saw us getting what we wanted from each other, we worked out. It was perfect. But as with everything perfect, I questioned the authenticity of it, so much that I woke up.

Going back to sleep about 15 minutes later, I dreamt about the worst case scenario. Perhaps abandonment was the theme, I can't remember if I hated you because of what you did to me, but it was just a pretty nasty dream. It was the opposite of what I wanted.

and so, the universe has left me with no answers and my sub consciousness has balanced things out for me. For now there is nothing to be done but to enjoy the last week in seattle. Perhaps the bright lights of New York will show me how to work this.

Of logic, reason and whales.

And finally, whales came into the picture as I enter the final month of my stay in America. Well, maybe a little more than whales. The excitement has yet to wear off, in fact it leaves a tangy yet warm feeling in my heart - I will always have a soft spot for Friday Harbour, for San Juan Island.

But more than visual sightings, the 6 hour to and fro trip gave me a mental sighting into my own head. From the most logical depths of my head, I realised that we shall and maybe can only remain friends. I hate that word, I hate to use it for the both of us.

Every moment I try to convince my illogical self of this concept, I feel that I am throwing another dagger into my chest. Dagger after dagger after dagger.

Sleepless nights with no peace in sight until I reach the shores of Singapore. But that, I can live with. What does my return to Singapore signals?

And suddenly I dont wanna go home anymore.

Unfinished.

Im not going to tear your heart out to make stew. Strangely, Im calm and composed, I thought it would be worst. But you did your best by prepping me for this. Just remember, with me you were able to make this all about you, with other girls, maybe not so lucky. Don't fault my trip, don't let your impatience get away Scot-free.

SPRING

All the best moments of my trips (so far) caught on film.

Polite exchanges.

Holding my favourite winter melon tea and drinking it with much intensity. Suddenly I can't shake off the goosebumps. Of how you sent this all the way from home, of how you seem to have stopped trying. And how you now seem so distant. Our topics have gone from everything and gradually dwindled down to almost nothing. Polite exchanges, mostly talk about dates dates and dates, when will you be back, when will I be back. And now im so afraid that when we meet we would have to realise that we've lost all that chemistry. I don't want that, really.

Future tense.

I think it is finally clear that these couple of months in Seattle was more than just thinking about friends, emotions and relationships. I did so much more soul-searching here than I ever did since 2008. Life has been a mad rush since I finished that first internship. And I ask myself, three internships and many long trips later, just exactly what is most important to me now? What do I truly want?

Friends in Singapore would know I fight a war with my future self, constantly.
Friends here have pointed out that I seem to belong in the future, I rush, I panic, I plan.

Somehow, I always devise ways to sneak into the future while being here.

And this is despite the fact that I have CONSCIOUSLY not PLAN, not THINK and just LIVE. Someone let slip that maybe I should be be 'uptight' about so many things, but I cant help it, I enjoy it. It doesnt make life dreadful for me, it makes life normal. I like the rush, I like the future, but I KNOW and REALISE that I am living in the present (although to many it feels as if Im not).

Since back in the last days of poly, everything I have been doing (and enjoying) is always best explained as "for the future", "contribute to the future", "great for a future". That is not perhaps the best explanation for doing something, because it seems to lack Passion, but I grow a passion for everything Im doing for the Future. Maybe be one day I will look back and regret, but as of now, im enjoying every moment that I have worked hard for.

Without the grades, would I have been in Seattle?
Without those internships, would I be going for GOFAR?

Doubt so.

Im just paving the way for myself, and investing alot of time in myself. Nothing is absolute except the fact that I have a say in where I'm going.

and so what do I truly want? I think Im still searching for the answer.

(I believe more "revelation" posts will be up cause as the end of the trip approaches, I have kinda come to conclusion about certain things.)

Give it to me Seattle.

And for the Singaporeans who have been reaching out to me despite the distance:
Chua - for constantly telling me "you'll be home soon."
K - your long emails, your analysis.
Chong - being there 24/7
G Ng - forever my frog princess.
Ms Leow - for being the kopi buddy, and that email.

Don't fault the distance, fault the heart.

Why do you fault me for not being there, then can I too, fault you for not being here?
I am not unreasonable, and I know neither are you. We knew the type of circumstances we were getting ourselves into, since day 1 (well, not meeting in in the lift, but rather just over lunch) I told you. I took out my thickest black markers, and drew the clearest boundaries.

You were the one who disregard everything I've laid out as a disclaimer.

This soft spot you have for me, will it last, won't it last, and what does it mean? You can have a soft spot for a puppy too you know. I'm not a stray puppy, I don't need your love, I want it.

You know you have been terrible in laying out certain statements that left me dumbfounded. Did you regret it? Will you regret it? Your method of repentance cannot strike a chord with me. With you, I can find a hundred and one ways to victimised myself, just so to have you chained to me, maybe out of guilt, maybe, just a tranquilizer to keep you with me. But why would I do that?

I don't want to victimize myself, I dont want to scare you, to find rebuttals, to force you to see things the way I do. My stance is clear, if Im in this, my role is to alternate between jabbing you, and compromise, you know it too. In fact you know that is the only role anyone can take if they want to be with you. Don't make me tell you how selfish you have been, not now anyway.

I sense your frustrations, and I sense your desire not to talk. We know small talk doesnt work for us. We've tried it, we know it. We tug at each other's heartstrings with such intensity that we can want nothing less from each other.

Maybe this is me "musing", but you know this is the truth. This is the truth I can't say in your face, this is the truth you've been telling me. Hard to accept, hard to listen, hard to digest. I still question, myself more than you. How we managed to be bounded by all these loathsome emotional ties, now that we are apart. How did it seem so beautiful initially?

Don't pull yourself away. Once I sense your distance, your hesitation and your reluctance, I will retreat faster than you can say "leave". Don't try this with me, because I will never be able to come back the same. Keep me with you, you know how to.


Lastly, Don't fault the distance, fault the heart.

You make the decision, you wear the pants, you take what you can.
Because you know you have succeeded, mildly.
Drive me crazy and happy, keep me battered and torn.
You do what you need to because my opinion doesnt matter.

So I do what I can, play my music really loud.
Fill my ears with noise, fill my head with nonsense and hide my heart.

Thank You.

Clues.

Was that the nicest way you could tell me "you're too young for me"?
What do you want, exactly?
Are these clues you are dropping? are they pointing to our likely conclusion?
I'm sick with fear, disgust and hollowness.
This is not the way you are allowed to treat my heart.
Because I deserve better, and I still think you are that better.

MAY - Week 1 at a glance.

The sun has decided to make friends with me, now now I can gleefully (yes, in a singsong voice) say I am wearing a little lesser and feeling a little less bulky (twice-weekly kickboxing classes help too).



Seattle's famous Space needle in the background, look hard enough and you might spot ET. LOL


As Lovers go.


As Mustaches go.


Likely to be my first photo in a series to come that sees me without a big bulk jacket!


The Sun sets at 8pm, no kidding. Hanging around on the Burke-Gilman Trail and singing songs that remind us of home.


Being plague by the horrors of the heart.



Via Lelove, iheartthis, fffound etc.


and yes, looking happy. Just part and parcel of life isnt it?

Being away from home can be so simple, and yet so hard all at once.
May I also point out that I wish I had someone with me now too, and that you are not the only one in need of a "someone" in you life right now.

really?

So for every poor person you meet, you are going to cry infront of them? Perhaps they need change, perhaps they need help, but one thing they dont need is your pity or tears.

Catching up on rally videos online as if I am really going to be voting tomorrow. It pains me, it disgusts me, it angers me and sometimes, it comforts me. I have realised that while I have no strong alliance with any party, not the incumbent, not the opposition, PM Lee comforts me, his tone, his content and his struggles. SM Goh reminds me of my grandfather, had he had spoken as much english, the mannerisms, the fatherly tone, the urge in his voice that was no where near desperate, but full of assertiveness. But these are not clear markers, or are they not?

My vote will lie with whoever that can address the three top issues Education, Elderly care (or just healthcare) and the Sandwich class, to my liking. Education - as my younger brother has YEARS to go, how will it work out for him, for us? Elderly care - my parents, enough said. And the sandwich class - bridging whatever gaps that appear, making it easy to start a home in Singapore. Being in America for 5 months have opened up my eyes to these issues even more. We are at the forefront of it all, but how do we not fall behind?

Regardless the case, I can only speak from a corner of Seattle and watch as the drama unfolds. Watch as Singaporeans (and majority of my peers) make a choice, and hopefully a right one. Lets shed the image of the apathetic generation Y, let's figure this out. And let's not be deceived by the unneeded bashing, tears and other PR tactics.

It is, about convincing and convictions afterall.

Five months later - How do you say goodbye?

I almost feel like I have a split personality disorder.
Half of me is wondering "just how good can life get?"
I smile endlessly, people catch me smiling endlessly, in Seattle, online, everywhere.
With everything that's happening around me, with all the experiences, with even Margie from Hong Kong visiting, how good can it really get?


and there is another half who is constantly in the dark, in grief, in chosen solitude.
Moments in the shower, on the way home, that huge black hole only seems to be growing bigger.

I would think that it should have healed, but looks like time is not doing its job yet. Over Skype with mum last week, I decided to bring up the topic - "Why am I still reeling from loss?"

And it turns out that im not the only one, mum and grandma still dreams of grandpa too.
I think about the space beside grandma left empty with grandpa's departure, I think about the songs he use to sing to me, I think about how he used to fetch me home from school, the scent of his cigarettes, the taste of his french toast, his husky voice telling me a story from long ago, his coffee sock, his white singlet, and most of all, his hands. His hands that once held mine, the hands that grew wrinkled and withered away. The hands I failed to hold one last time before they nailed the coffin. The hands that shaped the lives of everyone I love so dearly. He was my grandpa, he was my grandma's husband, he was ours.

Time and time again, I tell myself that urge to cry was because of pms, of eye irritation, of the cold wind, of something. But I cannot run away from the fact that I cannot fight these tears that have been lingering for the last 5 months. At any given moment, the thought of grandpa drives me mad with grieve. The images are so vivid, the degeneration of a healthy man, reduced to a bag of bones. How can I come to terms with this, the fact that I will never see my grandpa alive again. Did everyone else saw it the way I did? Did everyone remember how it was like to have had a loving grandfather? A grandfather who went out of his way to pick me up from school, to cook spinach the way I liked it, the grandfather who got frustrated with me when I interrupted his story telling sessions, who loved me enough, just enough, for it to hurt so much even after 5 months.


and I think about how everything about him is now written in past tense.