Idea: bacon pancakes!

Birdman!

Rough week.

My dream job came with a dream team, but job wise, sad to say, I've put nothing I've learnt in the last 7 years (media-wise) into it.

I've only just celebrated my second month with the company and already, I feel like I've been doing it for years. The work is never ending and while I love it, I do question the value of it.

How transferable?
Will I ever be able to bring this back into media or corp Comms? (yes, I still love media work)

My weekday routine takes quite abit out of me and weekends I end up just lazing around.

On a decent day, I leave the office at 7.30pm, grab dinner and reach home two hours later at 9.30pm. Most of the time I take a break before starting on second round, at 11pm. I read emails and prepare for meetings, and end the night (if I'm lucky) before 12. For the kick of it, I always tell my friends I sleep at 10.30pm, in truth, that means I stop whatsapping and read up my work stuff for the second day. No, sleep doesn't come to me at 10.30pm unfortunately.

In the morning my day starts at 5.30am. The travelling and preparation will see me reach office at 8.15am. The cycle repeats.

I start to wonder if I have a time management problem? Or if I'm really overloaded.

It's hard to really say. Meanwhile, let's wait a couple of months and see if I pass my probation.

Yes ticket, I'm waiting for you.

Attitude.

Instead of being angry, I've changed my attitude and taken a softer approach to things.

It does help that communication has progressively changed for the better, and he is shaping up.

Being with him is still beautiful, just difficult, because of the distance. But being a difficult girlfriend just because the circumstances are changed, isn't the best for us. Or so I've realised in the last 3 months.

So, may this get easier.

幸福了 然后呢?

彻夜难眠 是谁变了
我流泪愤怒和尖锐 是因为忐忑
你不能理所当然了你的资格
我需要更多安全感才能平衡

黑暗中沉睡着是你的轮廓
却碰不到你的灵魂
这一张小小的双人床让我迷路了

- A-Lin

Valentines day 2012.

I got flowers, an expensive bunch of flowers. Yet, my heart bleeds.

As X works towards being the perfect bf, and I work backwards on being the perfect girlfriend, we've tripped and fallen so many times. I know he is trying his best, and I enjoy being with him, just not as excited as the initial phase.

X moved off after dinner due to an engagement and I took a lone cab right home. I hugged my bouquet of flower, and felt insanely alone.

An email.

I'm just wondering if I'm holding on to prove smtg to myself.

Anything.

I would do anything for you, would you do the same for me?

Affirmation.

I feel that every night I've reached a new high with my tolerance of your behaviour. You, and you alone, help so much in affirming my decision. Thank you, I must add. I can already smell freedom from where I am at.

Can't wait to get this over and done with.

Lousy HR.

HR are the ambassadors of the organisation. Yet, it's amazing how lousy they can get.

Changing the individual in-charge of my case, delaying the start of my work, piece meal bits of info and leaving me hanging.

My angst level is at its highest ever.

One and a half years ago...

I sat beside you, feeling that nothing in the world could ever feel this right. We belong together, cheesy but true.

Yet today, I can no longer bring myself to talk to you. Every word that comes out of my mouth serves to piss you off, even though within me, I'm drowning in my own excessive love for you.

I wonder, what's happening?

Isn't it right

@loversdiction: ecosystem, n.: We live off of the love, and the love lives off of us. There is no hierarchy here, only symbiosis.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Sometimes your knight in Shining armor is just an idiot in tin foil.

One of those yearly reviews.

2012, a year I can hardly describe with words. It was a year with countless disappointments, transitions and interviews.

Career search. I must have gone for at least 8 interviews? The first wave in march, the second wave in October/November. After awhile, meeting a group of strangers and chatting to them becomes so natural. I got my first offer in October, put it on hold, another one in November, December and in January. All of the offers I thought long and hard about and in the end, I followed my heart and took one which I truly felt excited for. The package is not fantastic, but the job is. Case closed for job hunt, at least for now.

Trips. I travelled four times this year, of which three was with Mr x, and one with my family. I enjoyed every one of them, except the last one in which I looked for mr x in some freezing cold developing country. Taipei with my family was mad fun, and ended with a big bang with my sore eye.

On my last trip to look for mr x, I endured the torturous transits and leaped into his arms. After all, in that cold weather he was the only warmth I had. Yet...I'm not sure, it seems that the weather kept his heart cold, and I wasn't able to thaw it even with my sunny singapore vibes. I spent Xmas in Beijing (a 2nd, since couple years back I did it with my family) and decorated X's place. It brought back some warmth, but that too was only momentarily. I can't help but wonder what else I could do to thaw his heart, and if whatever I do could really make a difference anyway.

Health. My body was not very cooperative in 2012. I had constant headaches (cured by coffee), eye problems and gastric problems, which all exploded and got worst towards the end of the year.

Education. I finally bid good bye to education and am now eagerly awaiting my certificate. I graduated with an expected grade but supplemented with my internships, doors did open for me. My final year big bang project did well for me, and that has led to, hopefully a career. To my academic parents, I am grateful, thank you prof p and prof l.

Colleagues and mentorship. It took me a long time to warm up to them, and when I did, I received lessons that I know I'll keep in my head for a long time. I'll take those lessons to my next job and hopefully do well. It started really painful, but it ended pretty sweet.

Best friends. X's departure saw me rebuilding my best friend-ships. I turned to many of them so much more, and they offered an insane amount of support and love through some of my darkest days. Thank you for listening my lady loves.

I'm sure this is going to be just one of those reviews. Many more will come in the next few days. Thoughts are swirling in my head, I have so much I want to pour out to document those months I have lived.

Post-Beijing

“I feel you retreating from me and make a grab to hold you to me, but my hand only comes back with sand.”

And the boy(s).

Sometimes the words escape me, and occasionally a song comes along and sums up everything I feel in a verse or two.

"It's been days now and you've change your mind again. It feels like years now, and I can tell how time has bend your ideas.// and the boys go on and on and on and on again, And there's gold falling from the ceiling of this world, falling from the heartbeat of this girl."

Some kind of philosophy.

After an insanely unhappy day at work, where I obviously gave so much and got so little in return, I stood in the shower and reflected.

This came to me: "work hard, live harder".

Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder.Workhardliveharder

I chanted this five times in the shower and felt that the next step was just about living up to it.

I've worked hard, no doubts about it. No one sees it, no doubt about it. I'll keep at it, definitely. Next step, live hard. Play hard, party hard.

Be less concern about what they think about me. Shake it out, shake it up, live it out!

And so, this is building resilience. This is transforming angry tears into a reminder. A reminder to live a hard as my youth will take me and leave the old hags to their game of hide-and-seek.

Fathom

I cannot fathom life without Mr X, it's possible, just incredibly difficult.

Sometimes I wish he knew why I choose to run away from talking about our future. It feels like once we talk about it we are on a countdown till the end.That's why I constantly play hide and seek.

Bestfriends, version 2

They don't truly leave you :)

Friendship takes a lot of courage too, never knew that till couple of days ago. The results are just spectacular.

After countless sleepless nights I took a leap of faith, the passage was rocky but I had a safe landing.

To many more jumps like this one in our friendship.

On repeat.

Sometimes I make the same mistakes over and over again, and I don't understand why I make them either.

But for your case, I think it was a case of priority, you put yourself ahead of everything else. Time and time again we repeat the same argument and to frank, it's getting kind of boring and irritating to me. I don't teach common sense, I can't be teaching you how to act your age, or to act as a proper person all the time.

And I've decided too, I can't be always that forgiving. Second chances after second chances I've realised that instead of learning from your mistakes, the second chances have affirmed your decisions to push boundaries and leave me to fend for myself.

One day a little bird flew by and dropped me a message. It said this isn't what I'm looking for. I concur.

Best friends

Sometimes you try your best but in the end it's all about letting go.

On departures

I'm holding you close and tight in preparation of your departure. In due time you'll be as free as a bird, but please don't forget the girl you left behind in Singapore.

Inbetween

We are heading to China in about 5 hours, an unofficial grad trip and a good opportunity to see how well we hang together.

Back during our trip to Hong Kong my over-independence showed when I decided to venture off to grab my last minute shopping leaving him to watch TV back in the hotel (I thought he would prefer that but I was wrong..) and again in the morning I went off for breakfast without him as he looked so tired, and I needed to deal with my growling stomach (again, he preferred company to sleep so I was wrong again).

Well, in between HK and this trip I can safely say that I've accomplished quite abit in my academic pursuits. For one, I'm over and done with the Final Year Project (FYP), a 9-month long research on crisis Management. Crisis Communication has brought me far, or so I hope, from the conference in New York, presentation in Miami, meeting X out of that class,   FYP friends and maxing out my read-O-meter for journals.

Internship will start officially in June, that's when I can dump my school gear and slip back into my corporate skirts, 6am alarms and media monitoring.  The last part is tricky, sometimes I still can't believe that I am going to be doing media monitoring (AGAIN) in my 4th internship.

Dumping reality, I jump back into X. So we've been together for 10 months and I found the perfect description for the whole idea of us. I guess reading does take you to place, and for me, it was like time travelling.

Back to the first date, back to how I refuse to tell anyone I was dating this guy for fear of jinxing it.

 

Somethings never change, he will always be that elusive jackass who refuse to have a picture taken. It's fine by me.

"If you want a boyfriend to brag about, it's not gonna be me," he said in an ultra serious tone one evening. I laughed. Things I love about him, so god damn private. And in strange way this privacy keeps me very safe.

and so, onward to China!

Imagine me and you, and you and me...

no matter how we throw the dice, it had to be.

And here's Easter's little surprises:

Reincarnation

X: if there's a next life, I want to be a guy.
Me: ok...i still want to be a woman in my next life.
X: then we'll have to be together.

Cheers to those 15-second conversations that head nowhere.

Like Blood

, the disappointment flows through my entire system.

A strong dull energy engulfs my senses.
Over on the other side she must have laughed, or even mocked my comprehension of the question.

I can't let go because it was the simplest question I had to tackle, the first step, and I failed at it. This is the most unwilling defeat, in my entire life.

I simply can't sleep.
Everytime I close my eyes, the silliness of my own voice floats back into my ears. And I can see it so clearly, everything I've done for the last couple of years had easily prepared me for the job. "How are you different?" she asked. Yet, I gave her the lamest answer, and I despise myself for that.

We don't get second chances, at least not here in my world.

Someone you use to know

Somewhere in Singapore, Ms Y tells someone about you. That in her eyes you were suave, stubborn, bad-tempered yet charming. She would tell them how you stole her heart and how you broke it too. She goes on and describes your three years together, army, night cycling, chocolate buffets, sunflowers and trips together. She made plans for you to be her one and only, a future together, a home, a flat to be specific, children and dogs even. You disappointed her.

You called her decent, you said communication had become obligatory towards the end and you said getting together with her could be said as "convenient".

.

Although sitting through stories of the ex-gf is painful, I am ever so grateful that you tell me about what's on your mind when it comes to her. Your friend S told you she made it to become the company's top performers. You said leaving you was perhaps what made this success happened for her. I sat quietly, stared out of the window and tucked my hands under my thigh. I was trying to take it as a normal conversation, and for you, it probably was. Somehow this grown-up world defined by money and success seems even further away from me. I bit my lip as I struggled not to encourage contact, at the back of my brain I was thinking "tell him to congratulate her", but my mouth only formed the words "...have you...congratulated her..?". You said you probably would, I kicked myself for asking. *mental note to self - Don't encourage contact.

What did you make of my silence in the car I wonder? Did you sense my silent rebellion? I doubt so, and you rattle on half in effort to fill the silence, half maybe to comfort me.

"S asked me if I regretted breaking up with her, I said No," you added. You said there comes a point in the relationship whereby couples meet each other because they have to, not because they want to. It was like that for you, with her. I looked at you, and all I could think of was that it must have been the novelty, it worn off for you. I quickly shook the thoughts out of my head.

I meekly and in an off-tangent manner said: "My heart still skips a beat when I meet you." You laughed, and for a moment the conversation ended.

Yes of course, insecurity is the root of this evil, but here I am as a student, dutifully spoilt by you monetarily till I got use to it, till I feel like I need to break away. I was living the life/the relationship you had in the days of Ms Y. Sometimes you tell me, for better or for worst, I am your karma, because I reminded you of the days you spent as a student.

At this point of time, I can only guess that the insecurity goes away as age catches up, as I transit into the next working dimension and as we prove to be able to weather storms together.

Until then, Ms Y and her stories, will stay as a little prick in my heart. A prick that digs deeper everytime I try to pull it out.

And so, I wish for Ms Y to be just someone you use to know.

A case of bad intuition

When I was 15, I remember meeting someone I strongly felt I was "destined" to be with. Funny thing is, we barely got started and we never worked out. Since then (a whopping 8 years) nothing ever felt like anything was "destined".

Fast forward to 2010, somewhere in October I agreed on a casual lunch with X. Funny how I remember it so vividly, air-conditioned school canteen, Japanese food VS Gong Bao chicken, my favourite blue pants and a pretty bad conversation on prawning. There was no instant chemistry (so unromantic), and I even remember praying "please don't let this dude have any funny ideas", since I was heading to the US 3 months later and for the first time was TOTALLY not in a romance-seeking mode. I proceeded to look at his phiten necklace (titanium ugly chain that supposedly relieves backaches?!?!) and immediately failed his sense of style (or lack of). Unknown to me, he was failing me in the style department too. HAHAHAHA Some kind of perfect symmetry.

Right there and then, my intuition told me this was yet another case of a "one-time offer". Therein lies the case of bad intuition, cause when I was dating the guys that did't work out my intuition kinda goes into shutdown mode and "i-don't-give-a-damn-not-gonna-churn-out-an-intuition-for-you-lauliangtong". Well, there was something there I guess.

Maybe I was quick to judge (as my besties always point out), terms like overbearing, egoistic, self-absorbed and even silly and transparent, were actually my first impression of X. MCP was an ideal description too (sorry!).

I never knew how he felt about that lunch, except that I had hideous pants and was super chatty. What led him to ask me out for another date, to want to see me again, to start texting me, that is pretty unclear to me.

Yet despite my initial assessment of him, I never quite said "no" to him the entire time we started something. Well, unless you count the time I turned down his offer of lunch after crisis class and not wanting to start anything prior to leaving for the US.

.....


Last night I sat beside him in the car, a long quiet drive out of Marina yacht club, and I re-lived those moments. How fast we've pass certain stages of a relationship, honeymoon (so definitely over though I honestly still kinda wish I get to see him for abit every other day), and now enter this phase where we constantly get to know each other better, sometimes for better, sometimes for worst. I often wonder what kind of couple we are.....

We hardly take pictures together, we fall into routines easily, hold hands like we can't do without it, constantly jab fun at each other, surprise each other, fight and makeup, makeup and fight, get bored and start a fight, laugh at stupid fights and vow never to go to sleep angry at each other...the list goes on. I do find that we are bad at being a public couple, taking pictures together is a rather awkward affair for us.

So, after all's said and done, I find it funny that my intuition about guys have never been accurate, and X is the best example yet.

I am...

dating an elusive jackass.

Safety.

I've long assumed safety with being at home, with my father/mother/brother/grandmother's hug, snuggling up in bed with my favourite book (essays in love by alain de botton) and my diary sitting under my pillow, drinking my mother's soup...

Lately I have found a new (hopefully not transient)kind of safety. There's this wave of warmness that surrounds me and its hard to resist. Arms that tell me "relax you're home", "we're going to make it through", "dont worry, there's nothing to be kan chiong about" - a touch that renders me....helpless.

22 years of my life, and this is the first time a stranger, with no blood ties, has warmed my heart with his brand of safety.

Dec 10, 2011

5 Months into a relationship, I decided to come clean.
No more skirting away from the issue.
No more pseudo-single status.
Just me and My own Mr X.
so, we decided that maybe Facebook can help to proliferate the message.

Perhaps I'm truly tired of the dating field, I DO love new friends and new conversations, but I don't want to pretend I enjoy a conversation that serves to bring me towards something romantic. One Singaporean guy is enough.

After countless brushes with various Mr X(es), throw in a spoonful of disappointments and a dash of heartbreak, it finally worked. Now I constantly remind myself of "death by complacency" and well, generally put quite abit of effort into this new "thing" of mine.

I realised - A relationship, like cooking, follows the same mantra (5 from my list of many HAHHAHAHAHA):

1) Need for Patience
2 months of courtship, 6 months of emailing/skype, another month of ambiguous dating.
Misunderstandings, fear and the idea of the future kept us apart.
But he was patient, I was patient. We had patience.

2) Overnight
As much as overnight food mostly taste bad (I do love braised pork left to simmer overnight but...), arguments should never be brought/kept "overnight".

3) Too many cooks spoil the broth
We need two people in a relationship, nothing more, nothing less. X kept his distance from the girls, and I guess I can only do the same.

4) Fresh Ingredients
Be it a pack of monopoly deal, a new hiking trail, new way of holding the same hands, new dishes at an old restaurant, revisiting places that matter...in a crude way, same shit different smell HAHAHAHA. But still, the beauty of innovation and reinventing.

5) Secret Ingredient
Keep a part of yourself safely stored away, and share absolutely everything else with X.


and so, I continue on this new journey. Carefree and happy.
Ever-ready.

Death by overpromising.

and by skipping gatherings, being busy with school, bad memory for dates and wanting too much me-time. Im fast turning into a figure of solitude, a tower of unreliability, and generally friendless at the way things are going.

when the going gets tough

the tough listens to Yamagata.

I know what is breaking point.
When laughter blends swiftly into angst and then confusion. I go back to comforts like Yamagata's old albums to get me through the night. They help me stare at my projects/endless essays in wide-eye wonder. "So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right. Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night."

Occasionally, I do wish for comfort that is more substantial. Soothing words, but these things rarely come about at the right time.

well, the silver lining of the day is that H offered to evaluate my paper and help me get into SPH? (or that was how i read it). Well, of course after that the class got to laugh at a "grammatically incorrect, overly enthusiastic (!!)" email I sent her on behalf of the class to get a deadline extension. HAHA journalism classes are really the only thing that keeps me going nowadays.

Love and other impossible pursuits.

You know how that famous English Patient quote goes?

"I believe this. When we meet those we fall in love with, there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant who reminisces or remembers a meeting when the other has passed by innocently…but all parts of the body must be ready for the other, all atoms must jump in one direction for desire to occur."

I've always imagined love (there is just no substitute for the word love) to be exactly like this. It recalibrates your entire system, from your heartbeat right down to your fingertips. Well, I imagined. But alas, the truth is, its better than that. Stronger, richer, and even more uncontrollable. So we have the highs, but we can never escape the lows.

Perhaps this is the very irony of life, the balance of it too, the yin & yang.

But as with this beautiful relationship I see an end (hopefully I'm wrong) of another important aspect of my life - friends. I feel people drifting away from me, taking on shapes and forms that I could have taken if I were still single. Time allocated for my atoms to jump at a love one proves to be bringing down other aspects of my life. And I wonder, friends at different stages of life, should we not get together and celebrate the diversity of our differences instead? Have I been neglecting that aspect?

But as we grew older, we all grew impatient (at least I did, and regretted). Stories that use to enrich your lives seems to no longer be the case. Everyone fights for the microphone, everyone fights to broadcast, and I wonder - so who's listening now? And yet when it got around to the most important conversations, those that require guts and risk, the microphone sits plugged in and untouched. Why do we not say the things that matter most to us? because we are afraid? because we dont want to gloat? or are we simply afraid of hurting one another?

Excited conversations have been reduced to one-liner messages, a bunch of missed calls (and unreturned calls too) and a bag of emotions put aside, waiting for their opportunity to see light. Meetings, once spontaneous, are now but a wait to get into schedule books. Now I play back the tapes of recorded stories from long ago, repeated stories of our lives and gossips, hoping to one day catch a "live" show again.

I sit amidst my unfinished research papers (yes, I know school works seems like a convenient excuse but it is valid), analysing why this open wound of friendship doesnt heal.

Guys, I miss you.

Need for warmth.

Finger tips that yearn to graze on the skin of another. Hands that only remember the warm fleshy palm of another. linked arms, coincidental linking of thoughts. Sitting side by side, shoulder to shoulder, linking worlds, connecting hearts. What exactly is this need for warmth? and Why does the search never seem to end?

3 Big "O"s.

Not even orgasm mind you. But has it boiled down to this?

Outwit, Outdo, Outperform.

Really, the pathetically competitive stage of things.

Happy Pill x1

Dear Happy Pill,
Perhaps you really did know how important those pearl earrings were to me. Your unexplained alternation between being charming, attentive, sensitive and oblivious makes me crave for more, all the time.

The end of an era.

In a matter of 7 days I had to experience a mix and mash of the highest disappointment and somehow garner the greatest "academic" achievement.

I was so sure I could deal with you, to think I spent the last 2 years preparing to meet you, to conquer you, speaking casually about you as if I've already hit bulls eye. So maybe this was THE GREAT PRETENSE, I never did know you. But maybe you just gotta take a hit in life every now and then. Painful ego-crushing experience, but we all gotta fall. Comparing to last week's good news, you were right at the other end of the spectrum. Painful but true.

our favourite conclusions

At the end of the day, I can always hear these words ringing in my ears: "You gotta know what you want."

Like a good lead that follows through an entire article, a good mantra can follow you for the rest of your life, it is the justification of why you are doing what you are doing. Because you want it, it gives you the license to pursue something or rather, anything, with blind faith and passion.

"At the end of the day, you gotta know what you want."
One of your most impactful sentences, one of our favourite conclusions.

On (almost) blind loyalty.

It occurred to me how loyal women (or maybe just me?) can be.

On the way back home from school, after being freed to torturous assignments for one night only, i dedicated time to reflecting on relationships. I realised that I have, sadly, grown quite blind to the opposite sex around me. I no longer crave new encounters (maybe just the conversations), but im no longer out there to dig for stories, to actively engage. Perhaps you see this as a sign of laziness on my part. But it could be the fact that I'm just sucked into something bigger right now.

I think about the boys I thought I've loved, only to ask myself "did I truly like them?", "why did I like them?", "what did I do for them/or they for me to make me think that I like them?". Senseless even childish questions surfaced, most of them received a less-than-worthy answer. "Perhaps I never did show any loyalty to them, not even brain time".

So my current mentality and unconscious actions must be a sign of loyalty.
Once labelled as the "invader" of my thoughts, he has been somehow crowned the "king" of my heart. Unknowingly, unanimously. Even I feel betrayed by my own decision and judgement.

I no longer give brown-shoe boys the same attention I always have given them, no longer eye the smart dressers with intensity, have given up ever finding a boy with king-kong-like facial hair, kill off conversations with strangers instead of continuing them and keep eye contact with strangers at a minimal (still cant help but throw in a smile every now and then). Oh yes, I feel so betrayed by my own loyalty towards this unknown new force that surrounds me.

Well, im not agreeable with my own doings but who can fault blind loyalty?

Guess the only way to feel better to to take time to go out there and do some social survey. Know that blind loyalty is everywhere.

The way I see it...

The idea of being together with someone, operating as an informal entity, is insane.

Insane in its complexities, the compromise (hardly visible at this point of time), the look of wonder in their eyes - and you wish the world can cease to exist. Let you fall through the darkness on, and on, and on. Tell me, isn't this completely absurd, irrationally composed, insanely dangerous and yet at the same time wonderfully exciting?

Sometimes I remove myself from the equation and stare at the bubble we've formed around us. I find it ridiculous. And yet I have no answer for wanting to go on with this. Maybe its just the spirit of youth, maybe the essence of life or perhaps I have simply gone mad.

TWOSOS

Having been deprived of any local Theatre related acts for 2-3 years (money spent on concerts and too much beer), I finally jumped back into the scene with IH's Weight of the silk...

The monologue painted enough pictures, and IH was at his usual best I felt (nvm that there are disagreements on this one). The way a men chooses his wardrobe was liken to his character, a simple observation blown into 90 minutes of visual pleasure. Yes, I love plays despite not being able to grasp 100% of it. A twist of fate, led to me winning a pair of tickets to EQUUS tonight. It isnt too bad a way to spend a public holiday I reckon.

I've hardly gone on a verbal diarrhea since heading back from the US. Half a year has changed more than my point of view(s), it has definitely charged my energy to tackle final year project and savour good ole friendships with more enthusiasm.

Other than the usual coffee talk I've been having with many friends from my secondary school/Poly, there is definitely a sense of renewal in all my relationships. It takes one meeting to know that we are all on a whole new level.

One of the memorable ones was 4 to 5 hours of chatting over dinner and in the car. Chilling in a quiet spot and catching up (me catching up more of..) of each others life. We have all grown up so fast and so steadily. Everyone rushing, heading towards a direction. We are not merely letting time push us forward, we are running forward, regardless the direction is clear or not (which is not a bad thing the way I see it). Work, study, relationships, all the big categories in our lives that once seem so distant is now "materialising" right before my eyes.

Sending chong off for her 3-month work trip to HK did bring about many new epiphanies so to speak. Im insanely excited for her, and glad that she's heading out (yes, another one of us moving forward ya-dah ya-dah) and i realise too that we can only embrace what the future have for us (as did she, and enjoying it may I add), and over-planning might not really be the way. Its not something I can give up definitely thou.

gosh, I wonder what the rest of the year has in-stored for everyone around me.

For the love of National Day.

Having previously "celebrated" NDP by going to the preview 5 weeks ago, today was spent conquering the MacRitchie trail. 3.5 hours drenched in sweat, with that added Kodomo dragon - was truly yet another adventure. It's funny how the most horrible things can turn into beautiful "rites of passage" with the right company.

resistance is futile.

Your callused fingers.

Maybe there was some magic in the capilano wishing well afterall.

Putting things in perspective.

If this doesn't work out, I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to get out of it. If I have to, I'll crawl out of this.

Things have been going downhill for awhile and it's time I pull my socks up and make some real decisions and stay in control. I admit, I was losing control, letting all these unknown forces shape my decisions, these emotions throw me off-course and now I've truly had enough. Time to shape up!

Salvage beauty @ MET.

Well, at least I managed to chance upon the Alexander McQueen Exhibition that was a total senses revolution @ MET in New York. No regrets there, not even the 30-minute queue. No dinosaur bones or native american depictions of life from the Museum of Natural History but I could settle for fashion I guess.

Resolute.

Maybe I am not resolute enough, to want something, to make something work. I bend too easily to the forces of the universe (are we talking about god? THAT, I certainly am unsure about), I accommodate too readily to the calls of the wind, slither too comfortably into the hands of the great unknown and dance too fondly towards something different from what I am, an opposition force, but not a political one definitely.

I've always thought I made firm decisions, but the case of GOFAR has left me tortured and broken. I had it, and I felt like I gave it away too readily, despite the fact that bile juice was pouring out of my mouth and I hardly have time to think about it. I have NEVER felt unsure about something, I throw balls in hopes of them going through the hoops, not circling the damn hoop and finally falling out on the wrong side. With GOFAR I was SO SURE I HAD TO TAKE THE DAMN TRIP, my head said YES, my head battled against my heart, and the universe said I could claim my prize. And THIS had to happen, I had to go against every thing I fought for and give it away. Yes, maybe the trip would take a toll on my body, but certainly willpower can stop me from physically crumpling? well, maybe not.

6 months in Seattle, if for nothing taught me one important fact about myself, that sooner or later I have to face my own demons, and they are usually the scariest.I keep treading forward in my life in hopes of losing them along the way, but they usually catch up. An emotional baggage, a thought, a memory, an unfulfilled aim - little things that do their best to put me down, to make me waver, to keep me even further from being resolute. But well, perhaps the saying is really right, that the only easy day was yesterday. Keep treading along keep treading along.

NYC tried to kill me, I ran.

I am not invincible afterall.

The further I run away from these old scars, the sooner they resurface, and the harder they bite. Well at least I have a story left behind in New York City.

Dear Seattle...

Thank you for teaching me how to have ice-cream for dinner.

In Between Time Ephiphanies.

In between sorting out the evolution of Homo Sapiens and Neaderthals, hopping through the grand cathedrals of Rome, the temples of Greece and the beautiful open spaces of Venice, finding defenses for plaintiffs sued for false advertising and working on Crisis presentation conference for NYC, it occurred to me that this could be easy.

Easy to leave behind.

Balance

They say dreams are the opposite of reality.

In Vancouver I was woken up by two dreams. The first saw us getting what we wanted from each other, we worked out. It was perfect. But as with everything perfect, I questioned the authenticity of it, so much that I woke up.

Going back to sleep about 15 minutes later, I dreamt about the worst case scenario. Perhaps abandonment was the theme, I can't remember if I hated you because of what you did to me, but it was just a pretty nasty dream. It was the opposite of what I wanted.

and so, the universe has left me with no answers and my sub consciousness has balanced things out for me. For now there is nothing to be done but to enjoy the last week in seattle. Perhaps the bright lights of New York will show me how to work this.

Of logic, reason and whales.

And finally, whales came into the picture as I enter the final month of my stay in America. Well, maybe a little more than whales. The excitement has yet to wear off, in fact it leaves a tangy yet warm feeling in my heart - I will always have a soft spot for Friday Harbour, for San Juan Island.

But more than visual sightings, the 6 hour to and fro trip gave me a mental sighting into my own head. From the most logical depths of my head, I realised that we shall and maybe can only remain friends. I hate that word, I hate to use it for the both of us.

Every moment I try to convince my illogical self of this concept, I feel that I am throwing another dagger into my chest. Dagger after dagger after dagger.

Sleepless nights with no peace in sight until I reach the shores of Singapore. But that, I can live with. What does my return to Singapore signals?

And suddenly I dont wanna go home anymore.

Unfinished.

Im not going to tear your heart out to make stew. Strangely, Im calm and composed, I thought it would be worst. But you did your best by prepping me for this. Just remember, with me you were able to make this all about you, with other girls, maybe not so lucky. Don't fault my trip, don't let your impatience get away Scot-free.

SPRING

All the best moments of my trips (so far) caught on film.

Polite exchanges.

Holding my favourite winter melon tea and drinking it with much intensity. Suddenly I can't shake off the goosebumps. Of how you sent this all the way from home, of how you seem to have stopped trying. And how you now seem so distant. Our topics have gone from everything and gradually dwindled down to almost nothing. Polite exchanges, mostly talk about dates dates and dates, when will you be back, when will I be back. And now im so afraid that when we meet we would have to realise that we've lost all that chemistry. I don't want that, really.

Future tense.

I think it is finally clear that these couple of months in Seattle was more than just thinking about friends, emotions and relationships. I did so much more soul-searching here than I ever did since 2008. Life has been a mad rush since I finished that first internship. And I ask myself, three internships and many long trips later, just exactly what is most important to me now? What do I truly want?

Friends in Singapore would know I fight a war with my future self, constantly.
Friends here have pointed out that I seem to belong in the future, I rush, I panic, I plan.

Somehow, I always devise ways to sneak into the future while being here.

And this is despite the fact that I have CONSCIOUSLY not PLAN, not THINK and just LIVE. Someone let slip that maybe I should be be 'uptight' about so many things, but I cant help it, I enjoy it. It doesnt make life dreadful for me, it makes life normal. I like the rush, I like the future, but I KNOW and REALISE that I am living in the present (although to many it feels as if Im not).

Since back in the last days of poly, everything I have been doing (and enjoying) is always best explained as "for the future", "contribute to the future", "great for a future". That is not perhaps the best explanation for doing something, because it seems to lack Passion, but I grow a passion for everything Im doing for the Future. Maybe be one day I will look back and regret, but as of now, im enjoying every moment that I have worked hard for.

Without the grades, would I have been in Seattle?
Without those internships, would I be going for GOFAR?

Doubt so.

Im just paving the way for myself, and investing alot of time in myself. Nothing is absolute except the fact that I have a say in where I'm going.

and so what do I truly want? I think Im still searching for the answer.

(I believe more "revelation" posts will be up cause as the end of the trip approaches, I have kinda come to conclusion about certain things.)

Give it to me Seattle.

And for the Singaporeans who have been reaching out to me despite the distance:
Chua - for constantly telling me "you'll be home soon."
K - your long emails, your analysis.
Chong - being there 24/7
G Ng - forever my frog princess.
Ms Leow - for being the kopi buddy, and that email.

Don't fault the distance, fault the heart.

Why do you fault me for not being there, then can I too, fault you for not being here?
I am not unreasonable, and I know neither are you. We knew the type of circumstances we were getting ourselves into, since day 1 (well, not meeting in in the lift, but rather just over lunch) I told you. I took out my thickest black markers, and drew the clearest boundaries.

You were the one who disregard everything I've laid out as a disclaimer.

This soft spot you have for me, will it last, won't it last, and what does it mean? You can have a soft spot for a puppy too you know. I'm not a stray puppy, I don't need your love, I want it.

You know you have been terrible in laying out certain statements that left me dumbfounded. Did you regret it? Will you regret it? Your method of repentance cannot strike a chord with me. With you, I can find a hundred and one ways to victimised myself, just so to have you chained to me, maybe out of guilt, maybe, just a tranquilizer to keep you with me. But why would I do that?

I don't want to victimize myself, I dont want to scare you, to find rebuttals, to force you to see things the way I do. My stance is clear, if Im in this, my role is to alternate between jabbing you, and compromise, you know it too. In fact you know that is the only role anyone can take if they want to be with you. Don't make me tell you how selfish you have been, not now anyway.

I sense your frustrations, and I sense your desire not to talk. We know small talk doesnt work for us. We've tried it, we know it. We tug at each other's heartstrings with such intensity that we can want nothing less from each other.

Maybe this is me "musing", but you know this is the truth. This is the truth I can't say in your face, this is the truth you've been telling me. Hard to accept, hard to listen, hard to digest. I still question, myself more than you. How we managed to be bounded by all these loathsome emotional ties, now that we are apart. How did it seem so beautiful initially?

Don't pull yourself away. Once I sense your distance, your hesitation and your reluctance, I will retreat faster than you can say "leave". Don't try this with me, because I will never be able to come back the same. Keep me with you, you know how to.


Lastly, Don't fault the distance, fault the heart.

You make the decision, you wear the pants, you take what you can.
Because you know you have succeeded, mildly.
Drive me crazy and happy, keep me battered and torn.
You do what you need to because my opinion doesnt matter.

So I do what I can, play my music really loud.
Fill my ears with noise, fill my head with nonsense and hide my heart.

Thank You.

Clues.

Was that the nicest way you could tell me "you're too young for me"?
What do you want, exactly?
Are these clues you are dropping? are they pointing to our likely conclusion?
I'm sick with fear, disgust and hollowness.
This is not the way you are allowed to treat my heart.
Because I deserve better, and I still think you are that better.

MAY - Week 1 at a glance.

The sun has decided to make friends with me, now now I can gleefully (yes, in a singsong voice) say I am wearing a little lesser and feeling a little less bulky (twice-weekly kickboxing classes help too).



Seattle's famous Space needle in the background, look hard enough and you might spot ET. LOL


As Lovers go.


As Mustaches go.


Likely to be my first photo in a series to come that sees me without a big bulk jacket!


The Sun sets at 8pm, no kidding. Hanging around on the Burke-Gilman Trail and singing songs that remind us of home.


Being plague by the horrors of the heart.



Via Lelove, iheartthis, fffound etc.


and yes, looking happy. Just part and parcel of life isnt it?

Being away from home can be so simple, and yet so hard all at once.
May I also point out that I wish I had someone with me now too, and that you are not the only one in need of a "someone" in you life right now.

really?

So for every poor person you meet, you are going to cry infront of them? Perhaps they need change, perhaps they need help, but one thing they dont need is your pity or tears.

Catching up on rally videos online as if I am really going to be voting tomorrow. It pains me, it disgusts me, it angers me and sometimes, it comforts me. I have realised that while I have no strong alliance with any party, not the incumbent, not the opposition, PM Lee comforts me, his tone, his content and his struggles. SM Goh reminds me of my grandfather, had he had spoken as much english, the mannerisms, the fatherly tone, the urge in his voice that was no where near desperate, but full of assertiveness. But these are not clear markers, or are they not?

My vote will lie with whoever that can address the three top issues Education, Elderly care (or just healthcare) and the Sandwich class, to my liking. Education - as my younger brother has YEARS to go, how will it work out for him, for us? Elderly care - my parents, enough said. And the sandwich class - bridging whatever gaps that appear, making it easy to start a home in Singapore. Being in America for 5 months have opened up my eyes to these issues even more. We are at the forefront of it all, but how do we not fall behind?

Regardless the case, I can only speak from a corner of Seattle and watch as the drama unfolds. Watch as Singaporeans (and majority of my peers) make a choice, and hopefully a right one. Lets shed the image of the apathetic generation Y, let's figure this out. And let's not be deceived by the unneeded bashing, tears and other PR tactics.

It is, about convincing and convictions afterall.

Five months later - How do you say goodbye?

I almost feel like I have a split personality disorder.
Half of me is wondering "just how good can life get?"
I smile endlessly, people catch me smiling endlessly, in Seattle, online, everywhere.
With everything that's happening around me, with all the experiences, with even Margie from Hong Kong visiting, how good can it really get?


and there is another half who is constantly in the dark, in grief, in chosen solitude.
Moments in the shower, on the way home, that huge black hole only seems to be growing bigger.

I would think that it should have healed, but looks like time is not doing its job yet. Over Skype with mum last week, I decided to bring up the topic - "Why am I still reeling from loss?"

And it turns out that im not the only one, mum and grandma still dreams of grandpa too.
I think about the space beside grandma left empty with grandpa's departure, I think about the songs he use to sing to me, I think about how he used to fetch me home from school, the scent of his cigarettes, the taste of his french toast, his husky voice telling me a story from long ago, his coffee sock, his white singlet, and most of all, his hands. His hands that once held mine, the hands that grew wrinkled and withered away. The hands I failed to hold one last time before they nailed the coffin. The hands that shaped the lives of everyone I love so dearly. He was my grandpa, he was my grandma's husband, he was ours.

Time and time again, I tell myself that urge to cry was because of pms, of eye irritation, of the cold wind, of something. But I cannot run away from the fact that I cannot fight these tears that have been lingering for the last 5 months. At any given moment, the thought of grandpa drives me mad with grieve. The images are so vivid, the degeneration of a healthy man, reduced to a bag of bones. How can I come to terms with this, the fact that I will never see my grandpa alive again. Did everyone else saw it the way I did? Did everyone remember how it was like to have had a loving grandfather? A grandfather who went out of his way to pick me up from school, to cook spinach the way I liked it, the grandfather who got frustrated with me when I interrupted his story telling sessions, who loved me enough, just enough, for it to hurt so much even after 5 months.


and I think about how everything about him is now written in past tense.

The arrival of spring, and many things else.

You had me at Hello.


TWO DOOR CINEMA super close proximity concert.


X's 2nd long delayed package.


Spur moment bangs (look how media law bores me.)


Images cannot sum up how full of happiness is residing in my heart.

Trump Card.

The scariest thing is always when we find out how to hurt each other the deepest. Because then we'll find it so easy, so convenient to play that card.

Jittery.

Can I really snuggle up in the safety of your embrace? Let it all go, and do a free-fall?

Keep Calm and Take a Breath.

Captured from San Juan.

What do I do with your heart.

Hello my childhood mentor, my sister, my best friend, my childhood sweetheart and my reflection,

I feel like you deserve my heart, for you have give yours to me, with no hesitation.
You throw yourself at me, even though you know im not your best bet. You believe in me.
You made me who I am today, well not 100% but a great deal. What can I do for you? For you are so good at working every aspect of your life, what is my value in your life?
I make you cry, countless times, and yet you trust me with all that you have, still? Do I deserve your love? I dont know how else to tell you how much I love you except that you are no longer in my life, you ARE my life. But you always tell me that my actions prove other wise. That it is not enough for me to say I love you, I have to show it to you. I'll work on it, still.

Split moment decisions.

Yes you were right, we'll need "guts and steel" in both of us to get through this.

Funny how the moment you showed me to the door was the moment I knew I did't want that door to exist.

Assurance.

I need to hear this one last time;
That you don't want me to run away. and perhaps we really need each other more than we think we do.

One last time, please.

Do you have any idea what you at proposing at all?

You've thrown me from one deep one to another, and as much as I understand that you are just being "fair" to me. I can't help but feel that I've already started to fall (tumbling would be the right word) into this rabbit hole of yours.

So you better hold on to me tight.

Jason is right.

"Dating is just awkward moments and one person wants more than the other. It's just that constant strangeness. I think it's a very real thing."

- Jason Schwartzman

The English Patient.

"Her life with others no longer interests him. He wants only her stalking beauty, her theatre of expressions. He wants the minute and secret reflection between them, the depth of field minimal, their foreignness intimate like two pages of a closed book."

"The new lover enters the habits of the other. Things are smashed, revealed in new light. That is done with nervous or tender sentences, although the heart is an organ of fire."

"You have to protect yourself from sadness. Sadness is very close to hate. Let me tell you this. This is the thing I learned. If you take in someone else's poison– thinking that you can cure them by sharing it– you will instead store in within you."


Michael Ondaatje.

I think I need you for reasons I don't know.

If I could bend your pain into something good
Make you a prouder man
If I could rough you up then save you with good luck
And show you hope again

Yamagata puts my feelings into words. Short succinct sentences, these lingering thoughts.

Whale of a time, and a little bit more.

San Juan - beyond beautiful.
The Harry Potter forest, the green pastures, the whales at a great distance, the seals that look like sausages and the company that felt like family.

Nightmare - beyond horrible.
I dreamt that I died, before I could tell you what I really wanted to say to you.

Toilet Conversations 1.

Call me superficial but honestly, make up is important.
On days you need a lil perk-me-up, to add a dash of colour to your face, to hide an awkward spot, to brighten your eyes, to fix that missing lash. Yes make up is important.

and then someone tells you that they have gotten use to seeing you without make-up, in pajamas and big fluffy lion hair at 8am every friday morning in the toilet (gross but yes, i skype in the toilet, its beautiful).

I don't understand why.

The initial Plan.

In Mr F's words: "just float along until i feel its going to capsize then use some fireworks lor."


and then you had to be sly.

Food for thought.

Could 52 pieces of Vacuum packed Bak Gua help define our relationship?



Glutton for punishment, I dint know that the way to my heart is still by the stomach.

Really?

"Perhaps I love you. Perhaps I love you very much. But probably for this reason it would be better if we remain as we are. I think a man and a woman love each other all the more when they don't live together and when they know about each other only that they exist, and when they are grateful to each other for the fact that they exist and that they know they exist. And that alone is enough for their happiness."

"Laughable Lovers", Milan Kundera.

Portland - an extract from an email.

Portland was the true state that welcomed me to America. Seattle did little to welcome me, except shove bad food (read: BURGERS and Sandwiches) down my throat and freezing cold in my face. It did help that the treatment that I got in Portland better - we had a room in Hilton Hotel with Lavazza coffee and Crabtree & Evelyn toiletries, if that's not bliss I dont know what is. It did help that Portland had America's biggest bookstore and I can lost in rows and rows of books (floor to ceiling shelves, no joke). Books were not cheap per se, and I got a surprising total of two books after much deliberation. But it was the smell of books on a winter day, seeing people who love books walk pass me down the aisles, finding 3 versions of the same book (which means I could choose my favourite font size and paper thickness) that liberated the bookworm in me. It was seeing that the books they placed on recommended shelves being those I have already read, it was seeing the "new releases", titles that I could not wait to get my hands on that made my heartbeat accelerate.

Books aside, fun means having abit of action, not too much, just enough to get your adrenalin pumping without breaking into a sweat. That was how my first NBA match was defined - Portland Trail Blazers VS Indiana Pacers. Sitting in a stadium with over 20 thousand people, watching the action take place right before my eyes, seeing the team we supported (Trail Blazers) trail way behind in terms of score and catching up and winning the game in the last quarter, dancing to the music played at every interval, laughing at the lousy(but damn hot) cheerleaders, winning free fries (exclusive to the section we were sitting), seeing other people being randomly selected to receive ridiculous prizes like 3 bottles of mineral water or a pair of tickets to the automobile show, seeing ronald mcdonald make a guest appearence (right before we won the fries), shouting "defence x100", throwing random high-fives with everyone after winning the game ... it was the package. Well of course, I have not watched basketball for a grand total of 4 years, since leaving secondary school, since my brother stopped playing competitively. It was nostalgic.

And there was the food. Portland was known (well, at least my friends say so) for street carts, awesome food, awesome prices/portion. Well, we were big on thai food even back in Singapore so I went straight for thai food. Uncle was nice enough to go with my request of "basil chicken rice with fried egg" at no extra cost - even though it wasnt something on the menu. Best thai ice milk tea I've had since Bangkok for $1 too! So I coulden stop jumping around (even after I got my food). Soon, a long lined formed behind us, all Caucasians, I guess they really trusted us in finding the authentic asian flavour. Either that or this store is a gem we've discovered, randomly. After main course there's always desert. So this time desert was in the form of a 1.5 hour queue for "VOODOO donuts". This is the craziest thing I've ever done since queuing 3-hour for 2 dozen donuts at Donut factory. In preparation for this donut i had starved off donut for a week, so I was drooling in the queue, no joke. When I had my first bite of the maple-bacon donut, I felt like pigs died for the right reasons, well, and that was that sugar rush.

Well shopping was a mad rush, the only time i truly lost it and tried to grab everything I could in 20 minutes was at the NARS counter at Nordstrom. Stocking up on my necessities, eye liner and blush. I feel so cheated in Hong Kong (SGD50 for my orgasm blush VS USD26 for the same damn thing). Well luckily for me, god decided to let the NARS makeup artist not come to work today, so I was served by the Bobbi Brown makeup artist, she did not know shit about NARS, so I got say 2 products less.

300 emails in a month.
We are depriving each other of the other beautiful things in life.


Much is left unsaid, and even more has been said and repeated.
What are we to each other today? Will it be the same 5 months later?

"Do something new everyday."

"Do something new everyday."

That's my personal aim. So for slightly more than a month now, I haven failed myself. Be it walking on a new path, going to a new cafe, finding a new thrift store or exploring a new area - im constantly on the prowl.

CNY eve was a breakthrough - volleyball training with the UDub team (way too competitive), being part of a live audience at METRE5's New Day TeeVee Show, getting my Bak Gua from Fedex, seeing david Guetta live, new cafe, breadpudding, every thing crammed into one day.

A slice of life.

I almost forgot how it was like to truly "live" my life. I forgot the joys of doing nothing, I forgot the taste of sweet life, I forgot the greatness of doing nothing, I forgot the call of the empty streets. Until I met Seattle.

And now i truly forgot the power of twitter, or facebook or even blogging. Pictures are now meant for personal collection.

School is an excuse to be here for a long holiday.