RW.day 5.2

Happy 21st keat.
She is now 21 and a day old.
I want her to know that I am not that lone ranger who appreciates her as she is.
many many people do.









Photos: Keaty, Libing, Weilong and Tong!!!

RW.day 5.2

I have been very frank to myself,
but I think it also means a whole deal of white lies on this blog.

Concerns,
thank you.


No, I am not in anyway involved with Mr Floppy.
The name just came naturally.
I like the way he thinks, and I wish he is really a girl to begin with.
matured, yet childish.


Other than abstract, I do write about serious stuffs.
http://www3.ntu.edu.sg/chronicle/news/vol16no3/p14.html

Question of the day:
"are you emotionally single?"


Today's yamagata song is still "reason why"

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

RW.day 4

"This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more. Who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be that they are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe, just maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is a homage to the girls who laugh out loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more then they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for the girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it."

- Via Libing, Via TigerInTheDark

RW.day 3

"I don't expect anything//you may hate me, but I'll remember to love you" - Quiet, R Yamagata

Playlist oh playlist,
Do you know?
You keep me sane and insane all at once.



/

Supper with Mr Floppy.
I see a friendship,
Something remotely similar,
We were frank,
We are friends.

I opened my heart and he gave a solution.
If only it worked.

RW.day 2.2

Tong is looking at pslove.tumblr.com

Bro: Love sick ah you?
Tong: ....



..

love sick.
no need to intensify my insecurities.
no need an object to be obsessed with.
love sick.
all you need is love.
know that the ideology LOVE, is much stronger than love itself.
even stronger than loving a person.
that is the ideology of LOVE.


possibly I'm in love with the idea of love.
love as a term.
a mystery.
a variable.

RW.day 2

I want to
I want to
I want to

stop thinking about whether you think about me.


it's not really that important to be thought off, seriously.
wished I could convince myself.

damn lucky i've got friends who are willing to accompany me via text.
you know who you are.
sorry i'm not an msn girl. HAHA

Reason why.

Sing this song to me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

- R yamagata, reason why.


how do we run away from solitude and confinement?
sing me a song and i'll follow you anywhere, because you are my pied piper of Hamelin.

war.
make the most of sadness.
dead and dying breathe.
sinking heart.

Every breath I take.
Every reason I give.
Every heart you break.

I know that we are doomed.

.

I want to write a book about pain, sorrow, intimacy, heartbreak and distance.
Im researching intensively.
let me know if you have a story to share.

25th OCT 2009

PHOTO OF THE YEAR!!!!!


2009's representation of friendship.



It takes 4 people, 7 hours and a good meal at TEAPARTY to make me feel whole again.
SUNDAY and SATURDAYS were spent at NGEEANN POLY.
Sitting in that all-too-familiar Makan Place, chatting with yong tau hoo auntie, hearing her say "girl, come back to eat next week".
It melts my heart.

University does not exactly SUCK the life out of me, but I figured I take longer than usual to adjust.
After the all time LOW last week I figure I ought to get up again and have fun fighting school.
School School School......
and assignments....

PICTURES WHEEE.











Take this sinking heart and make it whole again.

need to kill.

not everyone puts their brain to good use
and not everyone agrees eye-to-eye.

There is this 1 particular person I would like to see being put to sleep tonight.
I can hardly bring myself to like her, her repetitive tone, repetitive tee shirt, her motionless face and her ah-ma looking granniy panties that give mine a run for their money.

flop goes the weasel.

thank you you warmed my heart.
somehow somewhat somewhere.
even if i'm not the one you're fussing over.

flop goes the weasel.

thank you you warmed my heart.
somehow somewhat somewhere.
even if i'm not the one you're fussing over.

Freezing inside.

Depression sees no light of day.


Help me, save me, send me some someone.

YL.

can I hear your voice?

...

I've always thought of you as an oasis in this tormenting dessert.
And I strive and strive to get to you.
As much as it tire me out,
I reached out.
I held your hand in mine for what i felt COULD BE eternity
and then you ran.

You ran.
You hid.

I opened my heart.
I showed you my soul.
I welcomed you into my head,
My world.
I gave you everything I could offer
I gave you the truth
If nothing else matters,
The truth.
Truth I hid from the world.

You ran.
You hid.
You put me away.

The one person I thought I could be truthful to.
Let's put distance between us.
I am tired.
My mind is closed.
My heart has retreated.
The truth, has died.

Allow me one last statement: I genuinely cared for you. cared.

Go ahead and run.
Go Hide.
Go somewhere else.


...




I admit I'm afraid of karma and that played a part in my changed perspective.
Would I be better off as the bitch-from-hell?

On friendship.

"I'm looking for a friend that I can communicate to, both intellectually and emotionally"
- lunch convo with Wen Tong.


"A friend of yours has a serious authority figure complex and you may have to give them some tough love to snap them out of some serious self-pity. Trust your intuition if you are not sure what to say. Even if they resist your advice, they are listening."
- FACEBOOK horoscope, which I am a diehard fan of.


"AWW! How apt k? My itunes on be be your love.Didn't choose it :)"
- Libing's reply (FYI: i really see BE BE YOUR LOVE is our song.)


Supper was, emotionally fulfilling.
I was very honest with myself.
I put my trust in you, do the same.

SPICE in my life.

EXCITED.

ALL THESE CRAZY RULES

Girls all over the world live in fear of expressing their love
We are all so afraid to look or sound desperate.
overfriendly? that's a no-no too

When I was reading this entry (see link), i felt obliged to share all that bottled up emotions.
http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2009/10/all-these-crazy-rules.html
it helps that FRIDAY is always a good day to blog.

isnt this simply unbearable? Like the intense summer heat that wont go away.
Having to live in denial
BUT, who says that acting nonchalant will guarantee that he sees who you are and what you feel
LET ME TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

I have been acting like that (nonchalant when I really do care and feel fucking desperate) ALL the years I've dated.
IT SUCKS and it's not a one way ticket to a relationship.
Only one that drives the innocence of relationships further into hell.

I constantly think jealousy will help you strive harder for me. (as i act nonchalant)
but all these years, NAH. Tried and tested and FAILED.





Does playing hard to get really works?
Is being overfriendly a major turnoff?

seriously, who cares.

"Jealousy knows more than truth does" - you decipher. (Gracia, memories of my melancholy whores)

so it rains.

Sometimes you feel abandon.
It's not a choice.
it's like a ball that bounces into your embrace.
Only that it is bounced so hard,
it hurts to receive it.

Memories of my melancholy whores - love with an insane and obsessive touch.

Be be your love

I love leloveblog.
talk about being a religious reader.


Pictures tug my heartstring
Words bring tears (occasionally) to my eyes
and the kind of emotion every post evokes makes me feel that love is honourable, splendidly lusty, wholesomely beautiful and simply tragic all at once.




This particular picture's supposed to show bec waiting and being neglected by her loved one who used to warm her bed.
To me, the interpretation changes.


Lately I've unknowingly ventured into the topic of "standard for a companion very high huh".
I always laugh and say my standard is so low it touches ROCK BOTTOM!
But upon reflection, I would say it has sky-rocketed lately.
As i grow a little older and wiser.

I still hope to get acquainted with him at a big bookstore
I want chemistry
intellectual connection
a strong and steady gaze (arms as well)

well, then again who doesn't want that?


time to head for my 4.30pm class. BOOOO

Serious Bitch

My love, my love, my love, how could you do this to me
My love, my love, my love, you're not enough for me
And I shouldn't have to tell you to explain yourself
But all I have is your letter read
And I cannot get it out of my head
And all I have is your letter read,
And I cannot get it out of my head

'Cause I'm afraid, and I can't breathe,
And I'm in love with you
But you are not with me
'Cause I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

YAMAGATA - "Letter Read"


I HATE THAT U TYPE IN CAPS LIKE ME
HATE THAT YOU REFUSE TO REPLY ME
HATE IT.
HATE EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT SERIOUS


Wished Libing and Derric is here with me.
Just like when we were in Year 1.

Guilt is hardly beautiful.

I'm sorry I went around telling.


you know the guilt of laughing at those jokes kill me a million times over before I fall sleep at night.



.

resolution.

Note to self:
IF YOU BREAK MY HEART AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU.
so be oblivious and stay calm.

Thank you for your coorporation ms Lau.




The she-wolf has been put to rest so fear no more, timid men.

JCRC Investiture

I wonder where we go from here Pubs comm.


It was a Thursday night that I would rather have stayed in my room.
Committing such a grave mistake, yet again.

Meet me by the water (if any)

The recess week is not as good as it should be.
I'm pretty much bogged down with random stuff
The new book I've so excitedly purchased from Kino lies untouched.

and everyday I'm re-living tales of the I'm messed-up-in-my-head.
Waking up at 3am in the morning because of some stranger in my dream is hardly a good dream.

The rest of the day will probably drift by Inch Chua and Rachael Yamagata's voices.

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel -be be your love-

Aqueous oblivion
Caught in hazy vision,
Aqueous oblivion
Lost in the divine,
He's swimming in my mind. - aqueous oblivion -

I've been thinking everyday about you
Don't fit anywhere into my life, but that's okay
'Cause I think I might be right for you -meet me by the river-

.


Lyrics, so beautiful and unreal.

Friday Nights.

I haven had a "there's something to think about" MSN convo in awhile.
Last night with Mr Floppy, he said:

"you seem like the i'm single, proud of it, and guys can F-off type, not in a lesbian/butch way"

and then i start to wonder (for the whole day infact),

1) Is this what I want to project? - Frankly YES, this is really me.

2) Am I really THAT happy to be single? Perhaps YES, wanting to have someone is possibly a sign that i try too hard to fit into the norm. Isn't it better to be in control of your own time?

3) Am I really sending the signal that YOU CAN TAKE YOUR EGO AND FUCK OFF? unknowingly I think that is the signal. If his ego is too much for himself and the world, don't bother imposing it on me.

4) Proud of being single? Yes and No. Sometimes I'm actually ashamed of being single. Again it goes back to the idea of wanting to fit into that mould. But honestly from the bottom of my heart, I really just want an alternate voice in my world and a spot on a shoulder I can call mine.


Your thoughts?


Its really apt to apply the whole "Looking-glass Self" theory by Cooley.
Perhaps I become what I want people to think of me as, or rather, what I think people will think of me as.
Being tall can be awkward huh?

Friday afternoons

who are you
why are you here
why did we meet
where will we go
what is the consequence of our actions
how can I deal with this


Lunch was stressful, URBAN today was a good read.
While my heart weep, I decided to hang a smile on my face.

thank you for the kindness.

Blair and Chuck are in love and Chuck confessed his need for Blair.
Because we all have a softer side that no one else sees.
When you're in love all you have to do is lie quietly beside him, there's no need for a quick fuck.






We can dance like it's alright, but when day breaks, we all have to face the music.

Friday Mornings

Having time to blog, that's some kind of bliss.

Last night was JCRC investiture.
I had almost nothing to do with it, except that I'm with publications sub-comm and there's free food.
Ended up watching guys with mis-match ties and shirts and wishing that they made better choices.
Only 1 person didn't seem to have a wardrobe malfunction in my opinion.

Thursday (yesterday) was bliss embedded in every single hour.
It was highly anticipated day not only because exams would be over but I could execute a surprise (Having lunch with Chong!).
I did however, wished the night was a lil longer and memorable.

"a bag of songs and a heavy heart won't bring me down."

We were surprised by our head and asst head of Publications with a pretty distasteful mug, hand painted with with our names.
regardless, its really sweet of them.
See mine:





the moment i received it, a wave of warmth washed over me.
The rest of the time was just spent thinking that I had the best colour coordinated mug.
lets just say the others weren't as lucky.

//

"I'm scared to face another day
Cos the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and I'm scared."

for a span of 10 mins, I also felt this way last night. why do people always walk out the door so easily?

//

and the night drifted to an end with a publications meeting, project runway, new friend from TV lounge, army talk, a hong kong romance movie with the lvl 5 bitches, doing laundry and a very long msn chat with Mr floppy.

The last part would be better explained in time to come.




My heart is resting at some kind of equilibrium, but not for long i know.

"Im a dreamer, a distant dreamer. Dreaming far away, from today" -
All lyrics: Duffy

Horoscope, again.

Reading this kills me:

Lau,Workplace romances and friendships are not good for you right now. You need to stay focused on productive work, on the daily chores. Don't let yourself get distracted by arguments over renovations or changes to the appearance of the places you work in.


BTW, this is my horoscope for today.
LIKE...STAY FOCUS?! LIKE HOW HOW HOW! someone teach me how to make learning a wonderful process.

Im not leaving for home.

Im feeling "choppy" today. like everything i feel comes in segments.
What i want to do most is go to that photo exhibition with li bing.
I want to enrich my life.

Things no one will understand:

Go: Art hub in a hilltop town
become the accidental writer
Lets talk; and cancel all the noise pollution
Organic Honey, sweet but I wish for something sweeter
ART IS, a holistic approach to living life
SPF15 lippy does not make you fairer
fill me up with liquid gold
you diminished all signs of hunger
white paper and black lines
COM207, the bane of my existence
flourishing.


Factual:
I dreamt that i was setting fishes free in clear streams.
I wish I could revisit that frame with a notepad to take down all details.
Fish - they are not are eating are they?




I told you my mind is made up of segments.
We need a song for production Jilted.


PS: can you read this?

Do you agree?

Thank You.

You made food in canteen B more delicious.
Have you heard that laughter can heal souls? You've healed mine since week 1.

Have you found me?

I'm looking forward to feeling like this, are you?







Credit: lelove.blogspot/fffound

at 5.49PM.

Falling for all the wrong type of guys and having to deal with all that insecurity.

Writing.

10,000 hours of practising = makes you a pro in doing something = near perfection = Malcom Gladwell.
Writing?

Writing makes me feel at home. The only solace in this very terribly noisy world (yes, i occasionally contribute to that noise pollution too).

I don't like twitter. why limit thoughts and why limit writing?
I don't like this FAST generation. I don't like impatience and I don't understand why people don't take time to read, write and feel for a piece of writing.
I don't like writing news, most of the time I don't feel for the story and I have to force myself to feel for it so I can write it.
But nonetheless it's writing, I find it 'acceptable'.

I like writing. I like typing. I like observing and penning down my thoughts.
I like rainy days, hot chai lattes, clean reporters notebooks and a cheap ball point pens.
I like having all of those things all at once so I can record my thoughts.
I like scribbling and I love moments on the public transport when I'm struggling and trying to decipher even my own handwriting.

I love writing love stories in my head.
I love shoving those love stories into a drawer in my heart, in which i keep the possibility/fire/image of love alive.
I love fridays, because i get to write "TGIF" to people.

Thank God it's Friday and blogger tolerates my rubbish.





That's the room i've been living in.
it has been 5 weeks and I really ought to decorate the room so I can truly call it MINE.


TGIF and Sep 11 was a sad day 8 years ago and it remains the case now.

You are here virtually

I always find the four of us a kind of weird combination.
Think of all the times we sat together having lunch, talking about weddings and celebrating birthdays.
Sandy's picture is always in my room, and the birthday present wendy bought for me has been travelling with me, from NUS to NTU hall.
Libing is constantly texting me.

And i bet, yes i bet with all my heart, we all miss those times in Ngee Ann/Holland/Sixth Ave.



- TGIF

Lifehouse did not sing "broken" for no reason.

being in love hurts (sometimes) and being out of love hurts (sometimes).
I re-read time traveller's wife over the weekends - thus the overwhelming pessimistic emotions.

Hall 9 Publications Comm

My horoscope on facebook says:

Lau,
You will be the centre of attention today. You have opportunities to make friends, unexpected social encounters that boost your self-esteem and connect you in lasting ways to other people. You may hear some good news about a deal or legal agreement.

///

I think it was right for ONCE. I got into PUBLICATIONS COMM.
I re-ignite the fire of lost friendships.
Honestly, I hope it'll be the reason I want to stay in hall, or make me at least look forward to spending Sunday nights in hall.

IVY league.

I've always set my sights at attainable levels.
My uncles/aunts and even Ms Suasanne Chan and I have discussed about Ivy League.
Ivy League as 'the great eight', but never as "yea, maybe I could try for it".

It seems like such a distant illusion, as if it never existed in my world and I was just contented with local universities.
I set the boundaries and shut the thoughts of any distractions, focusing solely on NUS and NTU.

These days I've been reading and watching American-centric novels/articles/dramas.
And I wonder...why can't it be Yale, Princeton, Dartmouth or Cornell? SAT? why did I decide not to pursue it?
Why did I never plan ahead for a future that holds even more than I think I can handle.
Why did I never set my sights far?
Graduates from these schools are highly sought after for their academic excellence, interaction with the best in the field and reputable portfolio. Why did i never think far enough?

Im just wondering.

For now, Im just hoping to do a campus tour and step into these campuses.

- Today, I pity myself for my lack of vision. And yet, while climbing up 7 storeys to my room in the hall, I stopped to enjoy a breeze that blew the hair from my face, knowing how lucky I am to be living this life. Everyday my thoughts contradict.

Singing in the rain.

I've always loved (am still loving) the idea of attempting something I'm not good at.
The idea that I will improved just a little bit after trying, makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

I love writing simply because I'm not good at it and I want to get better.
I love volleyball for the exact same reasons.

A particular friend of mine, well, I'd like to think we got to know each other better after arguments and arguments (and a little coffee here and there). She's living proof that I might be bad at what i'm doing (being a good friend), but I keep trying and Im (hopefully getting better seriously) better.

- conceived in the shower.

Interview with a Lord

As a representative of the Nanyang Chronicle, I am going to interview Lord Martin Rees, guest speaker from University of Cambridge.

What a FIRST in the life of such a humble civilian like me!!!
And the last time i ever heard of a "lord" was on Gossip Girls

Goodness gracious!

Queen.

So here we stand
In our secret place
With the sound of the crowd
So far away
And you take my hand
And it feels like home
We both understand
It's where we belong

I find triumph in being the "Queen of your heart".
J says i have to stop looking. B says they will come in time.
I think im too occupied for this.

DARWIN VS WILBUR VS FREUD VS KARL MARX

Who do i choose to triumph over my intellectual emotions.

so Paris, where is Nardine?

Time's are really bad with term paper coming up in about 3 weeks.
I thought we just started school?!!!!
but on a lighter side, there are still things in this world apart from Darwin, wilbur and marxist, that never fail to amaze me.

Take this conversation with the babe called Paris/Nardine for example.
I wonder if she's Parisian?
Either the world is warped, or i've been mistaken as a guy yet again.




so there there, a perfect Monday night.
Well, i had a strip-bare-i'll-teach-you-how free tutorial offer, now ain't that a blessing?!

when will you be home?

The roomie has yet to move in.

It's a far cry from what i had at NUS. No late night suppers, no booze, no poker, no laughter.
I've been hanging out on MSN, dishing the dirt on long-lost friends.
Pathetic since most of my friends don't see me as a virtual world person - we mostly talk face-to-face.
the room door is always slightly ajar, along with it carried a glimmer of hope that someone will pop by and say HI.
first encounter with the neighbours was not in any way friendly, in fact it was almost hostile. (why? you 1990 kids?!)
Dodging glances in lecture, not finding the 'libing' of SCI, yes that saddens me.
Hopefully im not running out of good luck yet.
get me a a bottle of Felix Felicis. (liquid luck, if u are a potter fan)





bye bye.

I'll warm your soul with a song.

Away for so long

4 months away from theladysaysso.
Life has been pretty dull since i graduated, filled up with many "grown-up things" to do.
How i miss life back in campus, a small campus - Ngee Ann Polytechnic.
A little something i grab from bakerby.


The last person I saw: My brother
The last person I talked to: Libing
The last person I kissed: My mum, two days ago.
The last song I heard: aqueous oblivion - Libing did i get that right?
The last movie I saw: Ponyo on the cliff by the sea
The last tv program I watched: Rachael Ray show
The last book I read: Essays in love by Alan De botton (or something like that)
The last time I laughed: Last night at Gloria's.
The last time I cried: 7 days ago when sandy left.
The last dream I had: 2 Saturdays ago in Temasek Hall - i dreamt that my mum left me
The last thing I ate: Peanut Butter Waffle
The last thought I had before writing this post: NTU is a forest, how do i NOT get lost.

innate beauty.

Im screaming so loud, can't you hear.

Hello there.

Fall in love with me?

She went away.

It has been nearly 2 months, buried in piles of newspaper, criticisms and the echo of lifeless laughter.
My PR internship is great, and at the same time, just a seemingly vague vision of my future.
God knows how positive.

I know, no, I don't.
I hear you, oh no, maybe I don't.

Because sorrow finds a blank patch, germinates and refuses to leave.
So does emptiness, desire and pride.
"don't let your ego and vanity hurt you."

I'm afraid I have.
Because sometimes we get consume by the darkness, despite being surround by light.
.

after 3 years in Mass Comm.

3 years ago i thought I would be a journalist working in the fashion industry.
At that point of time my favourite magazine was 'Seventeen' - Yea, I was 17.

Fast Forward - 3 years later, I have just finished my last paper for the course - Mass Media in Singapore and Asia.
I hardly read magazines, My best subject is probably Public Relations (keeping my fingers crossed), I have worked with an editorial team (albeit not Seventeen nor fashion related but rather Travel) and I might not end up as a journalist afterall.

Some dreams were dashed, others took on a different route.
One thing hasn't changed;
I am still as determined to get into a local university, since day 1, that did't change, not one bit.

Although I am not as sure (in terms of a 'future') what i would like myself to be,
Im sure things will somehow work out.

well at least, I ofund a group of very dependable friends i'll like to keep for life.

Poppy is a flower's name.

I know times are bad.
But its definitely not an excuse to come up with crappy cheap-looking stuffs.
Take Poppy by Coach...
Lets see how long they will last.









fabsugar, a new on the read-list.

I cant help it.

I tried to hold back but it keeps appearing in my mailbox.
If i could conquer the collection and turn them into an assortment of glittery eyeliner.
Nightbreed is the best friend, and i want to increase the count.

First Love - not too late?

How apt, Adele is playing 'First Love' in the background and im scrolling through webpages and webpages of shoe catalogues.
(Albeit Media Law exam is 9 am tmr.)
Its never too late to announce the arrival of love.

Hello tacky black studded shoe, i hear you calling me, and my toes scream "pedicure!".
Having seem so many cheap-looking versions, Im please to say you fit my bill.



Yes yes, this picture is from Gojane.

V day in 2009.

Li Bing:
"unrequited love was a dress rehearsal."
Tania De Rozario

Tong:
"All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages".
William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Happy V-day.

zero tolerance.

I have deleted all of Chris Brown's songs.
I cannot tolerate domestic violence.










Strangling your girlfriend?
Biting her arm?
Slapping her face?

Even if those are rumours, what sparked it?

if love was blind.

Something I got off The New Yorker
Since V-day is just round the corner, it's nice to see something encouraging a.k.a LOVE IS BLIND.
Because sometimes it really is.

Happy advance V-day ya' all!

time warp.

This is how my man will age.





isnt he beautiful?



PIC credit: The Sartorialist

my mum says otherwise.

A short local lunch breaks with my ladies(T,H,Y,L) left me somewhat 'reflective'.
Its like, Im gonna lose them if I dont keep up.
I suppose it was one of those bad days where I was in constant denial, of myself.

I did score a valentine's date with them.
But if i cld have it my way, I'll want them to dump me one night before.
See, i LIKE to see my friends blissfully attached.
Even if i have to endure boyfriend talk - I LIKE.

I hardly shopped and did my usual non-stop bullshit.
it makes me feel 'me', away from the horrors of impending deadlines.
They make me feel safe, happy and warmed up.
Like drinking warm milk and honey while covered up with a warm quilt.

Our detour to TopShop was a huge disappointment (Whats New?!)
Man, I think I should stop being chained like a slave to beauty blogs.
Look at all the pictures i found online, they make topshop's spring/summer collection so enticing.
But when it hits SG, it'll be as good as clothes in bugis village.
The Clone culture in Singapore makes ALOT of clothes look disgusting.





looking forward to the big night out and SG to miraculously transform into style haven.

could it still be me?

I don't understand.
I don't understand why it's so hard to text a reply.

Friends might possibly know of my huge sage with kenneth cheong and seriously, dealing with it was painful.
Even after leaving Panacea, it was painful.
Part the bullying, part how my social skills turn out to be plain lousy (kinda thanks to him telling the whole office.)
I tried to make it more of a joke than anything, less the truth be revealed.
But i have to admit, it was traumatizing and painful.
Because i'll never been hurt so bad before by such a random person, over such a matter.
Its mentally disturbing, the things he did and said and i wish for a resolution.
So much that i texted him.
two times to be exact, hoping that he will reply.

he didnt.
and despite the fact that he hates me to the core (now i've resolved that hatred, just on my side.)
i think professionalism needs to be maintained.
To blatantly ignore me and the sms request was just plain rude.

you know how some things never change?
Its not a matter of character, somethings go beyond that and even professionalism.
Some things, well, its on a personal level.

You accept something, you let go of something and you get something in return, thou not necessarily.

Im just hoping that i can get some kind of resolution from his side, i use to think that I didnt need it.
I think I have to stop deceiving myself, because I need it.
That's why I think about it.
That's why i talked about it.
That's why i texted him.

Tongy Tong Tong, my 12-inch G4

A replacement set - macbook running on a 512mb ram, 2 GHZ and 160 gb of memory lags 80% more than my current G4 baby - replacement sets are utterly useless.

'Tongy Tong Tong' as i have affectionately call her for 2.5 years, will be leaving me.
Her trustworthiness is often doubt by me (motherboard, harddisk, screen and keyboard failures?!), but loyalty? never.

Apple headquarters has finally approved the exchange, no arguments nor tears on my side, they simply gave the green light.
1 year ago when my harddisk crashed, I was flooded with tears, on the phone with an Apple technician call 'Kenji' for about an hour, pleading my case.

1 year later, I only got a return call with a polite 'We are willing to do an exchange, anything else i can help you with today?'

Her processor speed of 1.33GHz, 512MB ram and a memory of 1GB will be replaced by Macbook's 2GHz, 2GB ram and 160 GB memory if everything runs along according to plan. Im in process of thinking a name for the new 'her'.

As I type on the worn-out keyboard of my ibook and rest my wrists on its smooth white plastic, the amount of work i'll been doing with her and the amount of tears and panic she gave me seem to disintegrate into all but a pile of nostalgic moments.
The projects i've worked on, the 'scratch-disk full' pop-up windows that threaten to burst my blood vessels when im photoshopping, the amount of grammar editing i did on her and the non-stop search for my missing word document formatting palette panel...
I look fondly at the right bottom and i see a black burnt mark made when i was in year 1, thinking nail polish remover could double as cleaning solution..

I will miss those with fiery passion (LOL).
and i will look forward to web camming with the new built in camera.





Good bye tongy tong tong.

My 2009.Part 1

I've been too busy working on my new year resolutions that i barely found time to blog - alright, in fact i stopped blogging to be exact.


The first week was a mad rush to stay away from caffeine due too my pending health issues.
Im also on an investigative case, checking up oon my health history which isnt all too good.

The seriousness of these matters combined with a lethal dosage of school assignments, left me gasping for breathe, literally.

Year-end/Year-start is always about reevaluating, and thats also what i've been doing on long bus rides.
(or rather, year-long)
Im not going to state the obvious and please dont bother guessing who it is, but i'm pretty surprised and disappointed by a couple of people.

"I am your bomb shelter, you seek refuge in me, but where are you when I need you. Can we only walk with each other though those darkest alley? What about the beauty of light, can we not see it together? Negativity dwells in us, Im not sure i can bask it in any longer."

"You are my bomb shelter, a piece of barren land, waiting for my presence to beautify the surrounding with pastel colours and rays of warm sunlight. Your emptiness now takes my heart, for I long for a space so vast and unoccupied, so that i can call it 'Mine'."


I want to look back at my 2008 resolutions, someday.

Come what may.

Come what may.
As long as there are tea lattes to be drank, i will be fine - pretty much.

Am leaving for beijing in a matter of days.
Biometrics passport is in the making.
Dad's nagging about laundry (and winter clothes).

Im still in a mad rush to finish my assignments.
Im still finding a place here.
Im still figuring how this semester works.
Im still anticipating a tornado thats gonna sweep me off my feet.

Facebook is a medium.
A tool.
Often misused and somewhat misrepresented.
I have no idea why i want to be associated with it.

we're talking about males

3 days and counting.
My heart's beating as if i've been running 2.4km non-stop for 3 days.
waiting, wishing, wanting.
"busy', 'away','out to lunch'.

The anticipation can be a lil too heartbreaking for me.

//


I once respected you, looked up to you and anticipated the sessions.
And seeing you reach out to help those needly midgets?
it was part of the programme, the system, the way chefs can't run away from killing a fish.
Now, i despise you.
Your measurement was of good intentions, but not so for us.
Not for us thus far.
Not asking you for help turns out to be a crime, a silent unholy crime.
Quiet, deafening, and killing us ever so softly.
Will you be fair again?

repentance, if any.

An old acquaintance posted this entry on FACEBOOK for all to see, tagging a bunch of us in it.
I DO NOT get what she is driving at and I refused to finish reading the entire text, i believe if she wanted to communicate, there must be a better way than this, are you trying to say you're repented over the fact that 'you've grown up too fast'?

Carolyn, don't you get it, its not about profanities, its not about the virginity that you've had 'stolen' its not about you and your underage clubbing ( back in those days). Stop insisting that 'you will always be caro no matter what you've done'.
It IS the awkwardness of it all, how water and oil don't mix, how there's no chemistry, how the whole group feels verbally handicapped when we are around you. Yes, i'm a coward for not putting this up as a reply on FACEBOOK, I dont see the need to wage a FACEBOOK comment war. You are fine the way you are no? you have your poly friends no? People move on and you HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. Its totally fine that you're feeling nostalgic, but don't we ALL lose friends on the way? Can't you swallow it and move on? And why make it sound as if we are at fault and you are the one who needs to be pitied?

We (ironically still the sevens) did not drift apart because we thought the friendship you have given us was worthless, its just how we cannot appreciate you as you are, so go on and find better friends. We've let you go on to find people who can definitely appreciate you more than we can.In other words, we gave you freedom from us, since you agreed that you grew up too fast , we are probably too childish for you back then huh?


Have copied word for word:



I have never felt so adamant about writing a blog entry until this particular one. It kept me thinking for a long while and I had to go back and forth before putting my foot down and writing this.

I've been anguish about this since a long time ago but I've never actually expressed it in any way. When I was younger, a bit about after my secondary school years, I had friends who turned their backs on me because they thought I clubbed too much & they thought I was rude when I used the term of expression "bitches" on them. I used to think that using "WOMAN - do your work" or "Hey Bitches - when are we meeting up again?" is totally fine because it's a very westernized style of writing. People choose to use "dear" & "Darling" for their terms of endearment but I chose to use profanities. This came with many disapproving looks.

In fact, I lost 6 great friends because of this. It never occurred to me up until now that I was blamed for my maturity and my growing up faster than them phase. Although it seems that this could be denied almost immediately, but I knew exactly what had gone through their minds at that time. I was denied invitations to birthday parties and get-together session. I was actually depressed at that time. I had chosen to rid of my secondary school memories because I fell out with the 2 best friends, and then these 6 others.

But then I realize all these years, when I blame myself for the drift of all the friendships I had - I realized it's not my fault. I realized just because I grew up faster than all of them - they can't fault me for that. Now I see them in full clubbing attire and pictures for the world to see, I feel sad. When I realize that they've learnt that "bitch", if used in a nice way - is perfectly fine, it makes me upset. It makes me think about how if I did not get my heart broken (too early) more than them, and if I had remained the silly girl with cockroach feelers for a hairstyle & a full-studious attitude, would I keep their friendship still?

Then I feel sad again. I realized - how much is my friendship worth, then?

Of all these years, as I try to patch things up with all my really (close) good friends, am I trying too hard? Or are some friendships worth the letting-go phase?

When we mature over the ages, we'd realize clubbing is part of the growing up phase. Just because I got smashed more times they did when I drank last time, and because I've had my heart broken, virginity stolen, mind wiser, I was blamed for all of these. I ask the question - is it fair? Is it fair that even though I no longer drink as much as I do last time, that they not ask me out to party with them? Is it fair that I am not asked for any big gatherings - like my friend's pageant or some birthdays or some get-togethers, I should blame myself when I look at those photos?

I'm sure if I go back to speaking to them now, I'd have countless of "been-there-done-that" experiences to share with them. (As I've always had) But just think for a moment - could I be blaming myself too much because of the friendship lost? I ponder.



Maybe you just need more friends.

Fear.

What am is so afraid of?


what's that thing that's eating me inside out?

beat up

i need you i want you i feel you.
Im dying for a coffeebean session with a loved one at Westmall's coffeebean.
Doing the good ole Malibu dreams.
sharing New York Cheesecake.
be anti-social, read a book, talk cock.

get away from MCM, from NP
from new media.

Im so lost and tired just spinning rounds and rounds with nothing accomplished yet.
I bet you so can tell right?

Vapour

//



Sweet and ultimately sad.
This whole superficial conversation which boiled down to, simply vapour.

you know how vapour is formed by condensation,
a process that takes a little time and the right conditions.
and even given all the right factors, a vapour hardly lasts.

,

now how do you lock such emotions somewhere?

The sweetest Occasion.

Sandy baby's 19 birthday was all about comfy/controversial conversations.
Afternoon tea at fosters was sheer delight.

Cream , jam and scones accompanied by fragrant perfume-like earl grey.

As they chatter on about wedding plans, i cant help but feel 'intoxicated' with bliss.
"My friends are so blessed."
Wendy, with her perfectionist wedding
Sandy, with her summer fling wedding party at Dempsey (oh whatever i cant spell)
and Li Bing, just as clueless as i am.
She's abit of a hopeless romantic, I was too, but its no longer the case.

Speaking of which, HN and Sandy, they're the cutest couple i know.
And Sandy's absurd matchmaking plans for me is irritating but nonetheless very entertaining.
Keep it coming Sandy!

Im contented in most aspects of my life but the fear of hitting 20 is intimidating.
in half a year i'll hit 20!
that 'old hag' feeling is surfacing, i'm leaving my teens dude!

ah anyway i decided that maybe i'll wanna play 'lucky' if i have a wedding.
isnt it lucky to be love with your best friend?!





WHOOSH sunday will be over real quick - WHY oh WHY.

We cry.

Now and then i see a lil spark,
but i still dont know who's gonna catch me if i fall.


it has almost cross over to hatred.

coveted.

The internet distracts me.
Make-up products on the internet distracts me.


I honestly wonder why SU bother coating their cult product in gold, which i reckon after a couple of uses its gonna look exactly like what they originally have. FUNCTION OVER FORM.
But then i need to contradict myself and say that it really is kinda gorgeous and is a great (not to mention handy) accessory in a make-up pouch.




every morning when im doing my routine, i have to be constantly reminded NOT to overdo my liner and make it a smoky eye.
And most of the time i still end up with a fake smudged smoky eye look at the end of the day after 8 hours..
but anyways, a real smoky eye will be so much easier with this set i reckon...I did quite like the mascara when i did a make-over a couple of months ago. And the eye shadow is super tempting.




Pure lust. When i saw it i was like WTF!!! Super sweet JC brushes.
i just wished this wasn't limited edition, oh heavenly collection.






There's just no end to a wishlist. damnit.

The Ghost of you and me.

You are the monster in my life,
Haunting,
Terrorising,
and Destructive.

The irony of it all falling together,
creating a colourful palette of a heartbroken soul.

That is,
Disposable-ly yours.

May I ask if you treat everyone like that?

a penance for pain.

Sometimes when im on the way home, of course when its all grey and dark, I have the urge to instead, take a plane to my mum's side. I want to return home to a noisy and naggy mother, fresh laundry and home-cooked food.

And then i remember that she gave all of her youth to us, my brother and i, and daddy, and she has a life too, its just her time to soar like an eagle and return to use when she's tired. Its just like a baseball game where players keep hitting and running till they hit a home-run. Im waiting for mum to hit hers, and decide that the game's over - come home.

We could be best friends again, we could see each other and bicker everyday. We don't have to sing daddy's birthday song over the phone and I don't have to try and match up to all the roles that you were. When im tired and stressed i just wished you'll be the one telling me a stupid joke about your silly encounters of the day, or emphasizing the need to stop frowning.



"It was my father who grew toward us as the years went by; it was my mother who grew away."


For now, My nosey neighbour constantly probes about my emotional welfare, i wished she could stop so i can also stop giving her the standard small talk answers, yeah, maybe one day when i agree to go to church with her. No innuendo intended ok.

mad about eyes, for today

The most comprehensive eyeliner video ever.


http://www.allure.com/howtos/video/2008/09/eyeliner



Make-up is a less time-consuming, more interesting way to de-stress.
Despite the crunch-time vibes that i have been getting since week one, I managed to play with some new products.

Tried & Tested:

1. Diorshow(DS) Mascara
This is a super overrated Marscara, and seriously the best thing about Dior is their powder and blush? DS is a super strong formula that is just about strong.

Yea sure they tried to innovate a '2-way' mascara wand (flat and curl)but nah, no volume and only 5% increase in length lah. Full size is like 30 or 40 plus SGD? I think MJ works better.


2. E.L.F eyeliner pencil in Black
Super cheap liner from Sasa (designed in US, made in China). Its 5 bucks and comes with a sharpener. great creamy formula, easy to apply but needs to be set with some powder.(Gives similar effect of AllURE beauty video)


I should have bought this when i just started playing with make-up.
need a smudge tool.need a smudge tool.need a smudge tool.



PS: LIBING! MJ IS IN TOWN (takashimaya's watsons or northpoint's watson)