Portland - an extract from an email.

Portland was the true state that welcomed me to America. Seattle did little to welcome me, except shove bad food (read: BURGERS and Sandwiches) down my throat and freezing cold in my face. It did help that the treatment that I got in Portland better - we had a room in Hilton Hotel with Lavazza coffee and Crabtree & Evelyn toiletries, if that's not bliss I dont know what is. It did help that Portland had America's biggest bookstore and I can lost in rows and rows of books (floor to ceiling shelves, no joke). Books were not cheap per se, and I got a surprising total of two books after much deliberation. But it was the smell of books on a winter day, seeing people who love books walk pass me down the aisles, finding 3 versions of the same book (which means I could choose my favourite font size and paper thickness) that liberated the bookworm in me. It was seeing that the books they placed on recommended shelves being those I have already read, it was seeing the "new releases", titles that I could not wait to get my hands on that made my heartbeat accelerate.

Books aside, fun means having abit of action, not too much, just enough to get your adrenalin pumping without breaking into a sweat. That was how my first NBA match was defined - Portland Trail Blazers VS Indiana Pacers. Sitting in a stadium with over 20 thousand people, watching the action take place right before my eyes, seeing the team we supported (Trail Blazers) trail way behind in terms of score and catching up and winning the game in the last quarter, dancing to the music played at every interval, laughing at the lousy(but damn hot) cheerleaders, winning free fries (exclusive to the section we were sitting), seeing other people being randomly selected to receive ridiculous prizes like 3 bottles of mineral water or a pair of tickets to the automobile show, seeing ronald mcdonald make a guest appearence (right before we won the fries), shouting "defence x100", throwing random high-fives with everyone after winning the game ... it was the package. Well of course, I have not watched basketball for a grand total of 4 years, since leaving secondary school, since my brother stopped playing competitively. It was nostalgic.

And there was the food. Portland was known (well, at least my friends say so) for street carts, awesome food, awesome prices/portion. Well, we were big on thai food even back in Singapore so I went straight for thai food. Uncle was nice enough to go with my request of "basil chicken rice with fried egg" at no extra cost - even though it wasnt something on the menu. Best thai ice milk tea I've had since Bangkok for $1 too! So I coulden stop jumping around (even after I got my food). Soon, a long lined formed behind us, all Caucasians, I guess they really trusted us in finding the authentic asian flavour. Either that or this store is a gem we've discovered, randomly. After main course there's always desert. So this time desert was in the form of a 1.5 hour queue for "VOODOO donuts". This is the craziest thing I've ever done since queuing 3-hour for 2 dozen donuts at Donut factory. In preparation for this donut i had starved off donut for a week, so I was drooling in the queue, no joke. When I had my first bite of the maple-bacon donut, I felt like pigs died for the right reasons, well, and that was that sugar rush.

Well shopping was a mad rush, the only time i truly lost it and tried to grab everything I could in 20 minutes was at the NARS counter at Nordstrom. Stocking up on my necessities, eye liner and blush. I feel so cheated in Hong Kong (SGD50 for my orgasm blush VS USD26 for the same damn thing). Well luckily for me, god decided to let the NARS makeup artist not come to work today, so I was served by the Bobbi Brown makeup artist, she did not know shit about NARS, so I got say 2 products less.

300 emails in a month.
We are depriving each other of the other beautiful things in life.


Much is left unsaid, and even more has been said and repeated.
What are we to each other today? Will it be the same 5 months later?

"Do something new everyday."

"Do something new everyday."

That's my personal aim. So for slightly more than a month now, I haven failed myself. Be it walking on a new path, going to a new cafe, finding a new thrift store or exploring a new area - im constantly on the prowl.

CNY eve was a breakthrough - volleyball training with the UDub team (way too competitive), being part of a live audience at METRE5's New Day TeeVee Show, getting my Bak Gua from Fedex, seeing david Guetta live, new cafe, breadpudding, every thing crammed into one day.

A slice of life.

I almost forgot how it was like to truly "live" my life. I forgot the joys of doing nothing, I forgot the taste of sweet life, I forgot the greatness of doing nothing, I forgot the call of the empty streets. Until I met Seattle.

And now i truly forgot the power of twitter, or facebook or even blogging. Pictures are now meant for personal collection.

School is an excuse to be here for a long holiday.

Words that are pleasing to the ears. Thank you.

"you guys don't say it, but action speaks louder than words. Im sure deep down he knows of your intentions. its just an unspoken secret."

I had to touch you with my hands, I had to taste you with my tongue; one can’t love and do nothing.

THE END OF THE AFFAIR, GRAHAM GREENE

Meaningless struggle.

Detachment is easier than reliance.

I guess there are days you just can't be with me.
The feeling stings like hell.
So much so for trying to remain detach, it just gets more impossible as time passes.
I know it's too soon to say but it feels like time has already given me my much needed second-opinion.
In a relatively short amount of time I'm surprised.

As the reliance grows, I feel pride slipping away from my grip.
I see all the things I've ever said come back to haunt me.

I can choose to detach 90% of the time, but with you it's 99% reliance.
Such a meaningless struggle.

Seattle.

Slowly Savouring Seattle.

The kind of city anyone can consider spending their lives in.
The kind of cold that penetrates your bones.
The kind of coffee that warms your soul.
The kind of thai food that enriches the senses.


It just makes you want to stay out in the cold, or simply get as snug as a bug under your comforter,
with a lover or with a book.

Water and Flame.

See how I leave, with every piece of you.


It's simply getting harder to cast everything aside.
Seattle calls, loud and clear.
Everyone has a huge hand in pushing me in that direction.
I'm happy, I'm glad.
Walking straight into the lifestyle i've lived and breathed (coffee, books coffee, books, maybe kickbox)

I'm overwhelmed by the excitement of another 6 months away from home.
The first 6 months in Hongkong was quite a ride.
And this, can only be better right?

Can't wait to start packing.
And if I could, really, I'll steal you away from your life and take you take with me.

Lurking in the darkness.

Sometimes I'm really afraid that I'll have to go tell them:

"No, it just did not work out between us."

It's impossible to be truly selfish.

"I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection. That makes it tough."

"Waiting for perfect love?"

"No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for."

— Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)

"You've got mail"

When it comes to relationship stuff, I run away alot. Fight or flight and I always choose flight, it's always easy to abandon, to leave, to walk out. Cause so many things are not worth bleeding for. But B, I think this time i'm gonna stay on and fight. I'm gonna sit tight and see where the ride takes me instead of always struggling to gain control of the directions (and ultimately running away).


and in many ways,
You are that inconvenient guy that popped out at the wrong time.

I know what's keeping us somewhat together is not novelty, but I just need time to give me a second opinion.

Everything's bitter like sweet things should be.

And everything's good
and everything's fine
and everything's bitter like sweet things should be.


I run away very easily.
When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no fight or flight.
There is only flight.
With you I finally feel like I should try fighting?

Keaty kiddy pop!

Hey sister, we need some of that glorified past back.
We need some energy, we need some zest.
Do you hear the call of YOUTH?
and of course, all the advantages that it brings about.

A little reminder.

About 5 months ago, sometime in July, I sent a little reminder to the higher powers "up there".
I said: "Send me a nice Chinese boy with the right values" (it was a pretty lame spur moment post)
HAHHA



and suddenly there you were.



and I see the need to re-look at plans that I once thought were dead.

Warm embrace.

I was woken up by the sounds of my own sobbing.
So loud, so intense, so real.
My face was wet.
The spot on my bed where my face laid, was drenched.


So finally, the image of granddad has popped back into my subconscious mind.
I dreamt of his embrace.
and I could only tear, in happiness, in relief, im not sure.


Finally this image of him in my dream has taken over the real image I've last seen of him. I'm not gonna pretend this dream made things easier. It works both ways.



I miss his voice.
and I miss moisturizing his hands, looking at his weathered-yellowed nails and feeling his warmth.




Let this memory stay with me.

My love is not war.

I'm keeping my options open.

Heading to the museum with a new found friend, making dates with the old ones, and generally avoiding the idea that you can have even half of my heart. No way.

//

We had our first awkward moment today. You wanted so much to say something I'm sure, I could smell your uneasiness from miles apart. I was so nasty, so swift and too brutal with my use of sarcasm. Part of me wanted to see if you sense my spur moment unreasonable rage, part of me wanted you to deal with it. Part of me wanted and needed, assurance.

In the end you choose to bury the matter.
Was that closure? I doubt so.
And yet I can't speak a single word about it.
What right do I have? and most importantly, who am to make a sound?

You've said a million reassuring stuff.
"it's not about the waiting, but rather if worth the wait."
So many sentences that tug at my heartstring, and yet my stance is always to show not tell.
I dont want to make my love a war.
against someone else, against time, against the unpredictability of your new environment.
While i can happily tell everyone else that I'm leaving in a mater of 26 days and I'll miss them,
I can never tell you that, for fear takes flight.
For youth is a fleeting moment, and I want you to spend it well.
Doing whatever you think is right.

A month later.

I like how grandma wakes me up every morning.
nags at me to get work done.
cooks my favourite dishes.
constantly asks me if I'm hungry.
laugh at my lousy chinese.
automatically translates stuff she's saying from hokkien to mandarin when i'm around.
clean my ears for me.
tickles me.
asks me if I need a thicker blanket every night.
speaks in me in her random english phrases.

Sometimes you take a nasty incident and flip over your perspective towards it.
If not for granddad's passing I might have been unable to spend so much time with her before I fly.
I use to hang around only during the holidays and on fridays.
But now, we share a home.

the issue of bones.

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, I will try to fix you"


- FIX YOU, COLDPLAY.

We don't share.

I TRUST YOU, I really do.
I trust you to get out of this and be just her friend.
But i'm still keeping my fingers crossed.
Sorry B, I dont wanna share you with anyone else.

Bones.

"You're getting into my bones."

In a way I'm glad you din't understand that.
In a killers way - do you wanna come with me/do you wanna feel my bones/on your bones/its only natural.

Overpromise.

They say 6 months ain't very long.
I beg to differ, having spent 6 months in HongKong, I think it's not exactly short.
In a matter of weeks, life took a big turn with granddad's passing. Time, or rather the "perfect timing" is always an element of consideration.

Seeing how in a matter of a week we have gone so far, I think in 6 months, many things can happen to you. You are graduating and there's that new job waiting for you. I'm not insecure, but I don't want us to overpromise anything to each other.

You said: "in short, I will wait."

I cringed, in a good way. But also in a sad, selfish way.
My heart is sad, teary and weary. Leaving grandma, leaving dad, mum and bro is already hard enough. And right now it seems that you have been added to the mix. In a way, I saw it coming but this is all too soon.

Yes I understand what my stance on relationship is: "like a shark, it either moves forward or die". But, the faster we go, the messier it gets, especially if we crash and burn.

So I stick to my initial stance - that we should just hang around.

Let's not move forward too much. Selfishly, I dont wanna leave for Seattle with thoughts of you weighing me down, because I know there's a possibility it will happen.

Worth.

What you’re worth is a question only you can answer. It’s loosely a combination of your ability, experience, and instinct. I don’t believe any of these three can be objectively measured, therefore it’s your responsibility to make a subjective assessment and assign a dollar amount to it.

Some people charge by the hour, but I won’t. If my worth requires more time to shine through, the client should not be penalized. But if my worth gets me to the answer faster, why should I be penalized?

VIA http://www.swiss-miss.com/ VIA Whitney Hess.
For my friends who have been in doubt.

No pain, no gain

I run away from vulnerability.
I don't want to feel vulnerable.

Today I started to trust you.
In trust I gave you a glimpse of my vulnerability.
and now I'm afraid, of the things you could do with it.

I cannot take on another event of hurt.
Please understand that.

a sad teary and weary heart.

I wish I could give my heart to you.
But who wants a sad teary and weary heart?

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and you know.
You know i can't run from the pain.
You know you can't help me.
But i know you try.

More than 15 Minutes.

This was part of the playlist for the night, bet you din't notice at all.

You and Me - Lifehouse
Slow Dancing in a burning room - John Mayer
Creep - Radiohead

and no, I'm not a big James Morrison or KT tunstall fan.

Thanks for the treat, sorry for the midway tears.
I enjoyed myself. Did you?

Infinity and beyond.

"We want to be there for you when you're most vulnerable, when you're stripped of your candy coating that u put to face the world and everything else. I know we dont meet often, and we dont know what is latest in your life. But we want you toremember that we're not another group for you to entertain. we want you for you and when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. We love you and we don't judge the people we love."


Thank You, for the girls who embrace my all.

And to Jie Ying, who stopped me in the canteen, you might never know how much that means, but I've tucked that moment deep in my heart. You gave me some kind of strange strength to carry on.

C - for constantly texting me everyday of the funeral.
K - who dropped by with her mum
XY & LB - who knew that somehow by keeping their distance, they were helping me to cope. Who knew that this time, i cant talk through to a solution, and all i needed was alone time.


Just an update, I have moved partially out of hall to my grandma's house.
So I might appear alot busier because of the travelling, and won't be around much.
Things will likely remain like that till I head to Seattle on 28th Dec.

As you said goodbye I nearly died.

"‎I wish I could say I've clung on to time like gold, but as you say good bye I nearly died."



There are no words for loss.
A silent moment that passes on between those who have lost.
Tear, sighs and there was nothing more we could give.
The grieving does not end just there, does it?

Where are you now?
Will you come back and watch over us? Should you?
What happens next?
Does the grieving goes on forever?


My cousin, who is 9, asked me - "Jie jie, when will we see ah gong again?"
I paused and tears started streaming down my cheeks.
seeing this, he said: "forever?"
I hugged him and said nothing.

Little black pill.

I want to be alone.
To fight the saddness that eats me whole and raw.
I have no words to express.
For grieve is a little black pill I consumed unknowingly.
And its effect run through my veins instantly.
Paralysing me.



//


Thanks for dropping by Keat, despite the rain.
That moment I realised that I was still alive and life goes on.
For awhile I realised that maybe grieve could not consume the whole of me after all.

What if Death had compassion?

When death took you, I was sound asleep.
I coulden fight it for you.
I did not hold your hand one last time.
I coulden be there to feel the pulse fade away.


Death emerged victorious.
Death staked its claim on you.
Death knew the odds of winning.

Maybe you let your guard down.
Maybe be you knew.
Maybe you thought we could overcome death again.

You fought my war once,
we won.
Maybe you thought it woulden be so hard.

But.

What if Death was lenient?
What if Death was cruel?
What if Death was stubborn?
What if Death had compassion?

Death took my favorite pair pf hands away from me.
Death took you away from my discounted love.
Death stole my last day with you.

Who is Death?
and why did it take you while I was asleep?

Sparks

I don't know you, I don't hate you, I don't love you, I barely know you.
What are the chances?

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY KEATY

- Keat's "surprise" at Yew Tee
- Hungry, happy and eager
- Indepth conversations over french toast, papaya milk mee sua, coffee/tea @ 2am
- No birthday songs, but rather, a fantastic playlist of chinese songs @ xin wang
- Xinyu and Keat, a heartwarming mix
- Sleeping for a miserable 6 hours
- Long Lunch @ Quad with buttercups
- Managed to defy all odds and emerge victorious, not a single bit of my lunch fell out of my mouth (eating & dating is not totally impossible for me HAHA)
- Rushing off to JP for our highly anticipated VB outing at Safra Jurong

Hello, Goodbye.

In typical "Tong-Style", I complicate things.

//

that aside, life has been on a gloomy side.
Losing the phone, losing the contacts.
I have to say that I manage well without a phone but there's still a pain that kicks in quietly.
I lost my phone on a Tuesday, with the help of a bunch of friends (MY VB TEAMMATES WHOOHOO) I managed to stay calm.
Too calm for comfort.
The next few days past in robotic style, getting through the motion.
On saturday, away from all my friends, I finally had enough.
tears streamed down when dad's gentle "what phone do you wanna get?" was heard.
"I dont want any new phone I want my old phone back" - childish and dumb, I finally let these words lose.

The notion of "loss" was also something I struggled to come to terms with.
I believed that nothing was truly lost, well perhaps I was wrong.

So all those messages, all those contacts from since the internship days, are now really gone with the wind.
My reservoir of good-will is obviously too low, no one returned the phone.

Well, but i guess there always is some kind of silver lining.
Gained some contacts despite the losing the phone.

You will ignite my bones.

I hate the idea that i'm losing this neutrality.
I've nurtured it for about 5 months, seeing it grow, and now its almost dead.
I feel tortured by it.
Every sound, every click, every notification.
Almost as if, if it's not you I'll rather have nothing.
Even deeper now.

In your name, I find meaning.

It's true.
Took me some time, but it's true.

Knowing that I have subconsciously been thinking/acting like a pseudo intellectual.
Just because we don't share the same love for books and music should NOT make us any less closer. It was silly. Why did I not think about that? Why did I build my own walls, put up my own defenses infront of you and you?

I take for granted of your motormouth, forgetting that without it, much awkwardness would linger. I interpret the way you say "anything" as negative, but in truth, you bring it across in a positive light, you show that you are willing to abide by the decisions I make - a sacrifice almost. You take a stance. Your willingness to let me take the lead and make the decisions, that is a stance. I'm grateful for it.

Each time we bring this matter up, I promised to change. But I know I'm that leopard that will never change my spots. I don't want to overpromise anymore. I will try to let actions speak louder than words.

We accept the love we think we deserve, I think both of you deserve more from me.
And when the hell did I even started to PR with my best-est friends?


Sorry seems to be the hardest word, now as the ego and pride grows, and age catches up with me. But today I sit thinking about how sorry I would be if I din say 'sorry'.


So, Sorry.

What took you,

so long?

International Suit-Up Day

This crazy How I met Your Mother saga started from Hee Xun, I have since been advocating it.
The soundtrack is crazy, the lines are witty, there is no reason to not watch it.
Life I guess, can really be such a ride. McClarens, New Loves, Sad Good byes.


MUCH ADO ABOUT FACEBOOK

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.
I log in every other day I know..but oh well. I hate how everyone is so accessible via facebook.
But something did warm my heart today:






SCHOOL DAYS.

Things i wear to keep my spirits up, and myself going.
Helps that the heart brooch was made by Sandy Baby - I've always seen her as a companion in school, now that she's in aussie, wearing this heart makes me feel she's close. and the "KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON" badge, I think it's a state of mind.

In Poly my motto was "JUST WHACK", now I'm a lil older and maybe wiser.
I just pull things forward.






LISTEN to the LITTLE LION MAN.

A couple of months ago I came across some beautifully written lyrics.
Aptly named (There's a story I seem to have forgotten): THE LITTLE LION MAN.
Little did I know they were from this band:
Mumford and Sons - it was a thrill rediscovering Music and lyrics.




Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

Why look back?

I guess something is really wrong when I actually start missing the stupid and very crazy things we use to do in the darkness. Loud music, under the influence of alcohol. The lungs shouting for mercy and the body giving it ten times more pain. Now, why would I want to do it again?

Ouch, this dull moment.

There's this dull moodiness that has been lingering.
I can't pinpoint the exact reason for it.
Who, what is it?

Old Photos, New thoughts.

The camera is ageing.
Its lenses are fast blurring, and the memory card is full.
There are no photos I can delete, even if they have been transferred and uploaded somewhere.

I no longer upload pictures at the speed of light - I keep them stored in the memory card, hoping to prolong the lifespan of the memory, the vividness of it.

Recently, I dug out some old pictures from YOG. Yes it is easy to tell that I'm very attached to it. (I sleep with merly and lyo by my side, its not hard to tell). Coming back to NTU was hard, leaving the real world was hard. Reviewing these pictures brought about an epiphany, Well, perhaps I woulden be telling this tale had I not been part of YOG, but it was journey I learnt about being in control, losing control and finding it again.

YOG-bashers are everywhere. It's hard to justify the actions. It's just hurtful to hear them go on and on about it. What have we become? Have we lost sight of the bigger picture? The reason why Singapore bided for YOG in the first place?
For some, I hope not.
And in time to come, hopefully many may come to see the point of it.


CLOSING CEREMONY - 24th August 2010 (Thursday)

we can't live life without giving part of our heart/minds to someone

True? A conversation with old Mr F seems to say it all (for us at the very least).
This nagging thought in my head has finally been affirmed by someone else.
The reasons can be so simple:

1. its just convenient to keep holding on
2. because by holding on, i dont end up liking other people when im not ready to, or found one really suitable to
3. and in the meantime, we get daily doses of pain, which is manageable

maybe we are hard-wired to be generous in that way

As much as I would like to do away with thoughts of X, it really is much easier to just hold on to the thought.
use it as a shield for the bad things that come along, and wait for another chance encounter.

This is surprising, the 1st night I've stayed up till after 2am.
And these little concepts of the heart, so rewarding.

The "dark side"

They always call PR and Advertising the dark side of the media.
The ruthless, capitalistic cousin of Journalism and research, which of course is for the good of all men.

The media track for me, started with a simple wish to work with a magazine, to be a journalist. That wish was fulfilled in 2008 when I was in Hong Kong for a Journalism internship with Business Traveller - I fought hard for it, and it was worth it.

Having done that, I felt that I was no longer interested in Journalism. You know that nagging feeling that pushes you to reach for your goal? well, that feeling was suddenly gone having interned, Journalism, or rather just the will and desire to write, seemed to have left me. Also, having seen very sucky PR executives, I decided to venture into the field and see what it really is like. I got hooked and sucked deep in, with my one-track mind, I thought that was it. Was I running away from journalism? Given that CCC overshadowed me during that previous internship (in terms of writing) , was I truly running?

It helped that I always did PR with such ease, it reflected in my life, my grades. I can try so damn hard to do a "proper job" in a journalism class and get a miserable "B" while in PR class, I happily skipped my way to an "A". Well, I thought that was a sign.

Two PR internships later - the jargons and execution are no longer a big problem - my decision no longer seemed right. There is so much more to learn about PR, and even more to learn about journalism. But..what sets my heart ablaze? What/where can I truly do what I want to; meet new people, write for a greater purpose, help, salvage, get on the same ground as the my stakeholders? I guess the answer was probably right before me (literary), on the wallpaper of my phone.


"Journalism will kill you, but it'll keep you alive while you're at it."
Horace Greeley.


Maybe it ain't about money, nice corporate suits anymore. It's about getting down and dirty and pleasing the very heart that once decided, well, Maybe.





Afterall, this decision is not for life. It's just for the moment.

Of tequila cups, toads, wild boars and powerpuff girls

A virtual layer of dust has descended on my blog.
Time has proven not to always be medication for the heartbroken.
For sometimes, the bitterness of it lingers.

Thursdays are for now labelled as "Chron Thursdays" - where ideas are thrown around in a room full of potential journalists from 5.30 - 7.30pm at the WKWSCI. I have not quite decide if I'm totally sold, but emotionally, I'm very taken by Chron.
This big get-together, which i term as "work" normally ends as we make a decision to have an EPIC dinner somewhere.
Ikea was our choice this week, meatball, broccoli (drenched in meatball sauce), chicken wings and quotable statements.

Life can be so simple sometimes. Or so I thought.

On the way back to hall a sense of helplessness hovered as I chance upon "the-toad-that-looks-me-in-the-eye".
Its mind was set on staying in the middle of the pavement, I turned and fled.
If the speed I ran was kept consistent (with 2.4km of running track before me) I would have broken some kinda runner's record.
Just as I thought I got on safe ground, a wild boar was spotted. WILD BOAR WILD BOAR.
It was huge, black and furry. So no where is truly safe except my my room I guess.
And so here I sit, traumatised, my fingers typing profusely like words will bring the shock away.
Well, maybe.

No chances to seize.

Received a call today about a possibility of working with a beer company for Final-year project.
Unfortunately I'm not year 4.
Chances, sometimes they come and go.

Sometimes you hear your own heart break...

and there's little you can do about it.

Seattle (Coffee), here I come !

So hello Seattle.
and to be exact, USA - and finally the my dream of heading to Andy Warhol's Museum, New York Museum of natural history, Times Square etc etc etc will be fulfilled.

Today is the best day yet.

Heavy in your arms.

You're so heavy in my heart.
So damn heavy.
Walking along the same corridors, your presence hangs loosely around me.
Your surround me, even when you are miles away.

But I'm so happy, and maybe too happy.
At the very least you are far away.
and you haven proven (during the last 4 months or so) that we are an absolute, a definite, definitely impossible.
I like that idea.
No, I love it.
Love the fact that you don't give a damn about me, so I can't move forward with you.
Nothing I detest more than the inability to move forward in life.

So maybe the idea of "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" - doesn't really work on me.
One thing's for sure thou - Time is a crucial factor in this mix.
At least I know you've pretty much forgotten about my existence and I had better learn to forget you as well.

What a morbidly cheerful post.

My future boyfriend would be..

very thankful to Libing.

Because of the pictures she has taken of me,
I can;t help but think forward..
she has capture the days and moments of our friendship,
something the future X has yet to be part of.






and our journey with the flame of youth (now this sounds all very YOG-ish aint it? This is the post-yog syndrome!)








Days of our lives. Now next step - SOMETHING EVEN MORE EXCITING, and the first of its kind. :)
It might be legendary, ordinary or just a flop.
But we have time to perfect it, we have youth to perfect it and keep trying for it.

School's Cool.

I'm back in school.
It's hectic only because I screwed up my modules again.
I realise that I can always try to be a planner, but ultimately, the truth is I'm not.
I work best when I'm on my toes.
I hate being pushed to the edge, completing last minute tasks, but I'm better at that strangely.
Very Strangely.

Despite the fact that I have not fully moved into hall,
I can safely tell for sure that getting hall was a big blessing in disguise.
Someone asked me today - "How did you get hall?"
I stammered, I really did not know.
My points were far too low, maybe it was volleyball, maybe it was pub.
Maybe baby, but i'll likely never find out.

//

Keat and Xinyu are off to Taiwan and Hong Kong for their grad trip.
A trip I always thought I would be part of.
And now, all I can do is watch them embark on that trip.
But i know they'll have fun.
and my heart is in their luggage, tugged in a corner.

Have fun, besties.




Have the time of your life, this is youth, and graduation.
Meanwhile I'll be hanging out in my hall 9, waiting to hear from you guys.

Horrible Coincidence

"The more you try to erase me, the more I appear."
- Thom Yorke

This is the exact situation right now. The more I try to pretend you don't exist, the more you haunt me. Tunes you mentioned, tunes you loved. everything about you but you, yourself. I bumped into all your friends, but just not you. Is that just a horrible coincidence or an eventful avoidance?

Monday night at Stereolounge, over free flow beer and truffle fries (not as good as Overeasy - no rosemary leaves!) Warng and I had the 'deepest' conversation I've had in months. Beer really does wonders.

I cannot agree to all his theories and observations, but those that I can relate to, we strike fast deep conversations. I like our relationship. I like the distance we put between ourselves. I like the fact that we still judge each other quite abit. I like that we still know whats going on in each other's life despite the distance (bromance and an overseas education for you, and work work work for me). Maybe my life's just easily predicatable.

Awesome would be such an understatement. But i did take a 2 minute break in between our conversation as X's favourite tune(s) was played. I cant help but wonder how he has been. I cant help but wish that I could have a Warng-type relationship with X. Not romantic, but platonic, intimate yet apart.

In truth, my reluctance to shut down the blog has a little to do with X. But now that I've locked the blog I guess it doesnt matter.

On a side note R mentioned he owes me a drink, I do hope he remembers when YOG ends.


Media Brief 5 at Marina Bay Sands tomorrow - I have a feeling reporter G will come back and haunt me. GAHGAHGAH.

YOG Opening Ceremony

27,000 spectators
18,700 Workforce
over 7,000 performers
47 MOE schools
750 students to form the olympic rings
24 music arrangers and composers
1 solo artist
20 handheld Monster props
15 member creative team
6 final torch bearers

2 Publicity girls.
6 Full-run rehearsals.
1 Youth Olympic Opening Ceremony.
1 night of wonder.


and now I have to sleep away all the numbers that make up the Opening Ceremony - that made up my life for the last 4 months. To be exact, 98 Days.

Worked non-stop for the last month, every saturday given to rehearsals.
Sunday spent sorting out monday's interviews.
Finally, I took a rest for one whole afternoon.

After the countless interviews - at least 2 every day - and coverage...I have burnt out.

残忍

"对别人仁慈是对自己残忍"

I'm been inflicting so much pain on myself. The blame, the reponsbilities, the non-stop shit ass workload. Over the last year or so, I've noticed a major change in myself. I use to have major bitch fits, throw silent deathly glares and fuck those dumbfucks right in their face. Now, I'm just a PR wannabe who is DYING to please everyone. I even forget my own human rights (like 99% of the time).

Eg:
Climbing up 8 x 2 x 2 storeys with a sprained ankle/thread on water with photographer - HELL YEAH I'LL DO IT. ...The next two days was spent in agony.

Telling the reporter "Sure, I'll help you with X and X, oh you want an interview with XX? He's very busy but I'm sure I can help you to arrange :)"

Despite my sprained ankle, I love to say: "oh you can get better footages if we go to FFF, JUST 10 MINS walk away, come, let me walk you there."

So many more examples of me torturing myself. Feeling tired just thinking about it. My brain and my mouth just cannot sync.



"never give up it's such a wonderful life."

In all Honesty is overused.

In Truth.

Physically and mentally drained.
The sprain ankle remains sprained despite talk that it is supposed to heal.
As the games approach - more media queries are coming in.
Yesterday I clocked a record 16-hour work day.
Hope is not a method, neither is hardwork sometimes.


//
Day.
An hour and a half with a handsome stranger.
I don't know who you are but we shared a rainbow, and a 8 x 2 storey climb - despite my sprained ankle. You wanted to do anything that "risked you life". I wanted to do everything that would "keep me safe". Vastly different and yet we've met.



Night.
Nerd came over to talk yesterday.
I threw him nothing but a sheet of angst, a look of disdain and the sound of mockery.
Sorry but your non-verbal actions sometimes still say the obvious and I can only read and react the opposite way of how I really feel because nothing is in it for me.
I don't need this cheap thrill, or one moment of glory with you.
I just don't need it.

Non-disclosure

I have every intention of deleting the blog if not for the fact that I strongly believe that we should never react, but rather always be defensive. I did not follow my mantra this time. Alot of things have happened over the course of the last few days - all work related.

There's a MEL on the chatbox, but she's not much of a problem as of now - there are other problems plaguing me, and this blog.
So lock-up it is.

Sometimes...

I still pray and hope that god (whoever,wherever, whatever) will remember to send me a nice chinese boy with the right values.

I think alot I know. I always think alot.

Imma nerd-lover.

Nerdy Kid surprised me today, a light pat on the shoulder and a brilliant smile.
Ok maybe he is more of a Geek than a nerd - but you get the idea.

In all honestly I basked in the glory of his pseudo halo for a good 5 milliseconds before I could snap outta it.
I wonder what makes a nerd/geek so - appealing?
He doesn't TRY to be geek and strange, he already is. And then again, maybe it has to do with the geeky loop-sided smile or those lame socially awkward moments when it comes to interpersonal communication.

Every time we talk it's as if we have formed our little bubble and the world remains so far away.
I swear I'll follow you into the dark, even knowing that you are the wolf dressed in the sheep's clothing. You don't even have to buy me candy.

So in a room with 20 other manly-men, with their big egos and muscles, I went for the one who is possibly a Pes Z (weak like a duckling), whose shoulder I can hardly lay my head on, and a sense of humour that only lame cool kids understand. Well it helps that you are some self-proclaim whiz kid in multimedia budgeting (how true I'm not sure).

So my heart is no longer safe, and the only way I can go about guarding my heart around you is probably to build Firewalls, and block those pop-up windows. Things an IT kid like you will probably break down in a matter of time, but only if you want to.

I hope you ain't got lolita in your head cause there's no friggin way I'm ever gonna be like that. Yeah, enough of awkwardness, time to take me out for coffeee!

Sweet Treats from Turkey.

Mr Floppy's gift from Turkey.Very edible, very sweet.
In truth, his best gift is his listening ear. I feel safe knowing that I can make mistakes (a million) of them, and yet he'll laugh it all and think of me as the whiny girl with just one dimple.






He could have cancelled on me given that he had an impromptu Zouk night out with his friends and was feeling visibly under the weather at 1pm in the afternoon. oh well. Wish he would smoke less thou.

Someone Worthy - Inch Chua

In case you don't already know about her..I present to you Inch Chua - Singapore's answer to Zee Avi. Of course it would be unfair for me to compared, point is she is a Local Talent.


With lyrics like:

"Plain, plain is the simple we use. Fake, fake is the lie we all seek."

"I could stay on the third degree, but my heart's on wholesale."
- Hurt, Wallfower Album, 2010

"I’ve traveled to Epiphany, I’ve seen the sights I wanna see
Scaled the mountain top to bottom, hit the road
Went back to boredom
And no surprise, I’m back at the start "

"What the hell, I’m losing my marbles over
Something I can’t see
I’d build a bridge, but I doubt I’d be any closer
To where You’d be. "
- Mt. Epiphany, Wallflower Album, 2010

"And now, I’m drowning by the dryness of my patience
and I, decay like rusted thoughts you breath away."
- Pins and Needles, Wallflower Album, 2010

"My sheets are calling, inviting pleasant happy thoughts.
A death to the start, a circumcision of my heart. "
- Aqueous Oblivion, The Bedroom, 2009 (My personal favourite, so many long train rides, sleepless nights, listening to this song)


Now now, just a slice of what Inch Chua's lyrics sound like. Visit her at http://inchchua.bandcamp.com/


Having watched her live performances - baybeats 2009, Paragon ... I think she strikes the right cord all the time. The solution to a hectic day - Inch Chua.

Sounds of a rainy tuesday, plagued by rashes.

Sandy Baby.

enuff said. The ocean has brought back my baby to me!!!
Don't we LOVE hanging out at Bukit Timah.

Fresh Batch of Photos

My favorite pic from the entire night. So Caught-in-the-moment.

A new chapter.

I fell for your bags of stupid jokes and accents. The way fought for your team's welfare and how you stood by me when I was nervous. But we need to move forward and I'm not sure how. Maybe give me a sign?

Goodwood meets Yog

The most comfy birthday, The most hectic day. Amazing how these two go together. Happy belated birthday Tze.

Had a crazy morning anwersing zaobao's request, putting finishing touches to a birthday video and throwing commands at x amt of people. How I got thru the day?.......luck,friends,food and 5 cups of coffee (4from goodwood).

First rehearsal for the opening ceremony was way too awesome. Pictures will come soon.

The Significance of WorldCup (literally and figuratively)

What does the Worldcup means to you?
I've maintained a pretty neutral and nonchalant attitude throughout the game, right till the semi-finals.
Spur moment spontaneous bet on Yoghurt (SOGHURT to be exact) and Bubble tea made the game awfully exciting.
Going against the hot crowd favourite GERMANY and putting my faith in SPAIN, has proven to be right.
But nothing comes easy, my faith is SPAIN was a result of countless intense interviews with football fans and a big fat D on my article. Well, at the very least I won some food.
Staying awake, catching the match, reading tweets from every fan - all that split moment actions made the night worth every minute of sleep I lost.


The Finals was heart-stopping. (both literally and figuratively)
SPAIN was the team of choice for both Paul (the soon-to-be-calamari-rings HAHA) and me.
With that strong support in heart and mind, I bet on the game. I lost of course, given that SPAIN won only in the extended match. But who cares, the big picture was that SPAIN won, and I (along with Paul) were right. Well, I should have researched on previous Worldcup finals, most teams were stuck on DRAWS during the Worldcup and won by penalty/extended game. Dad, who has missed all the other matches and is more of a vainpot than a football fan, actually bet on the draw and won. He tribal danced his way back to his bedroom when the match hit 93 minutes. Damn, what cheap thrill! The finals, as significant as it was to the Worldcup fans out there, was also a highlight for my heart. Some kind of strange uneasiness and change occurred during a span of 6 hours - 11am to 5am, from anticipation to end. Till now I can't figure out what that is.

Enigma.

I don't know if I'm imagining things or if I'm really heading for that direction.
Do our actions sync, or is this just me and myself?
So all these really bright and sunny thoughts come floating into my realm of thoughts.
And I smile like a silly kid in awkward public spaces.
So it's all me or what?
Just don't write me off just yet.

//

Take Me Out.
You are my defibrillator.
My Dreamcatcher.
Dance like no one(but you) is looking.

The story of my favourite book (not a book review.)

My copy of "Essays in Love" is on loan, a sign that it is a treasure shared by all.
As all good books are. They never should be left on a bookshelf (or anywhere else) with other books, crammed together with its only purpose..making its owner look intelligent.

The book I took an almighty 2.5 years to finish.
It even stayed in Hong Kong for 6 months with me.

The pages have turned yellow, bad mouldy spots have appeared, the dog-eared pages have increased since I last read the book and my previous life mantra (and also ex-favourite quote), written on the very last page of the book, has changed. FYI, that quote's : "better being wrong and in love, than in doubt and without love."

That quote has since gone to live in a reclusive place call "Museum of wrong life mantras" as I grew to realise that I am more comfortable being in doubt and without (romantic) love.

This book is a souvenir from my favourite and most coveted job at Borders.

I chanced upon it While on my dreadful cashier duty, when a young lady between 25 - 28 years old handed me the book. I took a quick 2 milli-second look at it, copied the title on a blank piece of paper and the rest is history.

Funny thing was, I bought the book but never truly understood it until end last year, when I re-read the book and quotes. Perhaps university education did put some kind of sense into my little head. Making it THE book of my late teens, THE book that managed to put my perspective of relationships into categorisation and made it food for thought. Alain is not totally correct about love in his book, but he made a statement about the way we analyse love and its stages. Most importantly, he highlghted the possibility to love at many different corners, and the coincidences that cupid throws us with.

realise that:

Friendship is golden.

My yaya-sisterhood has run into an obstacle.
I hope she walks out of this.
Xinyu if you're listening, I'm trying to reach out of you.

Sentimental music has this great way of taking you back somewhere at the same time that it takes you forward, so you feel nostalgic and hopeful all at the same time.

HIGH FIDELITY, NICK HORNBY

Some hope in this darkness.

and then I will go back to being my crazy self.

The lover after me.

The boys I've loved, but all too little.
Did the lovers after me got a piece of you, the way I did?


- Our bus ride to bedok
- your belly button under the sun
- your fat fingers
- Reconciliation at Mcd
- Putting fake plastic nails into your 21st birthday cake
- your friendster photo (yes, friendster, NOT facebook)
- You picking me up from school
- Surprise bubble tea visit
- Essay editing session at Mcd
- Discovering a note from you in my locker
- Coffeebean plate
- '85


Nostalgic.


Sometimes my heart breaks because we cannot re-live these moments.
Because you will never come back to me the way you were.
Life moves on, but memories don't.
They stay constant, changing in time to suit your own preference in your mind.

I bumped into boy x a couple of days ago.
He said he was going to be involved in YOG for his re-service.
I'm neither thrilled or excited.
Because all that liking has faded and I'm only infatuated with that piece of memory he left me with.

Death by social media.

Social Media pains me.

It's back to this recurring thought: "You are my first waking thought, and my last sigh before sleeping. You are - you are bone of my bone, and breath of my breath."

I died a million times inside.
and I re-emerged from the darkness.
Still alive, still carrying that torch of a dying flame.
I wish you could be gentler, more thoughtful, discerning even.

I keep fighting this because I feel safer fighting.
I hold on and I fight.
Running away will mean you'll come back and haunt me.

To think I almost made a decision to appear infront of you, again.

Writing becomes an antidote.

Melancholy gives birth to many things, and one of them - good writing. Or sometimes (In my case), excessive writing.
I mean, those sad love songs that heals all wounds, they don't come from no where.
They came from a certain experience, a certain spur moment emotion. They are translated into music from pain, from depression, from angst.

My definition of good songs at least, they originate from some form of melancholy.

Music aside, I write so much better with the help of a bout of depression.
I complete my writing much faster when I'm feeling down.
Writing becomes an antidote.

Call me self-indulgent but I still cannot get over...

annoying questions.

Haha. Yes I'm Single.
and guess what bigger HAHA I'm not blind enough for love.